Adventures In Parenting | A Day in Mollywood

Being Present

August 29, 2012 By Molly

Monday was a lazy day for us. Naaman was at work and it was just me and the boys. We spent the morning in our pajamas while I let them play in front of me. I’ll admit that I have been a bit grumpy the past few days. So I sat and fiddled with my phone the whole time they played. I just wasn’t in the mood to play along with them.

We finally got ready and went to the park but the boys asked to leave because it was too hot. We went to my parents house to let their dogs out while they were away. Finally it was nap time. Three glorious hours to do whatever the hell I wanted. I had been waiting for it all morning.

When they got up I was still feeling blah. I took them out in the yard and they played amongst themselves. Every once in awhile Landon would ask me to do something but I wasn’t paying attention. I only felt like being alone. So I played on my phone some more while they pretended to be camping.

After we got home and had dinner I was sitting on the couch. Yep, you guessed it. Looking at my phone again waiting for the day to be over so I could put them to bed and have time to myself. Landon came up to me and tugged at my shirt.

“Mommy, will you come play with us?”

I looked up from my phone and without even thinking I said, “No, not right now.”

Suddenly he started bawling. He beat his hands on the ottoman and said, “I just want you to play with me!”

Then it hit me like a brick in the face. What was I thinking? How could I do that to my son? I suddenly realized that I hadn’t been present at all that day. But the kicker was – he already knew it. He felt that he wasn’t important. It was like a punch to the gut.

Sure, every parent has a bad day. One where they just don’t feel up to the task of being a great role model. But it’s still no excuse to act like they are an inconvenience.

What I did – or what I didn’t do – it meant something to him. I failed my sons.

I spent that night thinking about what I could have done differently. What I could have said differently. I realized how much my actions and words affect my sons on a daily basis. And I knew I needed to try harder.

I told Naaman I thought it was important for me to spend some one-on-one time with each boy. I think sometimes my boys don’t get the undivided attention they need to know how important they are to me. So I decided to take Landon out for a mommy/son date the next night since my “no” had really hit him hard.

When I picked Landon up from preschool I told him we were going someplace special, just he and I. You should have seen his eyes light up! He kept asking where we were going. After dinner I put him in the car and he was smiling so big.

We went to a new frozen yogurt bar. I told him he could get whatever he wanted. He picked chocolate mint with gummy bears and m&m’s piled on top. I picked white chocolate with sprinkles and raspberry truffles.

We sat at a kiddie-sized table and I watched him dig his fingers into the chocolate to retrieve his little gummy bears. Instead of freaking out over the mess I just enjoyed wiping drips off his cute little face with a napkin. How I could ignore this precious soul is beyond me.

I asked him questions about his day and he said his usual, “good.” But after a few minutes he opened up and told me that school is hard for him. That sometimes he can’t do the lessons that the teachers want him to do. This is good information I need to know. I told him to keep trying. And it’s okay if it takes some time. Everybody learns at a different pace.

Next we went to the dollar store and I told him he could pick whatever toy he wanted. He was in heaven. It took him at least ten minutes to decide on spiderman binoculars. And then, he surprised me.

“Mom, we have to pick something out for Brigs,” he said searching the aisle for his brother’s perfect gift. He picked a blue car because he said Brigham likes blue. Oh, this child. Be still my heart.

I told Landon how much I love him and how special he is to me, over and over. I know he doesn’t understand when mommy has a bad day. I know I have to make it a point to be more present in their lives. I can be in the same room with them and not really be there, you know what I mean?

I messed up but don’t we all? I’m just so thankful for the second chances that come with each new day. And I am so thankful for the forgiving hearts of my children.

I’ll try harder, my loves.

Filed Under: Adventures in Parenting, Landon, Mommy Moments 9 Comments

A little bit country

July 11, 2012 By Molly

Eating at restaurants with the boys has become challenging. Their attention span lasts about 15 minutes. Then starts the whining and food-tossing and wiggling around in their seats. We are forced to pound our food into our mouths at rapid speeds ensuring heartburn for later.

We do anything and everything to keep them entertained. Books, toys, games, coloring. Again, this doesn’t keep their interest for long. But they can certainly surprise you when you least expect it.

