four chambers

I’m done having babies. At least for now I am. I had an IUD placed a couple weeks ago.

Truthfully, I don’t know how I feel about it.

Naaman and I have talked a lot about having a third child. Correction: I have talked a lot about it to him. I am confused at the feeling of wanting another child. No really, it leaves me quite baffled. I never thought I would want one child let alone three! But here I am with two beautiful sons feeling like someone is missing from the room. It is so strange. I want to take it as a sign.

Then Naaman pipes up with all his realist tendencies . . . Daycare for three? Are you crazy? Sleepless nights again? Are you crazy? Minivan? Nope, I refuse. Dollar signs. Dollar signs. Dollar signs. Cha-ching!!! Also sleep. sleep. I NEED SLEEP, woman!

But everywhere I look I see sets of three boys. Down the street live three little boys all a few inches taller than the next. It makes me smile and I’m suddenly longing. For what I don’t know. In the church pews ahead of me, three boys, one a newborn not more than a month old. A family of five. Heaven help me.

It wasn’t our plan to have a second child so soon. I was on birth control pills and still conceived (hence the IUD, people). I wanted to start trying for baby #2 in January of 2011.

But we veered off course and in May 2010 God’s plan showed up. A very cute plan.

I had accepted that Brigham would be my last child. We spent a good amount of money on maternity photos because I wanted to remember my pregnant belly. I truly thought I would feel done. But it was shortly after birth I started feeling this way. Maybe I could get over this. Maybe I just need a little more time to mourn the childbearing stage of my life.

People might say – oh, it’s because you want to try for a girl, right?

On the contrary. In my dreams and hopes and fears (yep, sometimes fears) I see three boys. Again, heaven help me.

It’s just a feeling. Three boys. There are four chambers to my heart. One for Naaman. One for Landon. One for Brigham. But there’s still an empty one. Question is, who or what will fill it? Maybe the fourth chamber is reserved for me.

People might worry that I can’t handle it. But I’m here to tell you that I most certainly can. I dealt with an entire year of no sleep while working full-time (no really, God’s plan wouldn’t sleep). Yes, my brain is now nowhere to be found. But I am repairing it.

I am well aware of all the stress that would come from adding a third child. But oh, the anticipation. The falling in love with your baby before you’ve even met them. And then the birth day. The overtaking amazement of new life in your arms. That love never lets go. It wraps around you like a never-ending hug.

We’re trying to decide what’s best for our family. We’re going to be smart about this. Think things over. Make sure. But I know now is not the time to decide. That’s the point of the IUD. I figure we’ll wait at least a year before we lay it on the table as an option. I have to be well and stay well. My mood must be stable to even think about harboring a life inside this body.

I turn 33 in December. tick tock tick tock tick tock. My poor heart is so restless.

At least we’ve bought some time. It’s actually been a relief. No more over-thinking it for now. Time off from this question of two or three? And maybe when I stop over thinking it the answer will become clear.

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Comments

  1. says

    Ah friend of mine, you took the words straight from my mouth. I feel the same exact way… everywhere I look I see 3 boys and long for a 3rd. But my issue is, I want them to be close in age (so that I don’t have a 6 yr old, 5 yr old, and a newborn!) because I want them to ALL be close in age and be best friends. However, if that were the case, I’d need to be pregnant in 2ish months… and while I want another baby, I’m not sure I want to be pregnant again that soon. Agh, decisions.

    I have an IUD as well and LOVE it, haven’t felt a single side effect… have you?

    Praying for you as you and Naaman figure and sort this out. A lot of days I feel perfectly content and fine with 2 boys, but there’s always at least 1 day a week that I long for another.
    Megan recently posted..Dream Big Today.

    • says

      Yes, I am loving the IUD! It is non-hormonal, which I really needed. We talked about the vasectomy option and neither of us seemed eager to commit. We need to buy a little more time.

      There are those days where I am like, HECK NO, there will not be any more little ones because my kids are driving me crazy. But most days they are so sweet and fun and loving. I find myself wanting to multiply all of that. I mean, who wouldn’t?!

  2. says

    The more children that I have, the easier it is on us. In fact, when I came home yesterday, they all went out and played in the yard and with friends. And when they are not doing that, they are playing with each other. My point is, they leave me alone to get things done around the house. The first few years are tough but then it gets much easier.
    I’m hoping you go for #3, or 4…
    m.
    Mark recently posted..Just the two of us

  3. says

    I think right now, that extra chamber should be just for you. But oh the baby longing! My little Caroline is only 9 months and yet I am already craving a newborn head to sniff. I like to think my IUD is my brain’s way of keeping my heart and uterus from turning us into The Duggars. I can’t imagine juggling another baby right now but I also can’t imagine not multiplying all the love in our family by at least one more kid in the next few years. Wouldn’t it be great if kids were free?
    Suzanne recently posted..7 Things To Do With Pinecones

    • says

      I completely agree, Suzanne. It is just for me and that actually feels good. I need to concentrate on repairing what is broken before such a huge change! I think you will definitely be a mama to 3 or 4 =) I wish I had the same clarity. I guess I just thought that two was it for us. I wish I could make this longing go away. Who knows, maybe it will with time.

