coming clean

I was supposed to be in Nashville right now. I had been planning on going to the Blissdom conference since the beginning of this year. I had a sponsor lined up, purchased a ticket and my plane ticket. I was ready to go.

But last week I got this terrible feeling in my stomach that told me I shouldn’t go. A close family friend is gravely ill and I didn’t feel right leaving at a time like this. Plus Landon got horribly sick with strep and he just laid there for four days. He was not himself at all, which made me even more nervous to leave.

I promised myself I would listen to my gut. Well, my gut was telling me not to go.

Believe me I was excited at the thought of attending another conference. I sincerely wanted to make up for the chance I lost at BlogHer. I guess I am still very ashamed of myself for not being able to handle the conference last time. And I wanted to prove to everyone that I could do it. I wanted to show my online friends who I really am. A fun-loving, honest and caring person.

But last week I saw my therapist and talked to her about Blissdom. I told her that I was terrified that something would go wrong again. That my anxiety would take over and I would hide in my hotel room again. That people would think I was a big weirdo all over again.

Honestly? I realized I was really nervous about all the alcohol at the parties. Would I be able to say no like I know I should. Or would I start with one and end up downing seven like last time? Alcohol is an issue I haven’t talked much about on my blog. You guys know me. You know I open up about pretty much everything on here. But my issues with alcohol? I just can’t talk about it. I don’t know how. I’m afraid of being judged so harshly that I will be run out of blogging altogether.

The problem is – alcohol is everywhere. And everyone drinks it. And when I’m alone in a social setting I have trouble choosing right from wrong. I feel like no one understands my struggle. Because I see others casually sip their wine and laugh and have fun with a glass in their hand. It’s unfair. Because I can’t do that. I’ve never been able to drink and have fun. It’s always been a disaster for me.

So I guess I’m just not ready. Not ready to face my fears. Not ready to face the parties and the alcohol that always seems to call my name.

And I feel like a failure all over again.

Will I ever be ready to tell you all what it’s like for me?

Will I ever be able to admit what I am? And come clean.

Come clean.

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Thank you so much for reading. I hope you know how much it means to share a little piece of my heart with you today.

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  1. Erinasmommy says

    I don’t have experience with conferences (or blogging at all), nor do I have the right words. I just wanted to say thanks for being so honest, and so you.

    My brother suffers from depression and anxiety and twice he’s attempted to take him own life (over the past 14 months). It breaks me daily to watch his suffering, and I wish I could hug him until it was all fixed within him. (I want to do the same for you) My point in all of this, is your honesty and your story helps me better understand him and for that, I am grateful to you.

    Be strong and carry on! Hugs!

  2. Valerie says

    Good job on listening to your gut.

    I don’t judge you for anything. And I won’t. Maybe talking more about your alcohol struggles will be therapeutic for you. And your readers may get something out of it.

  3. Caitlin MidAtlantic says

    Those gut feelings are almost always right. Actually, they are always right. Always go with your gut. If you’re not comfortable doing something or going somewhere, don’t. It takes a lot of courage to say you’re not ready for something.

    Alcohol is such a devil of a thing, isn’t it? You are not alone in struggling through a bad relationship with it.
    Caitlin MidAtlantic recently posted..Mademoiselle Crocus

  4. says

    You know what? I didn’t go for the same reason. Mostly. I mean, I’ve gotten used to being one of the only people at parties who isn’t drinking and Elsie would have been with me, BUT…my anxiety has me in a place where it’s just not time for me to travel (especially with a baby) and go to parties and watch people drink.

    It gets SO much better. It becomes very normal to not drink. But you’re so smart for knowing where you are and taking care of you. So smart. This does not make you weird. It makes you brave.


  5. says

    (((hugs))) You’re so brave to be open about it all — your anxieties, fears, struggles. I hope that you can get to a place where you feel comfortable going and surrounding yourself with people who understand and “get it” and can help you navigate the uncomfortable situations. I know you can do it!
    Jana A recently posted..Time To Revamp The Calendar

  6. says

    Do you know how much courage it takes to open up and talk about something like that? You ARE awesome and you will never been run out of the blogging community by me. :) I’m not going to Blissdom either, so we can stay behind and be the cool kids!

  7. says

    I have seen other blogger post about conferences and I have always wondered, what do people do there? What really is the purpose? I have seen the mention of parties and stuff and now after reading this I wonder is it just a big party with a bunch of people drinking?

    I like a glass of wine but for me it just puts me to sleep.

    Molly, I love that you are honest with your blog. When I read other bloggers that have nothing to share but puppies and rainbows, it makes me how honest they are with theirs.

  8. says

    Good for you! I think it admirable that you realized it wasn’t the right time for you to go. That’s a huge step and I’m proud of you!

    Thanks for always being so open and honest. Some may see that as a weakness or over sharing, but I see it as a huge strength!

  9. says

    Proud of you for listening to yourself.

    I don’t think you need to worry so much about what other people think about you or have this mentality of “PROVING” to them that you can do it. I know, easier said than done, but your real true friends are the ones who you don’t need to prove yourself to.

    If you want to go, then go. But there shouldn’t be pressure to go, or this fear of what others think… my opinion is, if that’s the reason you go, it will either A.) not be fun, or B.) not be successful.

    Just my opinion, but I say you just stay true to yourself. :) You are LOVED!
    Megan recently posted..Little Bits of Happiness.

