I keep coming to this space. Hurriedly clicking the keyboard watching letters form words. Then holding the delete button until they’re all gone. I’m not working this week and I’ve very purposefully taken some of my “alone” time to reflect on what my life is right now.
I wish I could say I’m at a place where I’m happy. There are moments of happiness but overall I am forlorn and tearful. And once again I don’t really know why.
I just got done reading Bloom by Kelle Hampton (run, don’t walk, to the bookstore). I cried through much of it. Not because I’m sad for her and what she had to go through to get to a good place. No, it’s quite the opposite.
She is so vibrant and full of life and positive. She’s a hilarious writer and at the same time her words can run over your heart with the weight of a semi-truck. It was a gift that her book landed on my doorstep on a rainy day when I actually had time to read. And read it I did. In total, it only took me a couple nap times and a late night to finish it.
I sit here tonight, words and thoughts muddying my head, and I don’t know what to say. But I’m going to try to say it anyway.
I want something to happen to me. Something BIG. Something unexpected that changes me.
Obviously, I don’t want it to be something bad. But I feel like I need something BIG to wake me up. Smack me. Walk all over me until I feel pain and hurt and tell it to please stop because I can’t breathe.
I could make another call to my psychiatrist. A call that I’ve made many times before.
“What seems to be the problem, Molly?”
“I just don’t think my meds are working like they should be,” I would tell him. “They seem to work for a little while and then the black hole comes again and swallows me up.”
“Well, come back in. We’ll move some things around. Change your dosage. We’ll get you to where you want to be.”
So I go and I visit him and there’s stopping one med and starting an entirely different med and don’t forget, there are dosage changes to an old med. And hello, new side effects!
Eighteen years of this. EIGHTEEN years of popping necessary pills and struggling to feel stable enough to even THINK about the possibility of being happy. This shit isn’t easy.
So I sit here trying to think of what else I can do. I’ve done so much more this time.
I’ve kept a mood journal only to discover that yes, I have extreme mood swings (um, mood disorder, duh!).
I’m exercising but thanks to a new birth control pill, I just keep gaining weight, which makes me feel even worse about myself.
So I think about myself and my life and what I really want from it all. I only get the gift of life once. And I feel like I’m wasting it. Who knows, maybe it’s already wasted and I will never be the person I thought I would be. Maybe I already got my chance(s) and it’s over.
All I know is – something BIG is going to have to happen to pull me out of whatever I’ve gotten myself into.
It was June of last year that this all started. Ten months ago. Although I’ve had periods where I thought I was getting better, it is short-lived and I’m soon knocked down again. All this beautiful life surrounding me and I can still barely muster a smile.
Reading Kelle’s book made me want what she has. No, I don’t mean a daughter with Down Syndrome specifically. What I mean is – a new pair of glasses with which to see the world. The unexpected changed the person she is and made her want to be a better human being. I want that. I need something to change my perspective on life.
I know I’m so blessed to have what I have. Two beautiful sons whose smiles are sometimes the only thing that keeps me afloat. I say I’m blessed all the time. But maybe I’m not really FEELING it. I want to feel it. I want to do something that drastically changes my life and the life of my family. For the better, of course.
I know there is something out there. Something I’m supposed to be doing or seeing or changing. But I’m stagnant. Frozen. Bored. I’ve gotten comfortable with my pain and God damn it, I don’t want to be comfortable anymore.
But what is it? Where is this change? How long will I have to wait to feel this change within me?
I’m sorry to have to put you all through reading another sad post. Believe me, I would rather not have to write any of this. I wish I could be one of those bloggers that posts how-tos on braiding your hair or how to clean your oven the eco-friendly way. Sorry to disappoint but my hair is air-dried after being brushed through once and my oven hasn’t been cleaned since we moved in nearly a year ago. I promised you I would keep it real here.
I hope I can figure this out. I hope I can find a combination of doctors and holy-hell-was-that-some-good-soul-searching-change.
I desperately want to be happy. Contrary to how I come across, I always have.
I’ve been waiting for it. But maybe I’ve got it wrong.
Maybe whatever it is, it’s waiting for me.