First of all, I would like to thank my wonderful e-friends for the kind words of support after yesterday’s sad post. It means the world to me that people care enough to comment letting me know that they’ve been there too or that they can understand a moment when a mom loses her temper. I’m sure there are many people who would never share the details of a moment like that. But for me it is so therapeutic to write these things out. And it makes me feel better to know that I am being honest in my journey of motherhood. I never want people to feel like I think I’m a perfect mother. I know I’m not.
I was so scared last night to give my boys a bath! I was thinking that maybe I would just let them be stinky. Kind of like that cartoon character on Charlie Brown where the dirt trails behind him everwhere he goes. Nah, that wasn’t a good idea. I was only bathing Brigham since Landon again decided he didn’t want a bath. So I was loud in the bathtub making sure that Landon knew what a fun time he was missing.
Guess who decided to join us five minutes later? My child just needs time to decide on his own. I need to accept this and do what I can to respect his need for independence.
I have struggled so much this week after what happened. I cried in my car on my way to and from work. Closed the door and cried at work. I’ve just been tearful in general. I thought that my depression was getting better. And it is to a degree. But the process of getting to a stable place takes longer than a month. I have only been on my new meds for four weeks. I need to give it time and realize that I’m going to have some difficult times handling certain situations.
This morning, I heard a song on k-love. You know, the Christian radio station? I listen to it often but sometimes I don’t really listen to the words. This song caught my attention.
Forgiven – Sanctus Real
Well the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I’m reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
And that devil just wont let me forget
In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
Cause I’m forgiven
My mistakes are running through my mind
And I’ll relive my days, in the middle of the night
When I wrestle with my pain, struggle with my pride
Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry
When I don’t think and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
When I don’t measure up to much in this life
Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ ‘cause
Isn’t that a lovely song? I have always been a spiritual person. I have always believed in a higher power. But I’ve not been outwardly religious. I do not attend church regularly. I promise you I’m not being holier than thou when I say this. But lately, I feel called to Christ. Ever since I gave birth to Landon I feel closer to Him because I believe this mysterious miracle of new life can only come from Him. I have prayed for forgiveness many times this week. Prayed for Him to lead me to be a better parent and make wise choices. Here’s the amazing part. Because I am finally listening? I can hear Him answer.
And I know I am forgiven.
Link up for Your Three Words at Jenni’s blog!