It is difficult to explain depression to someone who has never truly been depressed. I can talk to you about sadness and anxiety until I’m blue in the face. And you can nod your head and say, “that really sucks” in your best supportive tone. But you may still be thinking that I’m just down in the dumps and need to pull myself out of it.
As a writer, I’m always looking for new ways to describe what it’s like to be depressed. I write about this stuff because it may help someone be a better friend in the future.
I am so easily overwhelmed when I’m on the downhill slide. The littlest task can set me on a path of despair and fear.
Take, for instance, the mail.
My mind is so muddled with empty and sad thoughts that I forget to go to the mailbox for a few days. When I finally remember it is overflowing. I let out a sigh of frustration and gather it in my hands. I take it inside and lay it out on the counter. I have good intentions of going through it. Tossing the junk mail, shredding documents and paying any extra bills that come in. But glancing at it, my mind begins to shut down. I pile it into a neat stack and store it next to the coffee maker.
I see it every morning, every afternoon, every night. It stares and begs, open me, open me, open me. But I haven’t the energy to face it. So it stays there, the pile growing each day.
I know I need to open it but just looking at it overwhelms me to the point that I have to leave the room. I feel tired thinking about sorting through it. It’s the same with email.
That’s when I know I’m in a depression. When the mail is piled high it’s a tell tale sign that something is wrong.
Let me be clear – this does not mean I am LAZY. No, I’m an adult. I know what needs to be done. But it isn’t that easy for my mind. I get extremely overwhelmed and my first reaction is to hide from whatever is making me anxious.
Lately, I’ve been heading to bed after I put the boys to sleep. Sometimes it feels like it’s all I can do to make it there. And once I’m there I can’t get up.
I’m so tired. So very tired.
That’s what depression does to you. It exhausts your mind. It exhausts your body. It ROBS you of energy. It ROBS you of your will and your strength and your light.
I don’t know why. I don’t know how it is capable of doing this even while taking three medications.
The truth is – it’s not fair.
I want to be a good mom and a good wife and a good person overall. I want to keep up with housework and make everyone happy, myself included.
Depression is like a leaky faucet. You try to tighten the plumbing but you still drip, drip, drip anyway.
When the simple task of getting the mail seems impossible – that’s when I know.
I know there’s a leak.
Linking up with Pour Your Heart Out.
Oh this was all too true for me, as I think about the mail that hasn’t been fetched from our box in a few days. Remember, that first step is the biggest. Open the first envelope. Don’t think about the whole task at hand….just open that first envelope. Then go from there, one step at a time. I’ll remember you as I do the same tonight after work. Praying for you.
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It really is easier if I start opening the mail immediately. But there are always those pieces of mail that I have to keep, yet I don’t know what to do with them or how to organize them. So they just start to pile up and then I forget things. I’m really unorganized, which is part of the problem.
I’m really glad I read this b/c I’m struggling, suddenly, in ways I’ve never struggled before. I know something is wrong b/c I don’t want to be in the physical presence of other people, and I’m an extrovert. I don’t really want to talk on the phone, either, and everyone (EVERYONE!) gets on my nerves. I feel so angry and frustrated all the time. It’s really strange. Everything’s a hot, piggy mess, but that’s not as good of an indicator b/c everything’s pretty much always that way…
Brandee Shafer recently posted..Annapolis Adventure
And I feel the same. I used to be such a social butterfly. And although I do try to branch out, it is still exhausting when I do.
The mess (physical and emotional) is probably not as bad as it seems. Most the time, when I see my therapist, I instantly feel better about life and all that is left to do.
I am struggling with depression right now too. Every task just seems.so.hard. Still dishes in the sink from 2 days ago that need to be washed and it just seems too hard to do.
Prayers sent your way!
Michelle
http://normalchaosforamultitaskmom.blogspot.com/2012/04/my-biggest-regret.html
I feel ya. Dishes are often in the sink at our house too!
