This is going to get rant-y. But you know what? I just really feel like I need to unload.
You all know I just celebrated my fifth year of blogging.
I didn’t really start to get serious about blogging until August of 2010. It was then that I had a blog redesign and switched to WordPress. I also started playing along on Twitter more and created a Facebook page.
In 2010 I had more time to blog. At least it certainly seemed that way. In 2011 my work situation got, um, busy and complicated. I’m not able to blog or tweet or be on facebook as much during the day. I can’t comment on blogs like I used to either, which I know is one of the big ways to gain followers and find what I call “equal” blog friends i.e. I comment on your blog, you comment on mine.
Now it seems the only time I have to do any of this blog stuff is at night or on the weekends, which just happens to be the only time I get with my boys.
I have so many good ideas that never get written. I want to think of this blog as my business. Oh alright, I’m just going to come out with it . . .
I want to be a work at home mom. I don’t want to work at my job anymore. Like, AT ALL. I am completely uninterested in working for someone else. The ONLY reason I go to work is so we can pay off our debt. That’s it. I’m not ashamed to admit it anymore. I would LOVE to be a stay at home mom. Whew, I never ever in a million years thought that would come out of my mouth. But you know what? It feels good to finally admit that to you guys.
I want to be a professional blogger but with my numbers it won’t happen. It feels unattainable.
I tried to do sponsorships but I’m not sure it’s for me. I want to do awesome giveaways but I don’t always have the time to devote to them. I want to see other opportunities come my way and sometimes they do. But for the most part, they don’t. I try really hard on what I am able to do. But it’s not enough.
I thought going to BlogHer might have raised my stats and helped my position in the blogosphere. But I royally messed up and it didn’t seem to help much at all.
I know what you’re thinking. Quit complaining. You either like what you’ve got or you can quit.
But I don’t want to quit. I don’t want to hold back what I’m really feeling about this whole blogging gig. I want to come out with it . . .
I am jealous of other people’s blogs. And it stinks. Because I want to be happy for my friends who have eleven billion-ty subscribers. The blogs I read are amazing. There are some that I read and comment every time they write something. I guess I just feel connected to their stories somehow. Or I know that I’m going to like what I read.
But I don’t understand how I have been doing this for five years and have such a small following. The only thing that comes to mind is:
I’M DOING SOMETHING WRONG. DUH.
I can’t pinpoint it. If you say I need to spend more time on my blog, well, I’m shit out of luck. Because more time is what I can’t give. If I do, I lose precious moments with my family. And that’s what matters in the end, yes? I probably won’t be thinking about the time I spent on my blog when I’m 90-years-old. I’ll be thinking about the time I spent with my kids and wishing I could have had more.
I think maybe people just aren’t connecting with me and my life. If I don’t have a large following then it must mean I’m not interesting enough for people, right? I’m interesting to a small amount of people (thank you for reading, by the way!). But in a sense, people don’t care.
This used to make me feel good. But lately I just feel like shit. Blunt but true.
I probably shouldn’t have posted this. But I’m in a I-don’t-care-mood today. I feel like giving up the rat race sometimes. I’m never going to win. I’m never going to live my dream of being a freelance writer, making money for myself. I’m never going to do what makes me happy, which is this. Writing for the masses. I’m never going to get to be home with my children.
Ugh, this feeling sucks. But thank you for “listening.”