I was supposed to be in Nashville right now. I had been planning on going to the Blissdom conference since the beginning of this year. I had a sponsor lined up, purchased a ticket and my plane ticket. I was ready to go.
But last week I got this terrible feeling in my stomach that told me I shouldn’t go. A close family friend is gravely ill and I didn’t feel right leaving at a time like this. Plus Landon got horribly sick with strep and he just laid there for four days. He was not himself at all, which made me even more nervous to leave.
I promised myself I would listen to my gut. Well, my gut was telling me not to go.
Believe me I was excited at the thought of attending another conference. I sincerely wanted to make up for the chance I lost at BlogHer. I guess I am still very ashamed of myself for not being able to handle the conference last time. And I wanted to prove to everyone that I could do it. I wanted to show my online friends who I really am. A fun-loving, honest and caring person.
But last week I saw my therapist and talked to her about Blissdom. I told her that I was terrified that something would go wrong again. That my anxiety would take over and I would hide in my hotel room again. That people would think I was a big weirdo all over again.
Honestly? I realized I was really nervous about all the alcohol at the parties. Would I be able to say no like I know I should. Or would I start with one and end up downing seven like last time? Alcohol is an issue I haven’t talked much about on my blog. You guys know me. You know I open up about pretty much everything on here. But my issues with alcohol? I just can’t talk about it. I don’t know how. I’m afraid of being judged so harshly that I will be run out of blogging altogether.
The problem is – alcohol is everywhere. And everyone drinks it. And when I’m alone in a social setting I have trouble choosing right from wrong. I feel like no one understands my struggle. Because I see others casually sip their wine and laugh and have fun with a glass in their hand. It’s unfair. Because I can’t do that. I’ve never been able to drink and have fun. It’s always been a disaster for me.
So I guess I’m just not ready. Not ready to face my fears. Not ready to face the parties and the alcohol that always seems to call my name.
And I feel like a failure all over again.
Will I ever be ready to tell you all what it’s like for me?
Will I ever be able to admit what I am? And come clean.