My mom and I were with the boys in Jimmy John’s the other day. We were hoping for a tantrum-free lunch. A country song came on and suddenly both boys hopped up and started dancing! No one was in the restaurant so instead of making them sit down we laughed about it. It was hilarious.

Maybe from now on we’ll have to go to restaurants that play country music!

Filed Under: Adventures in Parenting, Double Trouble, Videos 7 Comments

Drive-by Blogging

March 6, 2012 By Molly

1. The boys are both in that weird clothing stage where nothing fits perfectly. For Landon, 3T is now too small while 4T is still too big. For Brigham, 18 monthw is definitely much too small (he’s 30 lbs now!) while 2T is a bit too big. It’s so annoying. I feel like they both look a bit homely with their too small/too big clothing because I do not want to buy new winter clothes. I am trying to wait it out long enough for new spring and summer clothes. Sorry, boys.

2. At the urging of Jill, I recently used some blog money to purchase Lightroom 3 to edit my photos. It has been awhile since I’ve had a nice program for post-processing and I’m ready to see where this takes my photography. I am excited at the prospect of the different actions and presets I can use. Problem is finding time to learn it!

3. I chopped my hair off a couple of weeks ago and I’m not loving it. It is a very blunt cut that comes right to my chin. With the addition of my bangs, it looks like I’m wearing a wig. I should have left it long.

4. I’m concerned about Landon’s attention-span at preschool. The teachers always tell me what a good boy he is and how he likes to help. But recently they shared with me that he no longer wants to sit down and do the lessons or art projects. I told them we would practice more at home. I tried to sit Landon down and practice writing his letters but he quickly becomes frustrated and says, “I can’t do it,” which breaks my heart. I want him to know he can do ANYTHING. I told him not to say that but he just gets up out of his chair and says he wants to play. I’m not sure where to go from here. It seems he has very little interest in learning or sitting still. He is already so smart but I want him to love learning. Three-years-old has been a challenge to say the least. He can still be so sweet. But sometimes his attitude is just, um, completely overwhelming.

5. I still have yet to post the second part of my vlog. But since I was called ugly the last time I am so nervous to post another one.

6. I’m so sick of buying diapers. Landon is still not nighttime potty-trained. He never has an accident in the daytime or at nap time. But nighttime is a different story. He wakes up with a very wet pull-up. Not sure when that will change or if it’s supposed to change any time soon. Brigham is still in size 5 diapers. While he is showing some signs of being ready to potty-train, I’m not ready to go down that road just yet. I really wish cloth diapering had worked for our family. When I spend $35 for a box of stuff we throw away, it makes me want to vomit.

7. In September, it will have been five years since Naaman and I took a vacation on our own. Lately I have been daydreaming of a romantic beach vacation for us. I don’t know why but Aruba keeps popping up in my head and I find myself googling Aruba vacations. While we are still knee-deep in paying off our debt, I feel like we’re doing really well and I hope we can reward ourselves with an adults-only beach vacation (paid for in full). Possibly 2013 or 2014. Fingers crossed.

8. I really need to upgrade my iphone. I have the very first version and it takes five minutes to pull up facebook or twitter or instagram. Totally maddening, especially when I just want to check in real quick. I can’t stand to spend $199 when technically, I do have a phone that still works. But I’m growing more impatient by the minute.

Filed Under: Adventures in Parenting, Blogging, Brigham, Landon, Photography, Travel 15 Comments

Building on Brotherly Love

February 17, 2012 By Molly

Brigham is 21-months-old. It is very hard for me to grasp that Landon was this same age when Brigham was born.

You see, Brigham can communicate. He can say a lot of words at this point. But we can’t have conversations with him. We can’t make him understand how things work. He has to figure that all out on his own in the coming years.

So when I look at Brigham and think that Landon was this age when he became a big brother? Well, it just astounds me that Landon handled it as well as he did. He was so young. Looking at Brigham at 21-months solidifies that fact. He just seems so little to me.

I never really talked about how Landon reacted to his new baby brother when he first saw him. The truth is, it wasn’t that heart-explosion experience that I had pictured during my entire pregnancy.

No, my parents brought Landon to the hospital the morning after Brigham was born. We were so excited for him to meet his brother for the first time. But when he came into the room he freaked out. He got really quiet and seemed very confused as to why I was in a big high bed, unreachable to him.

