Post-Partum | A Day in Mollywood

my lovely lady lumps

May 12, 2011 By Molly

Let’s talk boobs, shall we?

Specifically my right boob. You know, the one that grew two MRSA-filled abscesses right after I gave birth to Brigham.

I was reminded of this only because yesterday I had to make a visit to my lady parts doctor. I think that’s their official title, no? And each time I get my annual exam they also do a breast check. Not the fun kind. The important kind.

Whilst doing the check she (and I) was reminded of that awful problem I had last year because the scars are very obvious. Back in June 2010 I asked how this could have happened as it seemed I had the worst luck EVER with trying to breastfeed my sons. I was told by the surgeon that I have very cystic breast tissue. The abscesses most likely started as cysts that were already formed in my breast. When I began to breastfeed Brigham, I had the usual sore/cracked nipples and they said the staph infection got in through the open spots. The infection found the cysts, made a home and became a major pain in the ~~ass~~ breast.

I am not lying when I tell you that recovering from having those abscesses drained was worse than recovering from giving birth to a 7 lb, 3 oz baby. Way worse.

But I digress. My doctor finished the breast exam and recommended I look into getting an early mammogram. I told her my insurance wouldn’t cover it unless I was 35-years-old AND have a family history of breast cancer. I thought I still had 2.5 years to wait. But then she told me that if she recommends one, insurance won’t make me pay.

So I said – well are you recommending I get one?

Her answer? What do you think?

My answer? But I’m skeeeeered.

I think every woman cringes when they hear the word mammogram. And I’m not trying to make light of a very serious topic. My maternal grandmother died from breast cancer at a very young age. And my mom has had a couple cancer scares since then. I know it’s nothing to mess around about. I know I have higher risk factors. But I’m only 32. It can’t happen to me, right?

WRONG. I know I’m wrong. I’m also not stupid. Early detection is leading the way to higher breast cancer survival rates!

I will need to call to get myself an appointment to have my breasts smushed between pieces of cold hard plastic. But if it can potentially save my life then bring on the smushing!!!

does she look scared to you?

photo via

p.s. don’t worry, mom. It’s just to be on the safe side =)

Filed Under: Breast Cancer, Breastfeeding, Brigham, Post-Partum, Stuff I Don't Love 13 Comments

I am a part of the Mother’s Day Rally

May 8, 2011 By Molly

I am so honored to have been asked to be a part of the Mother’s Day Rally for Mom’s Mental Health on Postpartum Progress. This is the third year this has taken place. Today, on mother’s day, a letter to new moms will be posted each hour for 24 hours.

I was asked to write a letter to a new mom about my experience with depression during pregnancy. This whole blogging gig is exciting to me for many reasons. But first and foremost on the list is the opportunity to help someone else. Another mother who might be depressed. Another mother who feels alone.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I wrote this letter almost a year to the day of Brigham’s birth. When I read it all those memories come flooding back. The bad and the good. I’m just so glad that on this mother’s day I can stand here and write that I love my life. I love my boys. I am happy. If you are suffering from antenatal or postpartum depression – please know, you are not alone.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Dear new mom:

I remember seeing the blue plus sign on the pregnancy test. It was positive. I waited for the happiness. It didn’t come. Instead of happy tears I had a panic attack right there in the bathroom. The sting from the guilt that I felt in that moment has never really gone away.

My first son had just turned one. I had just quit my job two days before. I was on birth control! We wanted another child but the timing. Oh, the timing. Why couldn’t it have happened later when things were more settled? When we were ready? When we could celebrate it and not be riddled with worry about our finances and future?

Head on over to read the rest of my letter and other letters here.

Filed Under: Blogging, Depression, Post-Partum, Pregnancy #2 1 Comment

Let’s get to the bottom of this.

January 4, 2011 By Molly

I remember thinking it to myself. I think every mama-to-be must think these same ridiculous thoughts before their first baby arrives.

