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So Much More Than a Show

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We all lined up waiting to walk out on stage. Fourteen of us. All beautiful in our own ways, inside and out. Then we started walking. I held my breath. I wasn’t really nervous. Just excited to finally share my story. One of my favorites I have ever written on this blog.

The Random Placement of People is something I wrote in 2010. Landon was two-years-old and Brigham was five-months-old. It was a challenging time in our lives, which is putting it lightly. Brigham was constantly sick and Landon, well, he was two. You catch my drift, mothers.

But on one particularly awful day, I was gifted perspective by a stranger in the pharmacy. It was so unexpected but exactly what I needed to hear. Sometimes I wonder . . . will that old man ever know what he did for me? Will that old man ever know that I will never forget him – or the story of his wife and children?

I took my seat on stage and waited my turn to speak. As I waited, I listened to my fellow cast-mates. It was amazing. There were 300 people staring back at us but they read their truths with such power. We all have different realities, yet we were all united during those two precious hours.

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We cried together. We laughed together. I watched as audience members pulled tissues out of their purses. We mourned the loss of a husband. We laughed at a story of mom’s night out at the gun range. We felt the pain of hearts broken with a devastating diagnosis. We held hands as a mom explained what postpartum depression is really like. And my story, a story about finding perspective in a seemingly selfish world. All these moments. All these lives. We didn’t know each other when these stories unfolded. But now our stories remain forever entangled in each other. Because there was one common denominator. They all represent overcoming the challenges of motherhood.

When it was my turn and I reached the hard part in my reading, my voice cracked as I held back tears. I don’t know why that moment in the pharmacy still breaks me. I suppose it opens the wound of my deepest fears – that I could lose that which is most precious to me – my children. But that moment in the pharmacy also taught me to hug harder, love harder, celebrate the good.

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I finished my piece and the applause was so loud it echoed the halls afterward. I felt pride. I felt good about myself. I felt as if I had peppered the audience with a bit of sadness and happiness in a big old mixed up world. But the thing is – the Listen to Your Mother show makes the world smaller, if only for a couple hours. These voices are important. This show proves it.

As mothers we have a choice. Even if you’re not in a show you can still tell your stories. You can still share the hard moments with friends and family. It doesn’t make us weak. What may seem like a mundane day could be just what someone else needed to hear. The truth matters to moms. It gives us hope.

Listen to Your Mother was in 24 cities and I was lucky enough to be a part of it. Blessed to meet these fourteen women. Blessed to hear their words and witness their strength.

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When we finished, multiple people stopped me to tell me how my story resonated with them. How it made them nod their heads and say, yeah, me too. How it made them appreciate what they have.

That’s all I wanted. I’m not looking for fame and fortune. I’m just a simple girl with a knack for storytelling. I hope the old man in the pharmacy changes you as much as he did me. I will never forget him. Just like I’ll never forget this show or the women who held back nothing.

 

all photos courtesy of Karen Ledford Photography

No Filter

Sometimes you just need to disappear from the blogging world for awhile. Nothing significant is happening. Just life in general. I was sick with a head cold and it is finally leaving me. It sucks when you’re trying to live life and you can’t breathe out of your nose. I filled myself up with antihistamines just to get through the day.

I’m feeling, I don’t know, restless. I’ve been at my job for seven months now and it must be the seven month itch but I’m just sick of it. There was a round of random lay-offs and it has me scared that this isn’t the most stable place to be. So what now? Back to the job-hunt? I’m bitter. I wish I could just stay home.

I had a bad parenting day last week. Brigham got my cold and was up all night coughing. So I woke up tired and groggy and in a bad mood. Lack of sleep is a recipe for disaster for me. I have no patience for anything when I’ve gotten no sleep. In turn, I yelled at my kids for some stupid shit like the fact that Brigham wouldn’t put on his shoes.

You know, it’s strange. I try to be more aware so that I don’t get upset at my kids. I give myself pep talks. Molly, don’t get upset and yell because it will only make the kids and you feel terrible. Well, I started yelling anyway and while I was doing it my brain was screaming at me to S.T.O.P. because I knew it was wrong. I wish I could have just turned around for a minute and gained composure. But instead I messed up and then I end up feeling guilty about it for weeks afterward.

Brigham started crying. Landon just sat there looking up at me and then one lone tear dropped from his eye. It was the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. They don’t understand why I get upset and I know they are left feeling sad and confused because of their mommy’s behavior.

God, sometimes I really hate myself.

I’ve got two blog posts just setting in the drafts folder. They are a month old. One I just can’t bring myself to post because it makes me sad and the other I’m terrified to post because I’ve never told anyone. It’s an important post though and I so desperately want and need to release this from me. But I’m scared. I tell myself every Sunday that I’m going to post them but the weeks fly by and they are still unpublished.

