It’s a beautiful day. I call it ‘beautiful’ because I am currently sitting outside barefoot on our back deck, typing on our laptop. The birds are chirping at each other and flying back and forth to each others nests as if they’re in a game of chase. The wind is blowing as if I’m on a beach somewhere but I know I’m far from any beach.
It’s the first day in 2010 to reach over 70 degrees. Yet I’m having one of those days. You know, the ones where you just don’t feel right about anything. I started feeling overwhelmed last night after watching a show on HGTV. A couple was upset that they barely squeaked by with a $100k profit from the sale of their home. As someone who just wants to sell and will most likely take a loss let’s just say my anger snowballed from there. Naaman was right. I should not be watching HGTV while trying to sell our home.
Much to my chagrin the anger has poured over into this beautiful day.
I feel bitter. Bitter about not having a job. Bitter about our house not selling. Bitter about the gargantuan amount of snot leaking out of Landon’s nose. I’m bitter about the fact that he has decided to drop from two glorious naps to one making it nearly impossible to get anything done. I have two hours in the late morning to drink my coffee, make my phone calls, read my emails and blogs, do some laundry, do the dishes I failed to do the night before . . . and oh yeah, don’t forget about maybe taking a shower before he wakes up and is ready to play! I’ll be honest, sometimes the shower gets skipped over.
I find myself wondering . . . how the heck am I supposed to do this? Most moms would tell me to wait until he’s asleep for the night and then get everything done. In theory, this would probably work. In reality, I am literally exhausted by 7:00 p.m. My back hurts so bad by that point and my eyelids have trouble staying open. I feel my only option is to turn out the lights and find refuge in my snoogle and heating pad.
Ugh, I loathe feeling like this. Because in all seriousness, I know how lucky I am. I do. I get to spend so much time with Landon and I feel blessed for that. I get to hear him say mama all day long and there is no paycheck that could ever equal what that word means to me.
Many of my long-time blog readers will remember back to when I was so unhappy because I felt like I never saw him. And you’re probably thinking, make up your mind, Molly! I realize there are millions of moms out there who would rather stay at home with their children than go into work. I guess I fall on the opposite spectrum? I want a job. I want to work. I want to bring home some bacon.
And although I am excited that a new babe is on our horizon . . . I find myself feeling very overwhelmed at the thought of how I will be able to do it. I am now in awe of stay-at-home-moms. Let’s be real, I love my child. Like totally ADORE him. But I also love adult interaction and feeling like I am contributing financially to our family and our future. I have been unemployed since September 2009 and it’s draining on me. But there is no point in applying and interviewing now. I’ve got bigger things happening very soon. Much bigger things to deal with before I hop back into the job search.
Still, I feel really overwhelmed today. I hope it’s okay to come clean and admit that. I suppose it is since this is my blog. I hope I feel better tomorrow because I don’t want to waste these beautiful spring days in bitterville.
And just so you know, I truly do want this blog to be about much more than just weekly baby bumps and photography lessons. But yeah, um, the internet takes a backseat to my son. Always will. Sorry.
Dear Molly,
We all have those bitterness days. This is my 34th year of teaching and my husband has been out of a job the same amount of time that you have. I feel bitter sometimes because I feel that companies discriminate against him because of his age. I feel bitter at times because I am tired. But then I remember that he is trying so hard to find a job and I have a daughter in college. My anger slowly leaves me when I make a gratitude list. I list everything that I am grateful for. You might try it sweet lady! One thing that you can be really grateful for is your second pregnancy. I had two miscarriages and would have given anything to have another child…but it wasn't meant to be.
I hope you have a better day tomorrow. Blessings
As a fellow SAHM, I sometimes feel the same way you do. I feel guilty for not contributing, feel bad that my husband doesn't get to spend near the time with our son as I get to, and also very overwhelmed. I feel like I never have enough time to do the things I NEED to do, let alone the things I WANT to do. Hang in there! At least you can see the good in all of it- and that is the time you spend with your babies!
Molly…I am in awe of you and your mommy skills…I can barely handle Sammie…I can't imagine being preggers and Sammie!! Keep on keeping on!!! I admire you!!!
You're allowed to have the down days. Don't be so hard on yourself. I think your feelings are very normal. It's obvious you love your son and are looking forward to the future…you're allowed to vent when the pressure builds.