I’ve been saying I’ve been in a “funk” for the past few months. I have a family situation that is extremely stressful that has impacted me and will for many years to come. My trust in this person who caused this situation is gone, and I’m trying to rebuild it, and they know it is because of their actions. We are dealing with the consequences of this person’s actions and will for quite a while. In fact, the consquences are impacting ME more than the person who made a very poor choice, and the person does not seem to see that, or understand that. Perhaps it’s perception of the situation, but it’s probably a large part of the reason I feel so sad, because this other person is playing the victim, when in fact, they are the cause of the problem. And I’m doing everything I can to not feel like a victim myself. I know I’m being cryptic as I’m not able/willing to get into details of the situation on the internet, but I am seeing a therapist once a week as well as attending a support group meeting once a week. I have seen some progress in myself the past 2 months in particular as I learn how to cope, and deal with the anger and resentment, because it’s not healthy for me. I’ve stopped short of saying I’m depressed, because I don’t think that’s what I am, but I do have days where I just can’t shake the sad. I try to accept that those will happen, and tomorrow will be better, and often it is. And I too have always been an extrovert, social, happy, energetic, etc. And I pretty much am all day, but when I get home, I crash. The past few nights I’ve gone to bed after putting my son to sleep, but the other extreme is I’m up worrying for hours before I can fall asleep. While I’ve learned some coping mechanisms, I’m starting to wonder if I need something more to deal with the anxiety/sadness, but I’m taking things one day at a time right now. I love your honesty, and I know I don’t understand what you’ve been through or are going through Molly, but thank you for making me look at my situation from a slightly different perspective too. Any of us who are depressed, sad, etc. are of course working on getting better and improving ourselves. With our without meds, and I can’t imagine the struggle you are having if the meds are not helping you some days. We are all doing the best that we can in a given day, and some days will be better than others. We just have to remind ourselves of that sometimes. I’ve been reading your blog for a while, long before my “situation” happened, and you have been a huge inspiration to me in figuring out how to deal with things, talk things through, etc. None of us can understand another’s feelings or what they are going through perfectly, but your perspective and approach for your situation has been of a lot of comfort to me. Sending a huge hug to you!
Suze recently posted..Growing Up So Fast
I’m so sorry for all your troubles, Suze. Past and present. Life can be so difficult, can’t it? But I’m so glad you found my blog and that what I write touches you and helps you. We’re in this together
Twitter: momgosomething
says:
You described this beautifully.
I’m so sorry that you’re in this phase. I hate that you are.
Just know that you’ve kicked its ass before and you’ll do it again. There are so many people who want to reach out to you and help you. I am one of them. Know that I’m always here. I’ll help find that bloody leak and I’ll seal it with all I have….like the mysterious sticky goop that is on my kitchen floor.
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Kim, you are so wonderful. Seriously. I’m so glad I have a friend who truly understands what this is like.
Oh, Molly. I hear you so very well on this. For me it’s dishes and laundry. Emptying the dishwasher becomes a monumentul task that is impossible to accomplish. Impossible. I wish I could hug you and then help you sort the mail, and you could help me empty the dishwasher
I, too, sleep and feel weighted down. But you know all this. I just want you to know that you’re supported. Hang in there, tightly.
Kim recently posted..Too Many
Yes, I’ll do your dishes if you’ll open my mail. Depression negotiations have begun
I hope you can find your link soon. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to deal with it on top of life. I think about how “down” I can feel some days, without depression, and I just want to hug you for having even more to figure out.
angela recently posted..Life, Overtrained
Twitter: kariandtom
says:
I recently found your blog from Kristal and Megan, but I think I remember you from The Nest. Your picture looks familiar. I also suffer from depression and these posts speak to me. Thank you for being so open and honest. These posts are exactly how I feel and exactly what I need to read.
Yep, I was on the nest so it’s definitely possible. Thank you for reading. I’m sorry you can relate but I’m so glad that at least you know you’re not alone in this struggle. Millions of people are suffering too.
When all the little things start seeming so hard, that’s when I need help.
Shell recently posted..Pour Your Heart Out: Asking For Help
I am sorry to hear about this.. If it happens to me, I don’t even know what to do.. Anyway, I just hope everything will be fine sooner..
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Oh, I feel ya, all so true. Have you had a med adjustment lately?
What a great way to try to put depression into words, thank you. When I get depressed, or start getting depressed, things pile up too. Every. Little. Thing. is just too much. I’ve gone more than a month without paying bills because it seemed too much to open them and go to all the trouble when in my darkest times. I’ve also cried because the trash cans needed to be emptied and laundry needed to be done. It can be so hard.
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