It was only a moment. One tiny moment where I lost the ability to control my temper. But in that one moment I did something that I feel is unforgivable as a parent . . .
I scared my son.
I have been a mother for nearly three years. It has had its ups and downs and we have definitely had our challenges. But I’ve always managed to squash my frustrations and approach tough toddler situations with a level-headed and caring approach.
Believe me, I surprised even myself with how good I have handled some situations. I have prided myself on just how good I had become at this mom thing. I could count on one hand the number of times I have screamed at my children. I know all the tricks.
Get down on his level. Look him in the eyes. Use words he can understand. Be stern but never scream.
I was a good mom.
. . . was . . .
It was only a moment but it’s a moment I can’t ever take back. I don’t know how it got out of control so quickly. And I realize I am probably dramatizing it in my head a bit. But to me, it was the most awful moment I’ve had as a mom yet.
It had been a rough day for all of us. The boys were exhausted from the festivities of a long holiday weekend. Landon wouldn’t walk to the car and we were already running late. So I picked him up to carry him but I tripped over something and fell forward on the concrete. I landed on him. He started crying immediately and I quickly tried to figure out what was hurt. He calmed down quickly so off we went to daycare drop-off.
That night I stopped to get the boys happy meals to make up for such a rushed morning. They love the apple dippers, I thought. Landon will love the batman toy that came with it.
My boys and I sat around the table eating apple slices and chicken nuggets. I laughed that one of the meals came with a girl toy. A barbie head with hair you could style. I walked around the table and pretended to have the barbie kiss the boys. They both erupted in wild fits of laughter as I got closer and closer and closer with the doll, teasing them with kisses. Things were looking up.
I took both boys upstairs for their bath. The boys always bathe together. It is usually fun. I ran the bathwater and placed Brigham in right away. I called for Landon in the playroom. He came to the bathroom door and screamed, “I’m not taking a bath!” His face red with anger. My usual problem-solver is to use reverse psychology.
“That’s fine, Landon. You can be stinky if you want.”
Ordinarily he would come running back and do what I asked of him. But tonight it didn’t work. Instead he swiftly threw a toy at me while I bathed Brigham.
Now I was mad. Hadn’t I done a good job tonight? Hadn’t I made him smile and laugh? And this is the thanks I get?
I quickly pulled him into the bathroom, shut the door and locked it. I told him that he didn’t have to take a bath but he could not play in the playroom. He started freaking out. FUH-REAKING. And suddenly he got all smart and learned how to unlock the door. Usually I would have followed him but Brigham was in the bathtub so I couldn’t leave him unattended.
I told Landon he needed to come back into the bathroom with me. But he didn’t listen. Instead he started kicking the door to the playroom with both feet. You guys know we just moved to a new house, right? Scuff marks on my pretty new doors? I don’t think so. You know, because doors are more important than a happy child.
I briefly pulled Brigham out of the tub and left him standing there while I ran to get Landon. I brought Landon back into the bathroom and shoved the step stool up against the door so he couldn’t get out.
And this is where I should have stopped. This is where the logical part of my brain should have admitted defeat, stopped bath time altogether and walked away until Landon calmed down and Brigham stopped crying.
But that’s not what happened.
Instead I pulled Landon’s clothes off and put him into the tub as he kicked me repeatedly in the stomach. He stood there screaming at the top of his lungs. His face became bright red as he held his breath in between screams. He slid in the tub as I tried to soap him up. Brigham just stood there crying for me to take him out. He had no idea what was going on. After all, he just wanted to play in the water with his boats.
I turned around to gain composure while Landon continued his fit of rage. That composure I was looking for? It didn’t come.
I turned back around and began screaming at Landon at the top of my lungs. I told him to please just shut up. I begged him. When I screamed Brigham started screaming even louder and harder even though I wasn’t addressing him. I’m pretty sure he was scared shitless.
I swiftly took Landon and Brigham out of the bathtub. I put Landon in his bedroom with a towel and slammed the door. I had to be in a different room for a minute. And I needed to tend to Brigham who was still crying.
I grabbed Brigham and wrapped him in a towel. And then I sank onto the floor of his nursery and began to sob uncontrollably. What had I done? What had I done?
A moment. One moment. That’s all it took for me to possibly screw up my sons’ lives forever.
Within seconds I realized what I had done. I got up onto my feet and frantically ran into Landon’s room. He was sitting naked on the floor with soap still in his hair. I grabbed the towel I had given him off the floor, wrapped it around him and held him until he stopped crying.
Within five minutes things had calmed down and Landon was acting like himself again.
But then there was me. I felt like running. Running far far away so that my sons never have to be subjected to a mom who cannot control herself.
I gave myself a zero tolerance policy long ago when it comes to abuse. It will not happen in our household. I don’t hit. I don’t spank. I don’t slap. I have never touched my children with anything but loving hands. I should have known that I would screw things up with my damned mouth instead.
