The other day, getting Landon to preschool was a nightmare. He woke up yelling that he wanted his scooter. He wouldn’t put on his clothes. He wouldn’t brush his teeth. He kept screaming and crying for his scooter. And at 6:00 a.m. I just wanted peace. I wanted silence. I wanted him to cooperate so we could get going and I wouldn’t be late to work.
At one point, both my kids were crying. Landon, because he desperately wanted to ride his blue scooter inside the house and I told him no. Brigham, probably because he was being ignored as I tried to get Landon under control.
I started the car and thought to myself, only ten more minutes until I can drop them at daycare and hear silence. I was tired after staying up too late trying to fix my phone that wasn’t working properly. I was pissed about my phone. I was pissed that I often have to listen to constant whining.
When I got to work I pulled up my google reader to catch up on a few blogs before I went to work answering emails. And then I saw it. The news that baby Tripp went to heaven.
Reluctantly I pulled up the blog and read about Tripp’s struggle the last few days before he met Jesus. I looked down at my phone and thought, God I’m stupid. All I want is for this mom to be able to hold her sweet boy again. A boy that shouldn’t have had to go through what he went through with this terrible, unfair disease. And a mother who never ever should have to go through saying goodbye to her son. It was like someone suddenly hit me in the stomach with a hammer.
Most the time I say I’m grateful for what I have. For two beautiful and healthy sons whose biggest struggle is not being able to ride a scooter inside the house.
But really, I’m just selfish. Selfish for wanting silence when it’s NORMAL for kiddos to make noise and have tantrums. Selfish for counting down the minutes until I can drop him off at school and drink my coffee uninterrupted.
When I read things like this, my heart physically hurts. I just don’t understand. I guess I can’t possibly understand God’s plan. Because I’m not meant to have all the answers. I’m not home yet. Home is heaven and it’s where all the answers are. I have to wait until my time comes.
But one answer I do have is I need to practice grace and patience and to be grateful for every single second God gives me with my children. I need to not take things so seriously. So I’m 15 minutes late to work. So what? What matters is that my kiddos are happy when I leave them. And they can’t be happy unless I’m happy.
When I got home that night, I went to find the blue scooter that Landon had begged to ride earlier that morning. I picked it up and set it down in front of him in the kitchen.
“Go for it, Landon,” I said.
He rode his scooter happily while yelling at the top of his lungs. And I smiled because I had the chance to make it right.
Some moms won’t ever get that chance. I need to remember that.