It is difficult to explain depression to someone who has never truly been depressed. I can talk to you about sadness and anxiety until I’m blue in the face. And you can nod your head and say, “that really sucks” in your best supportive tone. But you may still be thinking that I’m just down in the dumps and need to pull myself out of it.
As a writer, I’m always looking for new ways to describe what it’s like to be depressed. I write about this stuff because it may help someone be a better friend in the future.
I am so easily overwhelmed when I’m on the downhill slide. The littlest task can set me on a path of despair and fear.
Take, for instance, the mail.
My mind is so muddled with empty and sad thoughts that I forget to go to the mailbox for a few days. When I finally remember it is overflowing. I let out a sigh of frustration and gather it in my hands. I take it inside and lay it out on the counter. I have good intentions of going through it. Tossing the junk mail, shredding documents and paying any extra bills that come in. But glancing at it, my mind begins to shut down. I pile it into a neat stack and store it next to the coffee maker.
I see it every morning, every afternoon, every night. It stares and begs, open me, open me, open me. But I haven’t the energy to face it. So it stays there, the pile growing each day.
I know I need to open it but just looking at it overwhelms me to the point that I have to leave the room. I feel tired thinking about sorting through it. It’s the same with email.
That’s when I know I’m in a depression. When the mail is piled high it’s a tell tale sign that something is wrong.
Let me be clear – this does not mean I am LAZY. No, I’m an adult. I know what needs to be done. But it isn’t that easy for my mind. I get extremely overwhelmed and my first reaction is to hide from whatever is making me anxious.
Lately, I’ve been heading to bed after I put the boys to sleep. Sometimes it feels like it’s all I can do to make it there. And once I’m there I can’t get up.
I’m so tired. So very tired.
That’s what depression does to you. It exhausts your mind. It exhausts your body. It ROBS you of energy. It ROBS you of your will and your strength and your light.
I don’t know why. I don’t know how it is capable of doing this even while taking three medications.
The truth is – it’s not fair.
I want to be a good mom and a good wife and a good person overall. I want to keep up with housework and make everyone happy, myself included.
Depression is like a leaky faucet. You try to tighten the plumbing but you still drip, drip, drip anyway.
When the simple task of getting the mail seems impossible – that’s when I know.
I know there’s a leak.
Linking up with Pour Your Heart Out.