I’ve really been struggling with anxiety lately. My mom found out that she needs open heart surgery and although I’m positive that everything will work out okay and she will be fine, unfortunately, my brain just isn’t kind to me in these situations. I’ve been having trouble sleeping. I say prayers with Landon every night and each night we pray for Grandma’s heart. If you could spare a prayer for her I would love you forever.

I realize this is kind of a depressing post. But it’s either this or no writing at all. This is just where I am in my life right now. Feeling quite blah about it all. You know how on Instagram you can use filters to make life look prettier than it really is? But when people don’t use one they tag it with #nofilter. Well, that’s what this is today. Blogging with no filter.

 

Listen to your Mother Show

You guys? It has been an amazing couple of weeks for me and my writing. Aside from my freelance writing gigs I also auditioned for the Listen To Your Mother show in Kansas City. And guess what?

I made the cast list!!!

For those who are wondering what this show is all about, this is a description from the website:

LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER features live readings by local writers on the beauty, the beast, and the barely-rested of motherhood, in celebration of Mother’s Day.

Born of the creative work of mothers who publish on-line, each production is directed, produced, and performed by local communities, for local communities.

I am so honored to be a part of this show that has been going on since 2010. This year it is being produced in 24 different cities all over the US. The reason I’m so excited is I get to read a piece of my writing and a live audience will get to HEAR me. It has been years since I’ve been on stage but I’m so excited to get the chance again!

This is the perfect show for Mother’s Day as it happens on Saturday, May 11th at 7:00 p.m. Tickets are already on sale. $12 in advance and $15 at the door. Come one, come all and support the fabulous writers that have been chosen to share their writing.

Buy here!

If you’re in Kansas City or a surrounding area, I would love to have you come to the show so I can meet you afterward!

Like I said, AMAZING couple of weeks in the world of blogging and writing. Thank you to all the producers who are giving writers a voice.

I’m Happy with My Blog

Right now, I’m happy with my blog. I haven’t always been able to say that. I’ve done this for more than six years now. Come here and watched as the little cursor line blinked at me, willing me to write something of value. Something that people would want to read and maybe even share with their friends.

I’ve been down the road of envy and adoration of other people’s blogs. Most the time I was genuinely happy for a blog friend that landed a fantastic writing gig or got picked for a “best of” list. But there were plenty of other times I felt left out, left behind, forgotten.

I’ve watched as my stats went up and down. They definitely dropped over the past year because I didn’t have as much time to devote to this space. I’m also not an expert on SEO and keywords and all that other internet stuff I don’t know much about. But I’m surprised to say that I’m okay with that. Finally, I just don’t care about numbers. Yes, my stats keep me from getting sponsored posts and fabulous giveaways and even, my dream, a book deal. They say you need an active platform to be an author these days. But mine isn’t big enough to warrant a book deal landing in my lap.

I’m okay with that. I’m okay if it takes more work to reach my dream. I write and I build and I try my best to connect with the readers I do have. I’m okay if it takes rejection after rejection. There are best-selling authors that were turned down multiple times. Told they weren’t good enough. But they kept trying, they kept reaching.

For the past year I have been trying to land a freelance writing job. One that paid me to write. I was tired of writing for no money. I felt my talent was worth something. It’s only fair, right? If I spend my precious time working I felt I should be paid for it. Well, after a year of rejection and almost quitting I finally landed two freelance writing gigs in one week! Amazing how God stretches you and tells you to keep going even when you want to give up.

Not only did I get hired to write but I get to write about a topic that is very dear to me – depression and anxiety. I will be writing about these topics on Lifescript, a popular website for women’s health. Talk about the perfect fit! For years I have let you have a peek at my life with depression. The desire to help people has grown within me and now I can help an even wider range of people. They have one million Facebook followers! I feel privileged to be a part of this website.

Anyway, I just wanted to take the time to say thanks. Thank you for supporting my writing and for encouraging me to continue. I love this little space. I love that some of you take the time to read and comment when I know just how valuable your time is. I love writing and this blog gives me the chance to write my heart out whenever I feel like it. It really is my journal. I just share it for anyone to see, which makes me incredibly vulnerable. Something I feel is real and true and what I want to see in other people because it makes us human.

Thank you for coming along for the ride. Sometimes it’s wild. Sometimes it’s boring. But you accept me for who I am. That’s the best writing gig I can think of. Even if it’s for free.