I will not let myself go. I will not forget about me. I will not move myself to the bottom of the list.

Well, shucks. Pop out a couple babies and that’s currently where I sit. The bottom of the list. It’s not a pretty place to be. Staring up at all the people who get oodles of my attention. It’s understandable. However, I have no one else to be mad at but myself. I know exactly how I got here.

Flashback to two weeks postpartum with Brigham when I noticed two HUGE lumps in my right breast. I will tell you that I knew those lumps were bad news. Everyone around me, including my R.N. husband, told me to go to the doctor. I knew it was more than mastitis or a clogged duct. They were protruding like huge tumors. But what did I do? I waited two weeks and then ended up in the emergency room getting my breast sliced open and having abscesses drained. It was not fun, people.

Flashback to last August when I started coughing. The boys were both coughing and had runny noses too. Of course, I took them straight to the doctor. But me? Oh no, my health was somehow less important. I didn’t need a trip to the doctor. I was fine.

Only I wasn’t. I actually had double pneumonia. It also was not fun. It also was not NECESSARY. Had I gone to the doctor, oh a month earlier, I’m sure it would never have gotten that bad. It is clear that with the stress of a new baby (who is sick a lot of the time) and the stress of a new job, I started completely ignoring my health. Because my babies are more important than me, right? RIGHT? I can’t take care of myself before their needs have been met. Because wouldn’t that make me a sucky mom?

I’ll answer my own question. No. Actually what it did was make me a sick and exhausted mom. A lot of good that did all of us. And it nearly caused me to have a nervous breakdown in late September.

Here’s another way I know I haven’t been taking care of myself. It’s also the part of the story where you get to hate me a little bit.

I wear a size 2. And they’re always falling off.

I know. I KNOW. But before you yell profanity at your computer screen, can I just tell you that I am a size 2 because I haven’t been taking the time to eat. I’m not that size for a good reason.

Most mornings I’m in such a rush that I don’t eat breakfast. I might throw a granola bar in my purse to save for “later.” But then later becomes lunch time. And I’m too busy to stop what I’m doing. I can feel my stomach rumbling. But I do.not.stop. This started when Brigham was born. I always made sure he was fed before I was fed. I was hungry no matter what I ate due to nursing but I know I didn’t eat enough. I wasn’t trying to lose weight. But when you burn more calories than you take in, which is easy to do while breastfeeding, well, it just happened. I was busy with everyone and everything else.

My poor body. I haven’t treated it very well the past couple of years. But all that changes in 2011.

I plan on doing many things that I have been putting off. I’ve already started checking a few things off the list.

#1. Go to the podiatrist to find out why the eff my foot has hurt for 1.5 years (CHECK)

#2. Join the YMCA so the hubs and I can work out and take classes (CHECK)

#3. Start physical therapy (again) for chronic neck pain

#4. See a chiropractor for chronic neck pain

#5. Take a vacation for our 5th anniversary (this is directly related to lowering my stress level so whatever)

#6. Continue therapy & talk to my therapist about the food issues (maybe there is one?)

#7. My tooth hurts when I chew. I need to call a dentist or something (do I have to?)

#8. LOOK AT MY CUTE NEW YEARS BABY!!!

#9. Hey wait, I don’t know how that got in there. But yes, please do look at him.

#10. Stop ignoring yourself, Molly. You’re kind of important too, ya know.

There you have it. A nice little checklist. And yes, I know I added a baby in there. I can’t help it.

I’m tired of the view from down here at the bottom. I can’t say I’ll ever be #1 on the list. But I know I should not be at the bottom.

Because, duh.

Filed Under: Breastfeeding, Damaged Goods, Depression, Post-Partum, Sickies, Stuff I Don't Love 10 Comments

Enough

November 4, 2010 By Molly

Even though Landon was born just two short years ago it is already difficult to recall the beginning. Our beautiful beginning as a family. I remember being so tired I couldn’t put sentences together. Words I used to use all the time floated into new mom oblivion. I think some of my vocabulary is lost forever.

