I’ve noticed a trend in the blogosphere. It seems Mondays are reserved for blogging about weight loss. I can support my awesome friends who are on their own journeys to healthy lives but I can’t join in because, well, I don’t need to lose weight. I don’t say that to brag. But I do think this needs to be said . . .
Skinny does not equal healthy. At least, not in my case it doesn’t.
As I write this, I am sick again. Last Tuesday my throat started feeling scratchy. By Wednesday it was worse. But on Thursday I woke up feeling better than I had in months. I woke up early, which never happens anymore. I always hit the snooze button no less than four times and usually end up late to work, looking flustered and sometimes wearing clothing that doesn’t match. Unless navy tights match with a black dress. No? I didn’t think so.
For some reason, all of Thursday was spent feeling energized and being productive. Until I got home and the sickness that was hiding around the corner like Ashton Kutcher with an MTV film crew, came around and punked me right in the immune system. I’ve been sneezing and coughing and feeling miserable ever since. I had been well for three weeks. Yes, just three weeks ago I was sick. I had a mere 21 days of feeling okay. Just okay.
This is not acceptable anymore. Not at all. I have been sick just about every two to three weeks with something since Brigham was born, which was TEN months ago. It is completely depressing that I expect to be sick again even after the plague of the moment blows over. I could write it into my Outlook calendar. The sicknesses are now more dependable than my monthly lady troubles.
I guess I shouldn’t be that surprised.
I do not exercise.
I do not eat a healthy and balanced diet.
I do not get enough rest.
I am stressed.
I am overworked.
I take xanax instead of being all zen and stuff.
I wish I could say this is the first time I have felt like this. But I have been down this road before. When Landon was 10-months-old my physical and mental health went downhill quickly. By his first birthday I was planning on leaving my job because I could not handle the stress anymore. I was suffering from debilitating panic attacks, excruciatingly painful migraines and a severe case of vertigo, which led to numerous specialist appointments and an MRI to find out if I had a brain tumor.
Actually, these terrible symptoms were mostly due to an over-dosage of an anti-seizure medication prescribed to treat my bipolar disorder. Thankfully they were all eradicated when I stopped the medication. But I also lost my job in the process. I had to quit because the side-effects of the medication had ruined any chance of future success in that company.
The stress did not help. It is a chain reaction.
Too much stress has always led to my inability to use healthy coping skills to jump the hurdles of life. And what comes next is not pretty. Can I just say this now? I cannot allow myself to get to that bad place again. I will not allow myself to get to that bad place again.
The stress might look a little different now. My current job is a lot more forgiving than my last one but the pace is starting to pick up. I feel like I could easily fall apart again. Of course, I am not taking the drug that nearly fried my brain two summers ago. But I still don’t feel like I’m at a safe place.
There are a lot of triggers for my depression in the coming months. There are a lot of old memories creeping up on me. What changes can I make that will keep me from falling? I have always been interested in the following:
Vitamins and/or Natural Supplements
But I do not know which one to try first. Do I jump into these new lifestyle changes and risk failure? Because if I am being honest, I would probably do each one for about 2-3 weeks. Then I would abruptly quit and go back to being me with the added guilt trip of quitting yet another “project” I started.
I have finally figured out that this is why I never start anything new. Because I know I will quit before any real difference could be seen. But if I am committed to leading a healthier and happier life why do I feel stuck? Stuck in the same old place, with the same old unhealthy diet of fast food? Spending each day just getting by. Yuck. I don’t want this for myself. I don’t want this for my family.
This is no way to live. My body is literally SCREAMING at me to do something about it. But how do I help myself?
I don’t know how to change.