The Influence Network

I think it was this past fall that I was looking at Instagram and seeing all these awesome photos of women at a conference called Influence. They all looked like they were having so much fun so I was, of course, intrigued. A quick google search revealed a wonderful concept for a conference. Bloggers and business owners were coming together to make their online life mean something. To spread the word about how Jesus was working in them and through them.

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I wanted to know more so I read all about the conference. I also heard that there would be something called The Influence Network and I instantly knew I wanted to join.

I have been blogging for more than six years and throughout those years I have learned so much about the online community. But now that I have been on this new journey of faith – I want to be inspired by like-minded women. So when The Influence Network launched in the new year I quickly became a member.

To be honest I haven’t really delved into what this group can offer me. It’s a lack of time that has me failing to participate like I should. There is a great forum for support and classes offered by wonderful, experienced bloggers.

There is also the conference. Most people who read my blog know how much trouble I had at my first and only blogging conference. Because of this I have been VERY hesitant to go to another one. But this September the second Influence conference will be held. It is a smaller conference and the focus is on faith and how that affects your online life. It sounds right up my alley. No judgment. No cliques. No brands. Just new friends to make and amazing speakers and support. I really truly hope I can make it.

I want to make a difference on my blog and I believe I do in small ways. But nothing I do is small in the eyes of the Lord. It is all big to Him.

So today I am linking up with other members of The Influence Network! If you’re here for the first time, welcome! If you comment and let me know you’ve visited I will certainly try to visit your blog in return!

Three things about me:

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1. I love traveling. I have been many places. Mexico, Greek Isles, Tahiti and Bora Bora, Paris, London, Amsterdam, Dublin as well as traveling all over the states. I have more traveling planned but my two kiddos make it a little tough right now. My husband and I have promised each other that we will go to Italy for our 10 year anniversary. Only three years to go! :)

2. I have a degree in journalism and have been working on my first novel for what seems like forever. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever complete it and send it off to try to find a literary agent. I don’t want my time writing to be wasted. It has always been my biggest dream to publish a novel.

3. I am passionate about international, special needs adoption even though I can’t, myself, adopt. My medical history won’t allow for that. But I will always try my best to shine a light on this crisis.

How We Paid Off $20,500 in Debt

Happy Friday, friends!

I am so excited to announce that my story of how we’re becoming debt-free is on The Debt Movement blog today! I never really saw myself writing about personal finance. But after our eighteen month journey I realize I have some great advice to give.

Please jump over and read about how we paid off $20,500 in credit card debt so far! We’re so close to having no credit card debt!

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Yummy Pinwheels: Hey, That’s Pin-tastic!

I pin a lot of things but rarely do them. I’m hoping to change that. Especially in the kitchen! It may come as a shock to some but I have never really made an appetizer to take to a party before. But I found this recipe on Pinterest and it looked delicious so I went ahead and tried it even though I’m usually a little spazzy in the kitchen.

Verdict? Super easy to make. A little messy but oh so creamy and yummy.

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A party favorite, I think. I’m so glad I tried these and now I’m linking up with Hey, That’s Pin-tastic for the first time! Hopefully I can keep up with trying new recipes.

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New Year Blog Swap – Welcome Erin!

I’d like to welcome Erin to my blog today for a New Year Blog Swap! That’s right – we’re swapping blogs today so you can find me over at her place! I’m talking about one important goal I have this year. I hope you enjoy Erin’s post below.

I was so excited to see that Steph from http://agrandelife.net decided to host a New Years Blog Swap. What a great idea to write a post for someone else’s blog and have someone write for mine. I know some of my readers get tired of hearing my stories, so this is a wonderful way to hear someone else’s point of view.  I was glad to be partnered up with Molly from A Day in Mollywood. I had not discovered her blog yet and since we have been partnered up, I have found a new mommy blogger that I adore! I hope you, all of her readers, enjoy my post!

I chose to write about whether or not I make New Years Resolutions. Why or Why Not?

When I think of New Years I think of celebrations with friends and family. I think of champagne and I most certainly think of Prince. I mean what’s a New Year’s celebration without everyone singing along to Prince, “So tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1999“. Okay maybe I am dating myself here a bit. I remember growing up thinking I would never make it to 1999. It seemed so far away and man I would be so old when it was finally 1999.  Well it’s been over a decade since we hit the millennium and I’m still kicking (thank goodness) and I am old (but not that old) and my views on New Year’s resolutions have not changed. I don’t believe in them. Never have, never will.