We lifted him up so that he could see Brigham in the isolette. Hopefully this will give you a tiny glimpse into how that went over. He approached with such trepidation.

So we tried to approach it another way, which didn’t work either.

Then, as if it couldn’t get any worse, he went and hid behind the bedside table to get away from everyone. My heart sank and I tried not to cry.

When I look back I think his reaction makes perfect sense. He was frightened. Here he is in this new place with new smells and his mom in a hospital bed and we’re putting him face-to-face with a baby he has never seen before. Poor guy. He was completely overwhelmed.

I’m not sure how we could have handled it any better. Maybe not brought him to the hospital and waited for him to meet Brigham at home? Knowing Landon a little more now, he tends to be very timid in new situations and is leery of new people. Brigham was probably no exception. It takes him a little while to warm up and decide if he’s going to like someone.

The next day, my parents brought him back and he did much better than the day before.

I guess I’m telling this story because I think it might help someone. I want to be transparent on my blog. The siblings meeting for the first time isn’t always picture-perfect, especially if your oldest is still fairly young and can’t understand what’s happening. Their little world as they know it gets turned upside down and they have to re-learn how to live with this new baby invading their only child status.

But after the newness wore off, the sweet brotherly love was uncovered.

Just look at this blast from the past . . . when Landon was 21-months-old. It is my favorite video I’ve ever taken.

Brigham is 21-months-old. The same age as Landon when they met for the first time.

And now, they’re rolling around together, wrestling each other, jumping on beds, and stealing each other’s trucks. Sometimes Landon gets super annoyed with Brigham. And sometimes they are best friends, building blocks together while building brotherly love.

I guess it’s just as it should be.

Filed Under: Adventures in Parenting, Birth, Brigham, Double Trouble, Landon 10 Comments

When I think my morning is hard

January 18, 2012 By Molly

The other day, getting Landon to preschool was a nightmare. He woke up yelling that he wanted his scooter. He wouldn’t put on his clothes. He wouldn’t brush his teeth. He kept screaming and crying for his scooter. And at 6:00 a.m. I just wanted peace. I wanted silence. I wanted him to cooperate so we could get going and I wouldn’t be late to work.

At one point, both my kids were crying. Landon, because he desperately wanted to ride his blue scooter inside the house and I told him no. Brigham, probably because he was being ignored as I tried to get Landon under control.

I started the car and thought to myself, only ten more minutes until I can drop them at daycare and hear silence. I was tired after staying up too late trying to fix my phone that wasn’t working properly. I was pissed about my phone. I was pissed that I often have to listen to constant whining.

When I got to work I pulled up my google reader to catch up on a few blogs before I went to work answering emails. And then I saw it. The news that baby Tripp went to heaven.

Reluctantly I pulled up the blog and read about Tripp’s struggle the last few days before he met Jesus. I looked down at my phone and thought, God I’m stupid. All I want is for this mom to be able to hold her sweet boy again. A boy that shouldn’t have had to go through what he went through with this terrible, unfair disease. And a mother who never ever should have to go through saying goodbye to her son. It was like someone suddenly hit me in the stomach with a hammer.

Most the time I say I’m grateful for what I have. For two beautiful and healthy sons whose biggest struggle is not being able to ride a scooter inside the house.

But really, I’m just selfish. Selfish for wanting silence when it’s NORMAL for kiddos to make noise and have tantrums. Selfish for counting down the minutes until I can drop him off at school and drink my coffee uninterrupted.

When I read things like this, my heart physically hurts. I just don’t understand. I guess I can’t possibly understand God’s plan. Because I’m not meant to have all the answers. I’m not home yet. Home is heaven and it’s where all the answers are. I have to wait until my time comes.

But one answer I do have is I need to practice grace and patience and to be grateful for every single second God gives me with my children. I need to not take things so seriously. So I’m 15 minutes late to work. So what? What matters is that my kiddos are happy when I leave them. And they can’t be happy unless I’m happy.

When I got home that night, I went to find the blue scooter that Landon had begged to ride earlier that morning. I picked it up and set it down in front of him in the kitchen.

“Go for it, Landon,” I said.

