It’s a beautiful day. I call it ‘beautiful’ because I am currently sitting outside barefoot on our back deck, typing on our laptop. The birds are chirping at each other and flying back and forth to each others nests as if they’re in a game of chase. The wind is blowing as if I’m on a beach somewhere but I know I’m far from any beach.
It’s the first day in 2010 to reach over 70 degrees. Yet I’m having one of those days. You know, the ones where you just don’t feel right about anything. I started feeling overwhelmed last night after watching a show on HGTV. A couple was upset that they barely squeaked by with a $100k profit from the sale of their home. As someone who just wants to sell and will most likely take a loss let’s just say my anger snowballed from there. Naaman was right. I should not be watching HGTV while trying to sell our home.
Much to my chagrin the anger has poured over into this beautiful day.
I feel bitter. Bitter about not having a job. Bitter about our house not selling. Bitter about the gargantuan amount of snot leaking out of Landon’s nose. I’m bitter about the fact that he has decided to drop from two glorious naps to one making it nearly impossible to get anything done. I have two hours in the late morning to drink my coffee, make my phone calls, read my emails and blogs, do some laundry, do the dishes I failed to do the night before . . . and oh yeah, don’t forget about maybe taking a shower before he wakes up and is ready to play! I’ll be honest, sometimes the shower gets skipped over.
I find myself wondering . . . how the heck am I supposed to do this? Most moms would tell me to wait until he’s asleep for the night and then get everything done. In theory, this would probably work. In reality, I am literally exhausted by 7:00 p.m. My back hurts so bad by that point and my eyelids have trouble staying open. I feel my only option is to turn out the lights and find refuge in my snoogle and heating pad.
Ugh, I loathe feeling like this. Because in all seriousness, I know how lucky I am. I do. I get to spend so much time with Landon and I feel blessed for that. I get to hear him say mama all day long and there is no paycheck that could ever equal what that word means to me.
Many of my long-time blog readers will remember back to when I was so unhappy because I felt like I never saw him. And you’re probably thinking, make up your mind, Molly! I realize there are millions of moms out there who would rather stay at home with their children than go into work. I guess I fall on the opposite spectrum? I want a job. I want to work. I want to bring home some bacon.
And although I am excited that a new babe is on our horizon . . . I find myself feeling very overwhelmed at the thought of how I will be able to do it. I am now in awe of stay-at-home-moms. Let’s be real, I love my child. Like totally ADORE him. But I also love adult interaction and feeling like I am contributing financially to our family and our future. I have been unemployed since September 2009 and it’s draining on me. But there is no point in applying and interviewing now. I’ve got bigger things happening very soon. Much bigger things to deal with before I hop back into the job search.
Still, I feel really overwhelmed today. I hope it’s okay to come clean and admit that. I suppose it is since this is my blog. I hope I feel better tomorrow because I don’t want to waste these beautiful spring days in bitterville.
And just so you know, I truly do want this blog to be about much more than just weekly baby bumps and photography lessons. But yeah, um, the internet takes a backseat to my son. Always will. Sorry.