I'm sorry you're having such a down day.
It's totally normal, though. We all have them.
Things will turn around, and you are going to be a wonderful mommy of two
I totally understand!
I hope that tomorrow is better!
Oh Molly, Molly, Molly…can I tell you how many times a day I wonder if I have made the right decision in regards to quitting my job? Most of the time it is not about the financial part, although that does happen too. It is more of a WHAT DID I GET MYSELF INTO???? Where did the days of showers, makeup, hair done, cute clothes, lunches out, happy hour, and YES adult conversations go???? I find myself on a monthly basis looking at Monster.com.
Does this mean that I do not like being home with my three little needy villains?? NOPE…it means I am normal, it means I need to realize when I need a break and get out of the house alone, it means that just like my friends who work outside of the home I too can get frustrated with my "job". How many times have you looked for a new job when you had your old job…I know I looked NUMEROUS times.
I will wrap this up…your blog not mine…hahahaha
NO ONE is ever 100% happy 100% of the time. I LOVE my kids, I LOVE being able to stay home with them. I do NOT want to go back to work and probably will not until they are significantly older. But that does not mean that I can't look for a different "job" when I am feeling frustrated with this one. Also the vacation days and sick leave stink at this one!!!
Love you girl!!! I will be in KC this weekend. Maybe we can all get together for lunch!
Oh and the house WILL sell…I promise
Melissa
I get it! I totally get it! Don't worry – you are allowed to have your pity party today. The sun will also come out tomorrow.
I work too… and I want to work. Correction – I want to work part-time, but our budget cannot afford that. I think that a part-time situtation is the best of both worlds.
I agree, I don't know HOW stay-at-home moms get it all done… and keep their sanity.
Also, I feel your pain… we already moved into our new (albeit much smaller) home and need our old house to sell, sell, sell. My whole family is in real estate… and they say that I have been their worst client.
Being the seller/buyer is very, very hard.
Either way, hang in there! I am glad that you are home on such a gorgeous day!
Change your title, to population 2! There must be something in the air because I have been struggling with bitterness the last couple of days… wait, I will be honest week or two.
Bitterness is a horrible, terrible, feeling. Especially when you know you have tons to be grateful for. I am not going to lie though, it kind of feels reassurring toknow that someone else swallows the bitter pill everynow and then too.
mmmm…the whole nape time switch up always stressed me out too. They're constantly changing on us! Levi stopped taking any at all about 6 months ago. And it seems like adding another baby is just going to kill you, but it's actually made me more calm and relaxed. Like I know I have to just take things in stride so I do. Don't get me wrong, it's different and frustrating, especailly in the first month of madness. But, I feel like I've been changed without much effort on my own part. You'll see. Trust me, I stress and get frustrated and overwhelmed and worry about things more than…most. But, those are just moments in our great lives right? You and I…we have similar set ups and we both love it don't we? Who ever knew we'd be so connected Molly.
I'm exactly like you. I want to work. I have to work. I could never be a SAHM. Ever.
I actually think working makes me a better mom, because I'm happy. Of course I miss Carter every single second of the day and even call him several times while I'm at work (shhh). But I like working.
You'll find a job after maternity leave. Don't sweat it. It's sooooo hard right now. Bob has been looking for a year and has found nothing. He gets so upset and really WANTS to work. Poor guy
And, I saw that HGTV episode about the couple upset that they won't make 100K off the sale of their home too! And they were trying to figure what the price should be for them to earn 100K (after commission, closing costs, etc.)
I wanted to smack them.
Just enjoy your spring, hun. Try your best to enjoy this time off. Like I keep telling my husband… there's is NOTHING that we can do. We'll get through it and 5 years from now we'll wonder what the heck we were so worried about.
xo
Found you through Friday Follow. You sound so much like a friend of mine who, although she understood her SAHM calling, resented it in many ways, because she loved working. She, of course, loves her kids also, and has found a happy medium with being a WAHM and began a ministry for other WAHMs. Just try to enjoy the blessings of this time. You'll be glad you had it!
I'd love for you to visit http://www.magicalmouseschoolhouse.com, where Disney IS school!
I remember also feeling like I was contradicting myself when Isaac was only a few months old. I don't think there's any problem with identifying sources of unhappiness, so long as you don't dwell on them!
You will get through this!