He rode his scooter happily while yelling at the top of his lungs. And I smiled because I had the chance to make it right.

Some moms won’t ever get that chance. I need to remember that.

Filed Under: Adventures in Parenting, Blogging, Landon, Mommy Moments 21 Comments

Parenting is not one size fits all

January 16, 2012 By Molly

It’s the attack of the mommy wars again. Don’t for one second think you haven’t heard of these. You know the ones.

working mom vs. stay at home mom

breastfeeding vs. formula feeding

cry it out vs. anti-cry it out

I saw arguments about it all last week.

My friend Jill at Baby Rabies wrote about her decision to try crying it out with her one-year-old daughter. She made this carefully-thought out decision based on her personal situation and was then blasted on facebook by mothers who disagreed with her choice.

I think my parenting perspective is a unique one. Well, I guess we ALL have a unique one. What I mean is, when it comes to all three of the arguments above, I’ve been on both sides of the fence.

I have been a stay at home mom AND a working mom

I have formula-fed one son AND breastfed another

I have used the cry it out method for one son AND chose not to use it for another

I give you the following examples only to prove that due to many individual stories – you should never judge. Because there is more than likely extenuating circumstances that you would never know just by asking one question.

Breastfeeding did not work out with Landon. Because of this, I struggled for over a year to accept the loss of that relationship. Part of that was because I worried that other mothers would think I was a failure. And I spent much of my second pregnancy in fear of not being able to breastfeed again. Why? Why was I so upset the first time it did not work out? Because it was something I desperately wanted to give my son.

I never had a discussion with someone who said, “Breastfeeding is best and that’s what you should do.” No, I just felt it was the right thing to do for me. So I gave it my all trying everything I could to make enough milk and get him to latch. But it never happened. I beat myself up about it for months. The internet had a large part in that. At the time I was a part of a large community forum that waged wars against both sides of the parenting coin.

You breastfed your child for how long? Gross. You formula-fed your child? Gross. Who’s the winner here? The answer is no one as long as we’re throwing stones.

We all make decisions based on our unique experiences. Judgement is easy. We don’t even have to say it aloud. We can just think it and the superiority rushes over us making us feel like a better parent. But we’re not. Especially not when we make a snap judgement against someone we barely know. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say you probably don’t know the whole story. None of us ever could. Because we’re not living it.

Landon was an excellent sleeper as a baby. He started sleeping through the night consistently at three months. But around ten months he began waking four to six times per night. Without a full night’s sleep both Landon and the grown ups were a mess in the morning! At Landon’s next doctor’s appointment we brought it up to his pediatrician. He recommended we let Landon cry and fuss for a little bit before falling asleep. It made me anxious just thinking about it. I usually rocked him to sleep in my arms and then laid him down. But on this night we decided to give it a try. He cried for maybe five minutes and was out for the whole night. It worked for us and our situation.

Does that mean that listening to him cry was easy for me? Not at all. I didn’t want to do this. But I knew that we ALL needed to get sleep or the days ahead would get worse.

For me? I don’t have the option for no sleep. I have a mental illness that is made much worse with lack of sleep. It is imperative that I get at least some sleep or my brain can slip back into its bad habits. Lack of sleep is my biggest trigger for depression and anxiety.

Then Brigham was born and what was the right decision for one baby got turned upside down with the next.

With Brigham, we could not let him cry it out due to a possible diagnosis of Reactive Airway Disease. I’m certain I would have tried it had it not been for him coughing and wheezing when he woke up. He seemed to have breathing issues and therefore there was no way for us to say, “Let’s let him cry when he wakes up and see if he can put himself back to sleep” because we knew we might be putting him in danger. In my gut I knew it wasn’t the right decision for OUR baby. Let’s just say we got used to never sleeping during the first year of his life and my poor brain suffered.

I write all this to say, it is up to us as parents to assess our situation and make an informed decision. It’s not up to anyone else.

I tend to stick to my gut. It’s usually spot on. And if you’re a parent, you should stick to yours too. Because no one else knows what your baby needs more than you. Parenting is not one size fits all.

Filed Under: Adventures in Parenting, Blogging, Breastfeeding, Brigham, Landon, Mommy Moments 13 Comments

Things I say on a daily basis

December 16, 2011 By Molly

Let me wipe your hands.