  4. Sherri says

    Oh Molly, that longing to hold another newborn baby that you created can just be so strong. I totally get that. And even now, when I am so far past having babies, I still long to be pregnant again or to hold another little one of my own.

    But when we decided we were done at two, I felt that it was right for me, for us. So I don’t have any regrets, but I just do long for those wonderful moments again. So I think if you aren’t settled that you are “done” then you shouldn’t make any permanent decisions. If only it were an easy decision, you know?

    Sending you a hug…
    Sherri recently posted..A Look Backā€¦and Forward

  5. says

    If everyone waited until they could afford another kid, everyone would be an only child! If your longing is there, then maybe there IS someone missing in your family! I love having my own family of 5, and hope one day to make it a family of 6. Babies are just so precious…

  6. says

    After having us two girls, my Mom was torn on whether or not to try for a 3rd. She asked herself: in 10, 20, 30+ years would she regret not having another?

    She decided that she probably would, and as a result my younger sister is here (and having a baby of her own any day now!)

    Good luck with your decision, Momma! I know it’s not an easy one. <3
    Mama G recently posted..Shhh…don’t tell my husband I am writing this

  7. says

    I had my tubes tied almost 7 years ago at the age of 26. Widowed at 23 with two children, I was certain I did not want any more. I’m still certain, but there are times when I see a baby or a small child and think, what if? What if I had one more? Best wishes to you and your family planning. Babies are an amazing gift, but a life changing choice – as you very well know!
    Kristin_OPC recently posted..Life Just Works Itself Out

  8. Cyn says

    As a mom of three boys, all 22 months apart, I can tell you my experience was that as soon as I was pregnant with #3 I a. Knew it was a boy and b. Knew it would be the last. IMO, God has a way of telling you what’s what and money ain’t got nothin’ to do with it.

  9. says

    This is such a hard decision to make.

    When I was pregnant with our third, people just assumed we were having another b/c we wanted a girl. No. We wanted another baby. For us, it was always about how many kids… though we thought we’d have 4. We’ve changed that and are done with 3, but it’s so difficult to know when you are really finished.

    I have brief moments when I still think about another… even though Hubs has been snipped.
    Shell recently posted..Pour Your Heart Out: Things Even I Can’t Say

  10. says

    good luck to you, i hope you and your husband are able to come to a decision that makes you both happy soon.

    i love the idea of a iud, but with a history of ectopic pregnancy i don’t think i qualify.

  11. says

    I just wrote a post similar to this about wanting four children. It’s funny how you just know subconsciously when and if you are done. I’m sure that if a third child is in your future, your husband’s heart will soften. And I love your analogy of four chambers to your heart. So beautifully put!!
    Courtney @ The Mommy Matters recently posted..When Joy comes Reluctantly

  12. says

    I’m just now getting around to thinking about #2, but I know what you mean. My husband was adamant that he would get a vasectomy after the second, but I said it would be so sad to just have two and then know that was it. So he promised me as many babies as I wanted to carry. We’ll see how that goes.
    Julie @ mamamash recently posted..But what about the consonants?

  13. says

    I totally know how you feel, except for me, it is also because I feel like I have been cheated out of so much with having twins. I was very lucky and have an uneventful pregnancy, but I never felt a true labor contraction, the feeling of my water breaking, being able to rock one baby to sleep, the list goes on. There are times I ache for those experiences and being able to carry and love another baby. There are days I look at my two beautiful girls and my heart feels so full of love and joy, the thought of tampering with that perfect and adding another child seems like a crazy idea. Then, there are the days where all I want to do is pull my hair out because of the screaming, fighting, refusing to listen… you know, toddlerhood.
    I guess only time will tell.
    Melissa recently posted..Bubbles!

  14. says

    Oh Molly, I adore this. My heart aches for another baby. Even though I have 3 I know that our family isn’t complete. Sure there are days when the stress gets to me and I think “Oh, heck no!” but deep down in my heart and soul I know I’m not done. I guess you really do just know.
    Kimberly recently posted..Life Lessons: Random Edition

  15. says

    oh friend…I am surrounded by swelling wombs.
    I would be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous of every single one of them.
    I’ve had such a tough go, but despite that, I am a good mom. I think it’s what I was meant to do. Really. Sound cheesey?
    I would love to just have one more. Just one. I don’t think that will happen though. It rips me apart. Today I packed away some of Chase’s clothes that are too small and I spent a good hour crying.
    Sigh, this making family business is tough stuff.
    But I’m glad that you’re taking time to think and plan.
    You have to go with your heart and what is best for the family.
    Best wishes.
    Kimberly recently posted..When Your Mom Goes Through The Change Of Life

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