My purse is hung over my shoulder. The sound of pills click clack, click clack as I walk to wherever I’m going. It’s a common sound. I carry certain pills with me always.
pass the tylenol
Excedrin Migraine for the awful migraines I get as a side-effect of my anti-whatevers. Tylenol for the usual aches and pains I feel deep down in my bones every day.
Then there’s the xanax. The xanax I was prescribed by my doctor two years ago. The xanax I carry with me always. The xanax I choose not to take.
I don’t know why I do this. On top of everything else I was diagnosed with a panic disorder long ago. In certain situations I panic and have the fight or flight response. It doesn’t happen as often as it used to but when it does it takes it all out of me. After the panic attack is over I have nothing left.
My psychiatrist looked me in the eyes and told me, “It’s okay to take these, Molly. It’s okay to use them to keep yourself calm when you know you are in danger of having a panic attack.”
He also told me to use them for anticipatory anxiety. Meaning, if I know I will be in a situation that in the past has caused anxiety, it’s okay to take it a few hours before that event will take place.
A good example is when I fly. I hate flying. I know I hate flying. It makes all the difference when I take it two hours before a flight.
It makes so much sense. But still I hesitate.
I don’t know why I listen to it rattle, rattle, rattle in my purse, knowing that it’s there at the ready. It’s there when I need it most.
Somehow it feels like a crutch. I’m 33-years-old. Shouldn’t I be able to handle these things by now? Shouldn’t the medications that I already take make this go away?
But I ignore it. I ignore it until it’s too late.
All that stops. Here and now. Today.
If I’m feeling anxious or know that I have an anxiety-provoking event coming up, I am going to dig around in the bottomless pit of my purse, retrieve that bottle, pop it open and swallow that pill.
I will do so without worry. I will do so without shame.
It’s okay not to be okay.
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linking up with just write.
Twitter: tophersgirl1
says:
You know I rarely comment, but I couldn’t not, for this. Applause, lady. Applause to you for committing to taking care of yourself and the reality you live, rather than continue trying to conform to someone else’s idea of what reality you SHOULD be living that you bought into for whatever reason however long ago (something we all do, tragically). Good job, Molly. Stay strong.
Thanks for reading, Mae. I so appreciate your kind words. More than you know.
Twitter: sarahkoci
says:
Yes! Molly, it IS okay to not be okay, in every sense of it. There’s beauty in humility, for certain. Love your boldness in sharing this.
Sarah recently posted..what one week of #commit2write has taught me
Thank you, Sarah. I appreciate your support.
I don’t comment much but I relate to you on so many levels… one day I’m going to send you a REALLY long email! I don’t know if you read Just Be Enough… I believe it’s a rather new blog. I have this post from it saved to my favorites and read it often…http://www.justbeenough.com/finding-beauty-after-being-broken/
I think it’s beautiful and it always make me feel better when I’m having one of those days. Thank you for always being so open and honest.
Yes, please send me that long email. I love emails from readers most of all!
It’s a hard thing to accept, isn’t it? That some things you just can’t fix. I used to be the same way with my anti-depressants, but I’ve stopped now. Taking them makes life so much easier – and there’s no shame in that.
Amber recently posted..The Almost Kitten.
Twitter: labuenavidamere
says:
It is *so* okay to take anti-anxiety meds Molly! Honestly, I think everyone who deals with anxiety “medicates” with something–it may be prayer, exercise, food, whatever…but they/we all use something to keep us in check when that anxiety starts to rise up. For me, the most effective solution is exercise–and no one would ever DREAM of telling me not to exercise when I felt that anxiety or that it was just a crutch…so I don’t understand why there seems to be some stigma against those who use Xanax or any other anti-anxiety meds when they’re the most effective solution for THAT PARTICULAR PERSON.
Do what works for you–whatever that may be!
Meredith @ La Buena Vida recently posted..Letter to Lizzy- You’re Two!
Twitter: momgosomething
says:
Good for you.
It’s not a crutch.
You have an illness just like migranes.
You shouldn’t be ashamed because it helps you. You’re treating an illness.
And that is ok.
Kimberly recently posted..Our Words Do Make A Difference
Congratulations on taking care of yourself. As Anthony Robbins says, “the past does not equal the future.” Go get ‘em Molly!!!! You’re doing great!!!
You are absolutely right. BE OK. Or rather, be better than ok. Be YOU
Kim recently posted..Diaries and Depression
I like the sentiment “It’s okay not to be okay.” It’s one that everyone struggles with once in a while, especially those of us with small children. I am out the other side, but I have my down days. It gets easier as your kids get older, are less needy. Do what you have to do to feel better, supported and don’t ever feel “less than” as a result. You should read my post called “mother load” if you have a chance.
On another note, though I just found you, I am glad to see that you will be at Blissdom — it looks like I may be going as well — I haven’t been the best at reaching out to the blogging community (one of my goals this year) so I hope to make better connections there.
Molly Kelash recently posted..the joke, or life as a circus
I didn’t mean to merely post my blog (yikes!). I meant to say that I really like the sentiment that it’s okay not to be okay — something I struggled with profoundly in my 30′s when my children were little. It’s a hard time and we can use all the help we can get…maybe you could peek at my entry called “mother load” when you get a chance – it’s had a great response, and I think is about where you are now. It gets better and easier
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On another note, though I just found you, I am glad to see that you will be at Blissdom — I may be going and since I haven’t been the best at reaching out to the blogging community since I launched my blog in 2010, I am looking forward to networking.
I so get the comfort of that rattle, just being there.
Steph
Adventures In Babywearing recently posted..Will I remember this?
Twitter: KimberlyAMuro
says:
There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. It’s more than okay to take these.
Kimberly recently posted..Time Stands Still
See, in my opinion, you ARE OK! You know what you’re facing and you deal with it accordingly. Not being “typical” doesn’t mean you’re not “okay.” You’re dealing. You’re healing. You’re more than ok!
CJ recently posted..DIY: String Ornaments with GLITTER
Twitter: angelaamman
says:
You are so right that it’s ok to take them.
They are medication.
Anxiety is treatable, just like you treat your migraines, and there is nothing at all wrong with treating it. It’s not a crutch.
Hugs to you.
My prayers are with you….Good luck and we know that you can do it.