Don’t hit your brother.

I don’t know where your car is.

Let me wipe your face.

Don’t make me come over there.

Don’t push your brother.

Let me wipe your nose.

Stop jumping on the couch.

Don’t sit on your brother.

Please don’t run your cars across the wall.

Please don’t run your hands across the wall.

Use your fork not your fingers.

Stop jumping on the bed.

Stand still when you’re going potty.

Aim for the water.

You can’t wear the Spiderman costume to school.

You can’t wear the Spiderman costume to bed.

Two books and that’s it.

No really, three books. That’s all I’m reading.

Use your listening ears.

Say please.

Say thank you.

Say you’re sorry.

I love you.

I love you more than you know.

Please note how he’s sitting on his brother AND wearing the Spiderman costume. Yeah, the listening ears thing isn’t working out so well.

Filed Under: Adventures in Parenting, Double Trouble, Mommy Moments, Silly Me 14 Comments

teeth & intuition

October 27, 2011 By Molly

Last week I had a nagging feeling that wouldn’t go away. It had been a year since Landon’s last dentist appointment. I had been putting it off because his first visit to the dentist was, let’s just say, unsuccessful.

We didn’t go back and I waited too long to find a new dentist for him. Until finally, last Friday, I reluctantly looked up our dental insurance and started searching for a reputable pediatric dentist. One with a fun atmosphere filled with toys and pops of color. And a staff that knew how to work with kids’ teeth.

I clicked on a random link and noticed they had an after-hours emergency line. I’ll probably never need that, I thought, but you never know. And I put it out of my mind. Since it was Friday afternoon I made a note to call the next week.

Fast forward to Monday afternoon when I received a call from Naaman. When I saw his name come across my phone I knew something had happened. It was mommy intuition.

Naaman told me that Landon lost his grip and tumbled off the jungle gym at the park. He fell smack on his face and lost a bottom tooth. I was shocked. But of course I was asking if the rest of him was okay before caring about the tooth. He assured me Landon was fine and was begging to stay at the park to play even after the accident! So I kept my Girl’s Night Out plans with friends because I guess it just didn’t register to me that it was that bad.

When I got home he was already asleep. Of course I went in to see what he looked like with one less tooth. But when I pulled his lower lip down I noticed the two teeth to the side of the missing one had a huge gap between it. My heart sunk. I touched the teeth and they wiggled back and forth. He grimaced in pain when they moved. Naaman was right next to me and was very upset. I asked him if Landon had eaten anything and he said not much. I knew that the other teeth would probably have to come out.

I surprised myself when I did not freak out. Ordinarily this type of situation would have sent me into a ball of tears with expletives flying out of my mouth left and right. But this time? This time I knew what to do. I went downstairs and looked up the same pediatric dentist that I had found just three days earlier. And there it was. The after-hours emergency phone number. You just never know.

Or do you?

I called and the dentist actually answered at 11:00 p.m.! I was already impressed. She was so kind and told us to come to the office first thing in the morning. We were there by 8:30 and they squeezed us in. Landon was terrified even though the entire office was decorated in dinosaurs. He screamed, cried, flailed about and refused to open his mouth for the x-rays, which meant his mouth had to be pried open with tools. Sure enough, one of the loose teeth would have to come out.

We toyed with the option of an oral surgeon and general anesthesia. Only because he was so upset that we didn’t think they could get through the procedure if he was trying to escape the whole time. But we decided against that approach. Naaman held our sweet boy as they gave him the shot and that part was the worst of it. I’ve never heard him cry like that in his three little years. It was heartbreaking.

Before we knew it, it was over and he was missing two teeth. We decided to keep the third loose tooth in to try to save it. But if it hurts him too much or turns a different color it will have to come out too.

Two missing teeth. Possibly three. And his permenant teeth won’t come in for years. I didn’t cry until he was in bed for the night. Then the tears came.

But Naaman has cried more about this than I have. He feels like it’s his fault. The guilt is really hurting him. And I just want to say (because I know he reads my blog) that you are the best daddy our boys could ever have, honey. It was not your fault. Our child is a daredevil and thinks he is invincible. But you’re a daddy that will always try to catch your sons’ falls. That is ALL that matters.

