Brigham was up early yesterday morning. Like 5:30 a.m. early. So I brought him to bed with me and put on a show for him to watch while I slept some more tried to wake up. Next thing I know he was puking on the floor and crying out for me because little ones get confused when their tummy brings it all back up. I quickly took him into the bathroom as he continued to vomit. I knew then it would be a rough day. My mother-in-law was there to take care of them. But I’m his mama. It should be me holding him tight when he’s sick, shouldn’t it?
I text my boss and told her I would be late. When really I wished I could say – I won’t be in . . . ever.
It’s days like yesterday that make me resentful. It’s days like yesterday that make me want to throw in the towel and never leave my babies ever. I didn’t want to leave. But I eventually had to make myself.
On the ride to work I was mad. Mad that my mind had to be elsewhere when really it was nowhere else but with Brigham. I started thinking of all the reasons I can’t be a stay at home mom. It is our fault. It is because of some of our stupid decisions that I don’t have the freedom to hold him when he’s sick. I sit there and I wish, I wish, I wish for a different path because this one involves working hard every day of my life. Working away memories that will never be made.
I try not to think this way. I try to remain grateful for where I am in this life. There is a reason for it. But when I think that we are the reason, well, it cuts me open because we could have made different choices. Could’a, should’a, would’a. Those kind of thoughts suck.
Before I left yesterday Brigham held onto me and said, “Stay with me, mama.”
I choked down the lump in my throat and told him I couldn’t. I left him there on the sofa and walked away heartsick and wishing.
My parents and brother live 8 hours away. Jim’s mom lives 7 hours away. His brother lives…I don’t know…10 hours away? So not only am I home with my little ones every day, but I don’t have family support when it comes time for a date night. We pay a sitter, sometimes, but we’re a one-income family. There aren’t many date nights. On top of all this, sometimes I miss who I used to be…or how I used to feel about myself when I had a reason to fix my hair, wear make-up, wear decent clothes. I miss adult conversation. I miss feeling like someone…or a different someone…when I taught English to adults, spent time interacting with other professionals.
I think it’s not easy, this parenting business, no matter what. I think the grass is always a little greener. You remind me to be thankful for exactly where I am and exactly what I’m doing.
Brandee recently posted..The Truth about Parenting
Twitter: hellonurse182
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Its so so awful when they’re sick! I hope he’s feeling better soon! Thankfully Braden has never been sick with a stomach bug for more than 1 puke!
Sarah [Nurse Loves Farmer] recently posted..Organic vs. Non-Organic Food: A Professional Mama’s View
Oh that’s just the worst thing about having to work when you’re a mom, isn’t it? I’m so sorry and hope he’s feeling better soon!
Oh Molly, I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. It’s the WORST when you’re kids get sick, all you want to do is cuddle them and help them feel better. I can only imagine how hard it was to leave him when he was feeling so crummy. Hopefully sometime (soon!) down the line, you’ll have the ability to stay at home with them. But if not — you are doing the best you can, and they are lucky to have you!
Mandy@ a sorta fairytale recently posted..waving my white motherhood flag.