When it was bedtime I crawled into bed with him so that I could explain what happened and apologize. After all, if I make him apologize when he does something wrong then why shouldn’t I be held to the same standards?
“Landon, mommy is so so sorry for what happened tonight.”
He sat silent as I explained that I lost my temper and was sorry for yelling so loud. I told him that sometimes adults have tantrums too but I hoped he could forgive me for my mistakes. He stared straight into my eyes but this time they weren’t scared eyes. They were worried eyes. My child. The one I disrespected so terribly just an hour before . . . was worried about me. The tears started to flow from my eyes.
And then he did something I will never forget. He reached up and kissed my cheek where the tear fell.
“It’s okay, mommy.” he said. “I forgive you.”
He told me he loved me, put his arms around me and patted my back until I stopped crying. And then I did the same for him as he drifted off to sleep.
I always rock Brigham to sleep and sing to him. But as I rocked him on this night he was restless. He jerked back and forth in an effort to be released and put in his crib. I can only guess that he no longer found refuge in his mother’s arms.
It was only a moment. But I started punishing myself for it as soon as it happened.
I stayed awake for way too long that night. I couldn’t eat. I was too upset. I cried and sobbed after my husband went to bed. All I could picture was him sitting in his room. Afraid and confused. Because of me. Because I lost my temper.
An hour after Landon went to bed the cramping started and then I began to bleed heavily. I already had my period a couple weeks ago. I assume that the mental stress led to physical stress as well. I am so deeply disappointed in my behavior and the utterly despicable example I just set for my sons. I don’t know if I can recover from this mistake. I don’t even think God will forgive me for this.
I climbed back into bed with Landon and watched him sleep for a long time. It was the only thing that made me feel better. I watched his eyes move back and forth from behind his eyelids. I wondered what he was dreaming about.
I hoped it wasn’t about me.
He deserves better dreams than that.
Molly, we have all been there. Whether or not in our parenting, we’ve all been there at some point in our lives… Maybe it’s to a parent or spouse, saying or acting in a way we regret.
I am so sorry you beat yourself up so bad, I know I have done that as well. Nights where I want nothing more than to climb in bed with Jaxon and tell hum again how much I love him. But with the morning comes new beginnings, a new dose of grace and mercy. Lastly, our God is a loving and forgiving God. There is nothing, NOTHING, you can do to make him love you less or not forgive you when you ask for forgiveness.
You are a terrific Mom, don’t let yourself think any different.
Megan recently posted..4th of July in pictures.
Mol, this happens- you are human, you are a mom who was caught in the moment- YOU ARE A GOOD MOMMY…this stuff happens. Please don’t beat yourself up….seriously….it happens to the best of them and you my darling, are the best! I love you!
Molly, it’s okay…we have all had moments like this. Sometimes things snap. But I think it will make you an even better parent than you already were. I had tears in my eyes reading this, because I know there have been some relatable situations in my house. I’ve tried to learn from each one so I don’t make the same mistake. I’ve never been the most patient person, but being a mom has made me slow down a bit. Landon seems to be a very loved and loving little boy based on his response to you crying. And Brigham will be fine – sure, he was a little unsettled, but I’m sure he’ll be looking for those snuggles from you tonight!
Suze recently posted..Sand Between His Toes
Oh, hon, DO NOT beat yourself up. It happens to all of us. No one can be perfect all the time. I remember when I lost it the first time. My two oldest were about the same age as Landon and Brigham. Of course we were in a hurry. Just remember Mommies are human too.
Twitter: SaidKristin
says:
I respect your integrity as a mother and your zero tolerance policy for abuse, and can tell you’re deeply ashamed of the way you acted, but I really think you’re being too hard on yourself. One moment of losing your temper with your child is not going to screw up his life forever. If that’s the case, then my own daughter is in big trouble – because I’ve snapped at her several times, despite my best efforts to also always be calm, cool, and rational when dealing with toddler behavior.
We’ve all been there – you’re not alone, and you’re certainly not a bad mother. You did the right thing by apologizing to your son, and it sounds like he understood and forgave you. So, please stop beating yourself up. You’re allowed a few lapses in judgment here and there. You’re still a good mom – you’re just not a perfect mom.
Kristin @ What She Said recently posted..Judgment Day
I have been there. Definitely more than just once. Don’t beat yourself up for it. Thankfully, children are remarkably resilient and can forgive and forget easily.
Shell recently posted..Rockin’ the Baby and a Proud Mama
Twitter: labuenavidamere
says:
Molly, you have to try to remember that motherhood is a PROCESS. None of us get through it perfectly. All we can do is try to do the best we can with what we have…and it’s obvious that you’re trying your best. It’ll be okay Molly, it really will.