I am trying to keep perspective. I’m sure there are a lot of people out there who are like, it’s just teeth. What’s the big deal? Well, I was kind of used to that perfect white smile. He would flash that grin at me and I would just melt into a big love puddle. I am so worried that kids will make fun of him as he starts kindergarten or first grade with missing teeth. I am worried that his language might be disrupted. But I understand that it could have been much worse. Broken jaw or cheek, concussion, eye wound. Ugh, I don’t even want to think about it.

Landon is doing great. He has been so brave and was telling everyone about his “big accident” at school. All the girls were concerned for him.

So the dental drama is over (hopefully). But I keep going back to one thing. That nagging feeling I had three days before the accident. I know not everyone believes that everything happens for a reason. But I do. I always have. It’s like I knew before it even happened that I would need that dentist. That I would choose to click on that link that led me to a website where they just happened to have an emergency dental line.

Three days before. It was more than a coincidence. Landon was supposed to lose those teeth. I don’t necessarily understand why.

But I know his smile is uniquely his. And I still melt into a big love puddle when he flashes it at me.

Filed Under: Adventures in Parenting, Landon, Naaman, Stuff I Don't Love 16 Comments

he’s just shy

October 18, 2011 By Molly

I walked into Landon’s preschool room to pick him up for the day. I was a bit early so the kids were still playing outside. There are windows in the back where you can watch them from the inside. I decided to wait a few minutes and observe Landon.

My eyes scanned the playground, all the kids scattered about in little groups. My eyes stopped at one group of preschoolers playing on the wooden jungle gym. Nope, he’s not with that group. Another group had formed near the monkey bars. Nope, he’s not with that group either.

My heart started to beat fast as the panic began to rise. Where is he?

I stretched my neck, my face almost against the glass. Then I saw him. At the swing set in the far corner. There was no one else around. No kids. No teachers. He was playing by himself. All alone.

As the giddy laughter of the other children echoed in the background I watched my son.

He was stretched over the swing with his stomach on the seat and arms out in front of him. His feet were pushing off the dirt behind him, making the swing twirl side-to-side. Sometimes he would lift his head and look at the sky. I think he was singing a song.

The sadness hit me with such force. I felt so sorry for him.

I had a million questions swirling in my head.

Did he choose to play alone? Or did the other kids choose not to play with him?

Does he feel left out? Or is he contented to be by himself?

Is this how it is for him all day while I’m at work? Or is it just during outside play?

In order to calm my fears I decided to approach his teachers about it. I asked the general question of how is he doing?

They said he is shy and it takes him a while to warm up to new situations. I told them that he is not shy with people he knows. He talks about playing with his cousin Harrison all the time! They said he doesn’t talk much and I told them that he talks all the time at home. In fact, we have trouble getting him to be quiet. She said that’s not how he is there.

Granted this is a new preschool. He has only been there for a month and a half and he has had a lot of changes in his little life what with a new house, new neighborhood and two daycare switches. He also only attends two days a week whereas most of the other children see each other every day.

I asked the teachers if he ever plays with the other children. She said that he would much rather interact with the adults. But yes, he does play with other children sometimes.

A few weekends ago when we took him to a new event, we had to go into the children’s area three times before he would actually get up on the jungle gym. He refused to get out of the stroller to do anything that day. It frustrated us that he wouldn’t even try. He seems frightened of any new situation and will beg to be carried, bury his head in our shoulders or latch onto my leg as if the alternative is falling off of a cliff. We always explain softly to others, he’s just shy.

When I start to worry that there is something I am doing to cause this behavior, I look to Brigham who is very adaptable to any situation. He never cries when we drop him off at daycare and he can clearly stand up for himself already. The two of them have the same parents but two very different personalities. Therefore, I don’t think it’s anything that we are doing as parents to cause Landon to be extra-sensitive. I think it might just be in his genes.

While I was watching Landon through that window his life passed before my eyes.

I saw him being rejected by the other kids at school. I saw him playing alone every day because the other kids decided he did not fit in. I saw him coming home from school and crying in my arms because no one would play with him. I saw my child’s spirit breaking because he couldn’t understand why no one liked him. I saw him start to believe that there was something wrong with him. I never want him to think that. I want him to know that every little thing about him is exactly who he is supposed to be.

