I remember thinking it to myself. I think every mama-to-be must think these same ridiculous thoughts before their first baby arrives.
I will not let myself go. I will not forget about me. I will not move myself to the bottom of the list.
Well, shucks. Pop out a couple babies and that’s currently where I sit. The bottom of the list. It’s not a pretty place to be. Staring up at all the people who get oodles of my attention. It’s understandable. However, I have no one else to be mad at but myself. I know exactly how I got here.
Flashback to two weeks postpartum with Brigham when I noticed two HUGE lumps in my right breast. I will tell you that I knew those lumps were bad news. Everyone around me, including my R.N. husband, told me to go to the doctor. I knew it was more than mastitis or a clogged duct. They were protruding like huge tumors. But what did I do? I waited two weeks and then ended up in the emergency room getting my breast sliced open and having abscesses drained. It was not fun, people.
Flashback to last August when I started coughing. The boys were both coughing and had runny noses too. Of course, I took them straight to the doctor. But me? Oh no, my health was somehow less important. I didn’t need a trip to the doctor. I was fine.
Only I wasn’t. I actually had double pneumonia. It also was not fun. It also was not NECESSARY. Had I gone to the doctor, oh a month earlier, I’m sure it would never have gotten that bad. It is clear that with the stress of a new baby (who is sick a lot of the time) and the stress of a new job, I started completely ignoring my health. Because my babies are more important than me, right? RIGHT? I can’t take care of myself before their needs have been met. Because wouldn’t that make me a sucky mom?
I’ll answer my own question. No. Actually what it did was make me a sick and exhausted mom. A lot of good that did all of us. And it nearly caused me to have a nervous breakdown in late September.
Here’s another way I know I haven’t been taking care of myself. It’s also the part of the story where you get to hate me a little bit.
I wear a size 2. And they’re always falling off.
I know. I KNOW. But before you yell profanity at your computer screen, can I just tell you that I am a size 2 because I haven’t been taking the time to eat. I’m not that size for a good reason.
Most mornings I’m in such a rush that I don’t eat breakfast. I might throw a granola bar in my purse to save for “later.” But then later becomes lunch time. And I’m too busy to stop what I’m doing. I can feel my stomach rumbling. But I do.not.stop. This started when Brigham was born. I always made sure he was fed before I was fed. I was hungry no matter what I ate due to nursing but I know I didn’t eat enough. I wasn’t trying to lose weight. But when you burn more calories than you take in, which is easy to do while breastfeeding, well, it just happened. I was busy with everyone and everything else.
My poor body. I haven’t treated it very well the past couple of years. But all that changes in 2011.
I plan on doing many things that I have been putting off. I’ve already started checking a few things off the list.
#1. Go to the podiatrist to find out why the eff my foot has hurt for 1.5 years (CHECK)
#2. Join the YMCA so the hubs and I can work out and take classes (CHECK)
#3. Start physical therapy (again) for chronic neck pain
#4. See a chiropractor for chronic neck pain
#5. Take a vacation for our 5th anniversary (this is directly related to lowering my stress level so whatever)
#6. Continue therapy & talk to my therapist about the food issues (maybe there is one?)
#7. My tooth hurts when I chew. I need to call a dentist or something (do I have to?)
#8. LOOK AT MY CUTE NEW YEARS BABY!!!
#9. Hey wait, I don’t know how that got in there. But yes, please do look at him.
#10. Stop ignoring yourself, Molly. You’re kind of important too, ya know.
There you have it. A nice little checklist. And yes, I know I added a baby in there. I can’t help it.
I’m tired of the view from down here at the bottom. I can’t say I’ll ever be #1 on the list. But I know I should not be at the bottom.