At two weeks postpartum I remember sobbing and belly flopping onto the bed. The crush of my body weight against the soft sheets. Trying to explain to my best friend on the phone that I just want to breastfeed my son. Why won’t he latch?

I remember three months of freedom from the working world. Waking up every morning with flickers of sunlight dancing upon our bedroom wall. Trying hard not to move as Landon snuggled his sweaty head into the crevice of my armpit. He was so close to me it mimicked my pregnancy. I realized at that moment that pregnancy is so special because never again will your baby be that close to you.

Late in the morning I’d attempt to take a shower. I brought the bouncer into the bathroom with me because, oh my God, what if he cries and I’m in the shower and don’t hear him? I got soap in my eyes so many times because while quickly shampooing my I-haven’t-showered-in-two-days hair I would have to open the shower curtain and look at him just to make sure he was still there. What did I think would happen? Only a first-time mom of a newborn would know.

I stared at him constantly while he slept on my lap. I didn’t watch mindless television. He became the only entertainment I needed. My child. My son. I was able to take my time and really get to know him.

I turn the pages of this time in my head. Now I laugh at how worried I was about everything. How insanely perfect I wanted it to be. Perfect it was not. But I’ll admit it was easier to care for one child.

Lately I have felt like a stick of taffy being pulled apart. Landon wants me to come into the bedroom at night to tuck him in. He shouts, “Mama, come here!” But I’m holding Brigham. My baby needs fed. The times don’t always coincide correctly and I’m busy with both boys. And so the pull begins.

Everything feels rushed. All I want is to sit on the sofa with Brigham and watch him drink his bottle. Watch his little eyelids open and shut, open and shut, open and shut, until only a sliver of his chocolate brown eyes are left to see while he slumbers. But I can’t.

Landon needs me to tuck him in. “Mama, read ABC book?” he says with those big wanting eyes. I can’t say no. I go get the book off the shelf even though I know he’s stalling. I quickly thumb through the book. There’s no time to lollygag. No time for questions and answers. I’ve got to get back to Brigham who is already screaming in discomfort.

“Mama, twinkle stars book?” He whines. “No, Landon. It’s night night time.” I give him his elmos (yes, he always has to sleep with two elmos).

“MAMA, TWINKLE STARS BOOK, PWEASE?” Ahhhh, the “pwease” thing kills me. But I manage to tell him no and shut the door behind me. He is asleep within a minute. But I still feel intense guilt because he wanted me. He needed his mama. But I closed the door on him. I can’t be two places at once.

I’m finally giving Brigham his last bottle before he goes down for the night. I watch him as his little mind drifts off. His lips continue to suck in his sleep. A phenomenon I never thought I’d love so much. I start to wonder how having two children so close together will affect their development.

Although we have beautiful moments together it is also difficult to manage two at the same time. A boulder made of guilt sets on my back, a paperweight holding me down. Brigham doesn’t get half as much one-on-one time with me as Landon did. It’s not possible. Look at all those wonderful moments we had with just Landon. Only Landon. We had nearly two years to give him all of our attention. I find myself thinking, “poor Brigham.” Even though I know we’re doing the best we can. His face sparkles with glee when he sees me. Proof that he does know and love his mama.

But as Brigham grows up will he know I love him just as much as I love Landon? That my heart leaks love for both of them. I know he won’t be able to recall his first year of life. But what happens in the first year has a profound effect on development. Brigham has been here for six months and I am trying to remember. What have I taught him? What have I showed him? Has it been enough?

The pregnancy was different with Brigham. There was no time to stand at the mirror adoring my large belly and watching an elbow or foot stretch at my sides. No, it was toddler time. It is always toddler time (moms of toddlers you understand what I’m saying). Brigham’s first year feels different too. It’s been amazing to see my two boys together. But it’s also been the biggest challenge of my life. I think it will continue to be. I’m frustrated with the lack of one-on-one time I’m spending with my children. I want both of them to know how special they are in their own way.

