Oh dear. I haven’t blogged again in over a week. I’m not even going to call them blogging breaks anymore. I’m just going to call it what it is. Exhaustion. My blog is just one.more.thing I have to worry about. I have to update it for everyone to see! But no, I really don’t. That’s me forcing myself to do something that I just plain don’t feel like doing right now.
The truth is – I am very overwhelmed. I’m not unhappy or anything. I’ll just tell you what happened.
I finally told my boss a few weeks ago that I’m expecting a baby in January. She was very nice and congratulated me. She asked if I was coming back and I said, yes, at this point I’ll be coming back.
Then I asked her about the maternity leave policy. Since I had never really expected to be pregnant again I didn’t really even look into it. Unfortunately, FMLA is not a given here because we don’t have 50 employees. So I asked her again, how much time will I get.
Apparently we get short term disability and the norm for a vaginal delivery is six weeks. And that’s pretty much when I shut down. I suddenly had a huge lump in my throat. I had to politely end the conversation because I was about a minute from a nervous breakdown.
Six weeks. SIX WEEKS?! I can’t do it, guys. I know women are forced to do this every damn day because the United States can’t get it together when it comes to parental leave policies. But no. I just cannot leave my six-week-old baby girl at a daycare.
Not to mention the fact that I don’t even make that much money after paying for daycare and gas money for my ridiculous commute. The way I see it, it’s not even worth making the drive every morning. Stressing myself out to get three kids to daycare and getting a measly little amount of money after writing a check to the daycare center.
I just can’t. My mom says I’ll help! But the thing is – I don’t want help. It is SUPPOSED to be my responsibility. I am bringing this fragile little baby into the world and my body is supposed to be there to nourish her and protect her and love her. Not someone else.
I went back to work when Brigham was only 8-weeks-old. That was bad enough. I cried multiple times a day. There was nowhere for me to pump. I was stressed out and sick all the damn time.
I cannot do it.
I’m trying not to think about the future. I’m trying not to think about six weeks being over in the blink of an eye and handing my baby girl off to someone else. I try to think about focusing at work when all I want to do is be with my babies. This is basically awful. And I won’t be forced to be ripped apart from my baby when she needs me the most.
Therefore, I have to come up with a plan. At this time, I don’t have a good one. It’s driving me crazy that I don’t have a good one.
I find myself being incredibly jealous of stay-at-home-moms. I find myself reading blogs of stay-at-home-moms wondering how they make it on one salary in today’s economy. I find myself being enraged because of the financial decisions we have made that make it impossible for me to quit my job.
I just don’t understand how to make this better. I don’t understand how I’m ever going to be able to quit my job and stay home with this new baby and still pay all our bills. We are in a much better place than we were two years ago. But the student loans are too much. Our mortgage is too much. We both work a lot to be able to afford our bills and all the extras it takes to raise two growing boys.
But the fact remains that I need a steady income. There is the possibility of going to part-time someplace else? But that can’t fall into place until after I’ve had the baby, which leaves me feeling anxious.
Sorry if it sounds like I’m complaining and being negative. I just had to get this all out. It’s like I could not continue blogging until I purged my thoughts on how bad this sucks. The truth is I just don’t want the added pressure of work as we transition to a family of five. I want to focus on my children and staying sane. I don’t believe I will be a very good mom if I have to come back to work full-time when my baby girl is only 6-weeks-old.
Cry with me? Help me? Any ideas?
I’m at a loss.