  10. says

    Molly, I really hope you decide to talk about your challenges with alcohol. There are so many people who could benefit from your experiences and words of wisdom. It would also help people like me who do not struggle personally, but have people in our lives that do.
    Kiara Buechler recently posted..Tired Mama

  11. says

    Molly, this is so brave. I don’t think you need to be afraid of saying too much and getting chased off. This is your space, and you can write what you want (and need) to. It’s your story, and I’m sure you’ll find you’re not alone.

    As for conferences, I understand why you chose not to go to Blissdom, but I would have loved to meet you. I would even lure you out of your room and count your drinks for you. :)
    Robin | Farewell, Stranger recently posted..Blissdom Bound

  12. says

    I know everyone has left such positive comments and I’m so happy about that….but you and I both know that there will be those who don’t comment, but are thinking their smug, judgmental thoughts and those are the ones you worry about.

    I don’t know how to convince you, but believe me, BELIEVE ME, you are not the only woman with mental health issues and possibly alcohol issues. You’re just the only one who has the guts to blog about it on a ‘Mommy’ blog.

    Good for you.
    Carol-Anne (Use The Good Dishes!) recently posted..Getting to Know Me (and You!)….

  13. says

    You know reading this and other bloggers who are in recovery really raised my awareness a LOT about how alcohol is used and abused by women, by moms – and made me more aware and careful about my own use. There’s one blogger I used to like a lot who I realized was tweeting about drinking (jokingly in the vein of her kids driving her to drink, hiding her drinking from her kids, and generally using alcohol as a coping mechanism) – in EVERY SINGLE TWEET. It stopped being funny to me and made me really think about the whole issue.

    Knowing your limits and triggers sounds like a terrible important step for you.
    Elizabeth recently posted..Here

  14. says

    Big hug to you, Molly. Sounds like you made the right decision for YOU, and that’s all that matters. I will not judge you on anything you ever write about. And I hope you do write about this additional struggle you mentioned, especially if it’s going to help YOU, though I guarantee you will be helping some of us who are dealing with someone in our lives whose issues with alcohol are affecting us. You have taught me to be compassionate towards others because of what you’ve shared with your struggles. I’m struggling right now dealing with a situation in my family with alcohol, and my heart is broken, though I am really trying hard to show compassion – I am learning a lot about myself, many things that I don’t like, but that I am working on changing. But I can’t cure or control the problem this other person has. And I didn’t cause it. But I am truly working on the compassion for this person and the situation, but it’s hard when that person is not being honest. Sometimes I fail, and sometimes I work my “program” to deal with the situation I find myself facing every day with this person. I’m not brave enough to blog about those things like you are, but I am doing a journal for myself to help put things in perspective and try to Let Go and Let God. You have a gift with words that have always gotten through to me for some reason, and for that, I want to thank you. Another big hug for you!
    Suze recently posted..Cousins Celebrate Lexi’s Birthday

  15. Mandy @ a sorta fairytale says

    Your fears are completely normal. I think everyone gets nervous about being in an overwhelmingly crowded place, wondering what people with think. I don’t blame you!! And as far as the alcohol, I understand that too. I don’t drink anymore, like at all. But I used to and I always drank a little too much and embarrassed myself. That’s part of the reason I quit drinking….amoung a million other reasons. Anyway, my when I’m in that situation, I proudly say “no thanks I don’t drink”. I’m happy with that choice and people respect it I think. Anyway, keep your head up dear, there will always be another conference :) you did the right thing listening to your gut!

  16. Katharina25 says

    Molly, your such a courageous and strong woman! Talking and opening your personal struggles and problems here takes a real courage in doing so. And I love you for that. Being honest to yourself and everybody will help you release all the negativity that runs in your mind.
    Katharina25 recently posted..Bodybuilding Nutritional Supplement Explained

  17. says

    You did the right thing. You trusted your gut and you are needed at home, so you stayed. There will be other conferences. I don’t know what it is like to struggle with an alcohol issue, but I have dealt with anxiety and know first-hand how crippling it can be. But you are such a strong, determined woman. And I am sure that one day, when the time is right, you will overcome your fears and you will master your anxiety and do to it what it did to you. I’m sure you are doing that every day, more and more each day. It’s okay that it didn’t happen this weekend. Right now the most important things in your life are taking priority, and that’s how it’s supposed to be. Keep on writing, Molly. You are an inspiration and a wonderfully talented writer.
    Jenn recently posted..60 degrees at the playground in Feb!

  18. says

    Hey – you should have invited me to stay with you… well, if you can deal with snoring, which I do very loudly… because I don’t drink, or smoke, or chew (smile) and I could have been your “right hand gal”….
    Honestly, it’s too bad you didn’t have a blogging buddy to go and stay with….. cause then, you could do things with each other, and neither would have to deal alone with any situation. You could have found alternatives if either was uncomfortable — or things got wilder than either would like. And discussed the conference materials too… and maybe found other ways to interact with people besides the parties…. However… I am proud of you… you followed your gut. And you know what, erring on the good side of anything is so much better than the alternative.
    Johannah B recently posted..Comment on Missing Blog Prizes? by Johannah

  19. says

    The worst mistakes I’ve mad were when I didn’t listen to my gut. I’m sure you made the right decision. And as for the rest of your issues, they are just that, YOUR issues. For you to deal with as YOU see fit, on YOUR time table. Keep on following that gut and you’ll keep on being awesome.
    Meredith recently posted..OMG. I Have a Legit Blog.

  20. says

    This is a very brave post. I can imagine your disappointment at missing the conference. Maybe talking about this on your blog will help your blogging friends know how to be there for you. Which may mean creating our own alcohol-free party. I’d be there. :-)

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