Now I am not saying that I don’t believe in making changes to better yourself as a person and if some people need the 1st day of a new calendar year than so be it. But I don’t believe that when the clock strikes midnight at the end of each year everyone’s brains shift in a new direction. They may start off with the right goals and the right idea but at some point during the first week or month, a lot of people just give up and feel like they have failed. Not that there’s anything wrong with failing, I fail every single day of my life. But you can’t put yourself in a position to all of the sudden change and set yourself up for failure. You can’t change your entire life around the moment the ball drops in Times Square at midnight. Hey I am not saying that it doesn’t work – just not for me. Some people find use this day to start fresh and it works for them – just not me.

Shoot, I have wanted to lose weight for years. I have come up with a million excuses and reasons on why I can’t diet or lose weight. Then one day it just clicked in my head and I started to make some changes (small ones like joining the gym and starting Weight Watchers) but it was (and still is) a slow process.  For some people that may happen on January 1st but for 99% of the world it will happen on a different day that you will have no control over. It may take some event in your life for you to realize you need to make the change but for me it’s usually not January 1st.

That being said, I still like to set goals for myself for the new year. Nothing drastic, just little things that I hope will improve my life and those that are surrounding me each and every day. I don’t call them resolutions, I call them goals.Here’s a few things that I have come up with for this year.

1. Try to have more sit down family dinners. I know that this won’t always include my husband because of his work, but the kids and I can do a better job at eating our meals together.

2. More time at the gym. I have been working hard (excluding these last three weeks) and I would still love to run my first 5k in 2013.

3. Find a babysitter so I can spend some more time with my husband. We are like ships passing in the night. He works long hours and has a long commute so we never ever have time to go out without the kids. We have a lot of different interests so when we do go out its usually with our friends. We just need more “us time”.

4. Appreciate the small things in life. I am a worrier. I can’t help it. If my husband is 5 minutes late I think that he’s been murdered at the train station. If I have a headache, I assume its a tumor. It’s just the way I am. So by stressing myself out so much I miss the small things in life. I am going to try and let go of that stuff and focus on the positive.

5.  Expand my blog. I need to find new ways to grow. I’ve done pretty well getting myself out there over the last 5 months, but I know I can do more. It’s just a struggle between the gym, grocery shopping and keeping up with the kids and house. I won’t neglect the boys to get a post out. I will stick to writing them at night or when they are in school or napping. I just need to refresh my mind and focus on any new opportunities that may come my way. I have found so many new friends because of Erin the Irish Mama and I am looking forward to seeing what happens to the blog in 2013.

So there you have it. My goals – not my resolutions. These are not vices that I’m giving up nor are they major life changing things. These are 5 small steps that I want to try and achieve this year. And if I only get to 2 of the 5, I won’t consider myself a failure. I will still consider myself lucky to have everything in my life and the opportunity to improve upon myself.

Happy 2013 to you all.  Thanks for letting me crash Molly’s blog!

XOXO

Erin

Feel free to stalk me, I am everywhere!

 

What daily tasks take up my energy?

Continuing on with NaBloPoMo . . .

NaBloPoMo January 2013

Today’s prompt is – What daily tasks take up the most of your energy?

I don’t feel as if I’m a very energetic person to begin with, which is unfortunate because I really need a lot of energy to keep up with two rowdy boys! But on the days when the boys are in daycare it takes up more of my energy. From the time I wake up I’m in a rush to get them off to preschool, get to work on time and then get on the road to pick them up. Then I have to get home and quickly get dinner on the table. It’s more stressful than a day when Naaman isn’t working. And stress can really drain you of your energy. I’m always worried – will I get to daycare on time to pick them up so they’re not the last ones there? I have a 30-45 minute commute, which just sucks. Traffic jams and mean drivers definitely drain me of my energy too. So I’d say daycare days are when I plop down in bed at the end of the day completely exhausted.

 

January 2013 Blog Challenge

You may have heard of this before. NaBloPoMo is where you post something every day for a month. The theme for January is energy and I thought, why not? In October I participated in a blog challenge and it worked out well for me to write every day. So I’m doing it again. It helps keep the blog momentum going. They will provide writing prompts and I’ll provide you with my thoughts. I hope you enjoy this little look-see into my brain!

NaBloPoMo January 2013

Today’s prompt is – From where do you draw your energy?

Ummmm, is it okay if I say caffeine and sugar? On a more serious note – I’m not entirely sure where my energy comes from. My exercise challenge last October did amazing things for my energy level. But I’m ashamed to say that I haven’t exercised since. Yep, that’s right. Nothing. I’m not sure why I stopped because it made me feel great to release those endorphins. I’ve gotten off track, that’s for sure. I’d like to hop back on the saddle but I’m afraid it might be a bit too “trendy” to start exercising in January. Does that sound like a valid excuse? No? Well, the treadmill might be calling my name. I’m so exhausted all the time. How I get the energy to make it through every day is beyond me.

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