Meredith @ La Buena Vida recently posted..BQOTD: Last Book You Read
I think with our history we really, really worry about losing control. But we also have to realize that being a parent is about not having control all the time. We’re human, we make mistakes and these kids of ours know what buttons to push and how. Just now my 5 year old was whining that my 8 year old pushed her. We’ve dealt with this before. In my ‘mean mommy voice’ I yelled, “I’m not answering because I don’t care. I told you to work it out between the two of you. Now, do.” I think that sometimes it’s a good thing for our kids to understand that we are human, that we do get angry — not abusive. AND YOU WERE NOT ABUSIVE, MOLLY. You were not. You gave your kid a bath when he didn’t want one, when he was disobeying you. He wasn’t restless because he no longer felt safe. He was restless because he was upset that his mother had NOT ALLOWED HIM TO MISBEHAVE. Did you handle it in the best way? Perhaps not, but you did NOT damage your sons for life. For real.
Kim recently posted..Can’t Touch This
I want you to know I’ve done this. It’s hard to remember that we’re big, loud, strong people and that alone can scare the crap out of a kid. The best thing is that he knows you always love him, no matter what. Sorry you had to deal with it, but the love will win, Promise!
MommaKiss recently posted..JITC – Tutti Frutti Fro Yo!
Twitter: MamasMonologues
says:
I’ve done this before too, more than just once. What I have learned though is to not beat myself up over it. Our kids know that we love them, unconditionally, without a shadow of a doubt. They are resilient and and forgive and forget. You are loved and your boys are loved. They know that. {{hugs}}
Kimberly recently posted..To My Nemesis…
That one moment of loosing your temper will defintly be out weighed by the millions of moments of love you have shown your boys. Those boys know you love them and they love you. Anyone can see that you are a very loving mommy.
your previous posters have said it so eloquently, but I’ll put in my two cents also. You are a good mom, Molly. You did not ruin your boys from one rough night. No way, no how. Both of your boys adore you and will forgive you for any harsh words you say during a bad moment—because you love them dearly and they know that. Just the fact that you apologized to Landon shows how much you care for him.
I admit that I cried reading your post, just because it was so raw and honest and I could feel your pain. Thank you for always putting yourself out there, no matter how hard it is.
(((((hugs)))))
julia recently posted..Sixteen Months
Thank you so much, Julia. Your reply made me cry but in a good way =) It helps to know that others think I’m still a good mom. A moment of weakness I tell you. Sometimes it’s just so tiring.
I love you.
I have those moments too because, know what? We’re only human. You didn’t screw up your son’s life. You had a moment.
And I love you.
Law Momma recently posted..Splitting the Seam
You are not alone. I did this once to Brayden, and I will never ever forget the fear in his eyes. You are a wonderful mom and no matter the mistakes, your boys will always always love you.
Julie S. recently posted..iPhone photos
Twitter: notsuperjustmom
says:
I just read this post, but I read the next one first.
Regardless of which order I read these posts, you are not a bad mom for losing your temper. You are a GREAT mom for explaining to your boys what happened and why. My mom never did that. Ever. She yelled and screamed and spanked and never explained.
There will be bad days, Molly. There will. But your boys will never not love you because of your bad days if you are honest with them about bad days.
Miranda recently posted..I read books. For fun.
Thank you always for your support, Miranda. You know how much I adore you and it really means the world when you comment with your thoughts openly and honestly.
Twitter: momgosomething
says:
Molly, we’ve all been there. Believe me. We can’t always keep our cool during stressful situations. It’s impossible. The fact that you stopped and knew that things were getting out of control and took a time out away from them shows me that you ARE A GOOD MOM.
My Dad yelled at us and called us some pretty horrific things that no child should ever hear from a parent and he never ever apologized or never ever took a time out when things on his end were out of control.
You? You did. That is a good mom.
Sending you hugs.
Kimberly recently posted..Comment on You’re Never Less Than Good Enough by Missy | The Literal Mom
I know you don’t think so but actually you did everything right. Granted, losing your temper happens to everyone. And one day, your children will know that it happens and the best thing they can do is say sorry to the person or thing they lost their temper on and tell them they are loved.
Making mistakes is human. Handling the aftermath the way you did is exactly what makes you a good mother.
Emily faliLV recently posted..Evo Conference ’11 {Super Wordfilled Wednesday!}
If that makes you a bad mom then it makes us all bad moms. It takes more than a moment of your yelling and losing your cool to screw up your children’s lives.
Children have a gift most adults don’t. They can forgive and they can even forget. They don’t think that one moment of mom losing her cool makes her horrible. If anything, it proves you are human.
I’ve hollered at my own children on more than one occassion and am not proud of it. But it happens. And you know what, after it has, I have scooped up my children, hugged them and apologized. You know what I get in return? Hugs, kisses, loves and giggles.
If I never hollered at my children then something would be wrong. We all lose our cool and as hard as we work to keep it in check, it is going to happen. Just keep doing what you are doing and know that your children won’t remember mommy yelling – they are going to remember how much she loved and took care of them — no matter what.
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