I think this is a big worry for mothers. The fear that our child will be rejected by society. And no matter how hard we try we can’t change it. Maybe it’s much too early for me to be worrying about my child having friends. But even so I am still worried.

Landon finally noticed me as I stood talking to his teachers. His sprint toward me was clumsy and wild like a bird learning to fly. When he reached me I scooped him up and gave him the strongest hug I’ve ever given him. In the car I asked him if he had any friends. He listed off a few names and I felt a little better.

I have always loved how sensitive Landon is. I tell him how proud of him I am and all that he is becoming every single night. I love that I can have amazing conversations with him at 3-years-old. Yesterday during dinner, he looked up at the pink clouds. The skies were washed in pink, a favorite phenomenon of mine.

He oohed and ahhed over how beautiful it looked and without any prompting he said, “Mommy, the sky looks like cotton candy and I’m going to eat it.”

He is so smart and innocently hilarious. I know he wants friends. I know that when he realizes what friendship is about he will be so good to those who want to be his friend. I can see a whole world in his eyes and that world . . . it is so special and unique.

It is a great worry of mine that others won’t want to be a part of it.

.
.
.
.
.

Filed Under: Adventures in Parenting, he's growing up, just write, Landon 14 Comments

four chambers

September 22, 2011 By Molly

I’m done having babies. At least for now I am. I had an IUD placed a couple weeks ago.

Truthfully, I don’t know how I feel about it.

Naaman and I have talked a lot about having a third child. Correction: I have talked a lot about it to him. I am confused at the feeling of wanting another child. No really, it leaves me quite baffled. I never thought I would want one child let alone three! But here I am with two beautiful sons feeling like someone is missing from the room. It is so strange. I want to take it as a sign.

Then Naaman pipes up with all his realist tendencies . . . Daycare for three? Are you crazy? Sleepless nights again? Are you crazy? Minivan? Nope, I refuse. Dollar signs. Dollar signs. Dollar signs. Cha-ching!!! Also sleep. sleep. I NEED SLEEP, woman!

But everywhere I look I see sets of three boys. Down the street live three little boys all a few inches taller than the next. It makes me smile and I’m suddenly longing. For what I don’t know. In the church pews ahead of me, three boys, one a newborn not more than a month old. A family of five. Heaven help me.

It wasn’t our plan to have a second child so soon. I was on birth control pills and still conceived (hence the IUD, people). I wanted to start trying for baby #2 in January of 2011.

But we veered off course and in May 2010 God’s plan showed up. A very cute plan.

I had accepted that Brigham would be my last child. We spent a good amount of money on maternity photos because I wanted to remember my pregnant belly. I truly thought I would feel done. But it was shortly after birth I started feeling this way. Maybe I could get over this. Maybe I just need a little more time to mourn the childbearing stage of my life.

People might say – oh, it’s because you want to try for a girl, right?

On the contrary. In my dreams and hopes and fears (yep, sometimes fears) I see three boys. Again, heaven help me.

It’s just a feeling. Three boys. There are four chambers to my heart. One for Naaman. One for Landon. One for Brigham. But there’s still an empty one. Question is, who or what will fill it? Maybe the fourth chamber is reserved for me.

People might worry that I can’t handle it. But I’m here to tell you that I most certainly can. I dealt with an entire year of no sleep while working full-time (no really, God’s plan wouldn’t sleep). Yes, my brain is now nowhere to be found. But I am repairing it.

I am well aware of all the stress that would come from adding a third child. But oh, the anticipation. The falling in love with your baby before you’ve even met them. And then the birth day. The overtaking amazement of new life in your arms. That love never lets go. It wraps around you like a never-ending hug.

We’re trying to decide what’s best for our family. We’re going to be smart about this. Think things over. Make sure. But I know now is not the time to decide. That’s the point of the IUD. I figure we’ll wait at least a year before we lay it on the table as an option. I have to be well and stay well. My mood must be stable to even think about harboring a life inside this body.

I turn 33 in December. tick tock tick tock tick tock. My poor heart is so restless.

At least we’ve bought some time. It’s actually been a relief. No more over-thinking it for now. Time off from this question of two or three? And maybe when I stop over thinking it the answer will become clear.