Sometimes you just need to disappear from the blogging world for awhile. Nothing significant is happening. Just life in general. I was sick with a head cold and it is finally leaving me. It sucks when you’re trying to live life and you can’t breathe out of your nose. I filled myself up with antihistamines just to get through the day.
I’m feeling, I don’t know, restless. I’ve been at my job for seven months now and it must be the seven month itch but I’m just sick of it. There was a round of random lay-offs and it has me scared that this isn’t the most stable place to be. So what now? Back to the job-hunt? I’m bitter. I wish I could just stay home.
I had a bad parenting day last week. Brigham got my cold and was up all night coughing. So I woke up tired and groggy and in a bad mood. Lack of sleep is a recipe for disaster for me. I have no patience for anything when I’ve gotten no sleep. In turn, I yelled at my kids for some stupid shit like the fact that Brigham wouldn’t put on his shoes.
You know, it’s strange. I try to be more aware so that I don’t get upset at my kids. I give myself pep talks. Molly, don’t get upset and yell because it will only make the kids and you feel terrible. Well, I started yelling anyway and while I was doing it my brain was screaming at me to S.T.O.P. because I knew it was wrong. I wish I could have just turned around for a minute and gained composure. But instead I messed up and then I end up feeling guilty about it for weeks afterward.
Brigham started crying. Landon just sat there looking up at me and then one lone tear dropped from his eye. It was the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. They don’t understand why I get upset and I know they are left feeling sad and confused because of their mommy’s behavior.
God, sometimes I really hate myself.
I’ve got two blog posts just setting in the drafts folder. They are a month old. One I just can’t bring myself to post because it makes me sad and the other I’m terrified to post because I’ve never told anyone. It’s an important post though and I so desperately want and need to release this from me. But I’m scared. I tell myself every Sunday that I’m going to post them but the weeks fly by and they are still unpublished.
I’ve really been struggling with anxiety lately. My mom found out that she needs open heart surgery and although I’m positive that everything will work out okay and she will be fine, unfortunately, my brain just isn’t kind to me in these situations. I’ve been having trouble sleeping. I say prayers with Landon every night and each night we pray for Grandma’s heart. If you could spare a prayer for her I would love you forever.
I realize this is kind of a depressing post. But it’s either this or no writing at all. This is just where I am in my life right now. Feeling quite blah about it all. You know how on Instagram you can use filters to make life look prettier than it really is? But when people don’t use one they tag it with #nofilter. Well, that’s what this is today. Blogging with no filter.