At this time last year I was not in a very good place. My trip to BlogHer was ruined due to a depressive episode that kept me from having the time of my life. My severe anxiety and paranoia left me crippled, unable to focus. I couldn’t function like a normal person because every day of every minute I pictured my kids dying a horrible death and my brain told me there was nothing I could do to stop it from happening. I developed obsessive-compulsive techniques because I thought it would help save my children.
My depressive episode started in June 2011. By October I wondered if I would ever be happy again. I was going to therapy every week and checking in with my psychiatrist every other week. I was told to take time off of work because I couldn’t function (which I didn’t take for fear of losing my job).
Appointment after appointment, my medications were increased or changed to something new. But nothing worked. They finally decreased one of my meds in late October. The change in my anxiety level was amazing. It’s too bad I didn’t know that too much of one medication made my anxiety the worst it has ever been.
So one problem was taken care of but the depression and anger was still there. I was defensive, irritable and just not a pleasant person to be around in general. I cried a lot when I laid down to go to sleep at night. I just knew I didn’t deserve this amount of emotional pain and it made me sad and angry that I had to go through another episode again.
In January, my meds were switched again. And so began the change I had been waiting for. Within a month I felt better. I was more centered and less likely to fly off the handle.
I kept going to therapy every week. I took my medications, one in the morning to help with the lows and one at night to help with sleep and anxiety. I also had an anxiety medication to take when I felt particularly anxious. I definitely took advantage of this extra med. I am not ashamed to admit when it’s needed.
When I lost my job in early June I could have gone to a very bad place. But the shocking news is that I didn’t. Although I had a bad day or three during the summer I felt happier than I had in a long time. Finally, finally, finally! I was back to feeling good. I enjoyed every day with my family. I had a blast on Fourth of July. August was amazing with Landon’s 4th birthday and our 6th wedding anniversary.
There was no longer a seesaw of emotion. I was even-keel. Relieved to be where I am. I must not forget to give Him the credit. I believe my strengthened faith in God helped me more than anything else. I am a broken being. But I am whole in the eyes of the Lord.
Now I take a deep breath and bask in the glow of a happy time in my life. In fact, I am doing so well that I was able to take a break from regular therapy! There was nothing bad to discuss!
Because of the nature of my disorder I never have any idea when I will slip into a depression. It is my hope that as long as I remain on my medications this won’t happen again. One of the pros of having a mental illness is really being able to appreciate the good times. And I do. I so do.
So, friends, I am finally in a good place. Just like I longed to be. Everyone is reaping the benefits. Me, Naaman, my boys, my family. I worked hard and I’m finally where I belong.
Stable.
Focused.
Happy.
If you are experiencing a dark period in your life please know that there is someone else out there who truly understands the deep abyss of sadness that traps the joy from you. But you can and will get through this. I’m living proof.
Thank you for all the love and words of encouragement during this difficult journey. You’ll never know how much I appreciate it.
I’m so glad to hear that things have been getting better, Molly.
Thanks, Emily! I appreciate your comments as you follow along
I’m so happy for you!
Brandee Shafer recently posted..The Boy
Twitter: smithja2003
says:
This is great! I’m happy for you and admire your fight. I’ve seen so many give up and just exist unhappy in life.
Twitter: tottums
says:
So glad to hear that you’re doing so well, Molly. I hope this means more writing, because I love reading your work. Love you!
Tottums recently posted..A follow up on school behavior.
Thanks, girl. I believe my blogging mojo is back. It’s difficult to write when you’re coming out of a depression but I hope to be more active here now.
Twitter: payettepigtails
says:
I’m so happy to read this! Hooray for you; you deserve to be happy. Hope it lasts and lasts.
Laura recently posted..A Few Photos of Shelby
Praise the Lord for the good times! You are truly an inspiration Molly.
Kiara Buechler recently posted..1 Year Angelversary and 20 Week Anatomy Scan
Thank you, Kiara. It was never my goal to inspire but it sure makes me feel good!
Twitter: FarewellStrangr
says:
This is very happy.
Robin | Farewell, Stranger recently posted..It Matters
I feel like I say this on every post, but you really are a beautiful person inside and out Molly. Thank you for sharing your ongoing journey with us, it is truly inspiring.
Thank you so much for saying that. You’re one of my loyal readers and I appreciate it each time you comment. xoxo
Twitter: gooddishesuser
says:
Two things: First, I just did a post yesterday, acknowledging that one year ago exactly was the beginning of one of the worst periods of my life…suicidally bad. I’m past it and feeling better.
Second, I’m betting that your fitness routine is contributing to your mental health improvement, as well as the medication, and faith.
Whatever the reason, I’m so happy you’re feeling better!
Carol-Anne (Use The Good Dishes!) recently posted..Gratitude Revisited
I think the exercise helps too! I hope I can keep up a healthier lifestyle.
Love this, Molly. So glad you are happy and healthy.
I’m so happy you’re in a good place right now
I hope you ride this wave a long time and that if another episodes hits it’s much more mild.
Twitter: GalitBreen
says:
I’m so happy for you that you’re feeling more centered and focused and happy.
(And I’m so very in awe of you for the grace that you use to tell your story. I hope someone who needs your words, finds them.)
Galit Breen recently posted..The 17 Day Diet: Exercise
Thanks, Galit. I too hope someone who needs it reads my words and is comforted.
Twitter: momgosomething
says:
I needed to hear this more than you know.
I’m so glad that you endured and fought with every last ounce of you.
Proud isn’t a big enough word.
xoxo
Kimberly recently posted..Eating Turkey Like A Boss
(((hugs))) it feels so good to know that there is someone out there (a soulmate I just haven’t met yet) that truly “gets” it. xoxo
I just got done reading your Blogher post from last year and your honesty is amazing. It sounds like you are in such a happier place now. I hope you continue to be happy not only for those around you, but especially for yourself.
Also, random thought, I have the 30 day shred and only did a few days before I quit. I think you have convinced me I need to rummage through my DVDs and try it out again!
It was such a pleasure to meet you yesterday! I hope to see you again soon at another meet-up!
Heather recently posted..The Perfect Traditional Chili
Thanks for checking me out, Heather. I’m so glad I met you too. Your blog is too cute!
This makes me so happy for you (and your family)!!
Megan recently posted..Back in my arms.