I want Landon to know that when he asks me for hugs and kisses my insides instantly turn to mush. I want him to know that I think all the time how lucky I am that God picked me to be his mama.

I want Brigham to know that his giggle very nearly makes me cry it’s so darn cute. I want him to know that he has taught me more about trust and patience than anyone else in this world.

I want my boys to know that no matter who they turn out to be I will always love them.

A mother’s love should never come with conditions. I’m determined that my love won’t require anything of them. They can just be who they were born to be. I won’t ask questions.

I hope as the days, months and years pass I will have more time to spend with both of them. But I still worry. I worry that what I’m giving them will never be enough.

Filed Under: Adventures in Parenting, Brigham, Depression, Double Trouble, Landon, Mommy Moments, Post-Partum 3 Comments

Answers to Questions: Part 1

August 31, 2010 By Molly

Have you had to buy a lot of “new” baby items since having Brigham? Any “must-haves” that I should look into getting that you didn’t already have with Landon?

My answer will probably be different from most second-timers because of the specific situation we were in while I was pregnant with Brigham. We did not buy a lot of “new” baby items for Brigham. This is mainly for three reasons: #1. I quit my job shortly before finding out I was pregnant so money was tight #2. We had much of what we needed already because we saved practically everything from Landon’s infancy and #3. We only have two bedrooms so Brigham didn’t get his own room. It wasn’t as much fun not being able to buy a bunch of new baby stuff and decorate a nursery. But now I see that we have saved hundreds if not thousands of dollars reusing Landon’s baby items. That makes me feel good! We truly had most of what we needed after having one baby boy.

Must have items we saved and used with both boys . . .

Mini Arm’s Reach Cosleeper: We used this for Landon and we are currently still using it for Brigham. I love having my baby right next to me when they are so small. It gives me peace of mind to look over at them whenever I want without getting out of bed! I love the clean lines and small size, which fits perfectly in our tiny bedroom. It also has storage underneath for extra blankets and diapers. And storage is a must-have considering we only have two closets that are already full!

The Boppy: I really don’t know how we’d get along without it. We used it for feedings with Landon and now I use it to prop Brigham up when I nurse. It’s the perfect pillow for feeding assistance. I just bought a couple new covers and voila! Good as new.

Baby K’tan Carrier: I bought this baby carrier shortly after Landon was born. I was at the hospital for an appointment with the lactation consultant who had told me that a wrap might help with my post-partum carpal tunnel syndrome. It was extremely painful to pick Landon up and hold him so I went to check them out. At the time, I knew nothing about babywearing and had never researched carriers/wraps. The hospital store had two choices and Baby K’tan was one of them. I got it home and ended up using it every day until Landon outgrew it. I don’t know why I didn’t go buy a new one because I loved wearing Landon. I pulled it out for Brigham too and it was an even bigger help this time! When Brigham wouldn’t stop crying in the beginning all I had to do was put him in the wrap and he would fall asleep. I even nursed him in it! Plus, I had my hands free for Landon. I have been meaning to research new carriers because Brigham has outgrown the K’tan already.

The one must have item we bought new . . .

Baby Jogger City Mini Double Stroller: Just as I suspected this stroller is amazing! We finally bought one and it is nothing short of a miracle. Landon is still young enough to sit in a stroller and Brigham is old enough that we didn’t need to buy the car seat adapter. So we bit the bullet and invested the money. I found out that USA Baby price-matches all items. They will even match internet prices and sales! So I found the cheapest price online, printed off the page and took it to the store. Instead of spending $399 we spent $320. And we didn’t have to pay for shipping since we bought it in-store! I hope to sell it when we’re done using it. It is so light while pushing both boys and makes it much easier to do things like take a walk or go to the zoo!

What is your favorite time of the day?

Let’s get this out in the open, shall we? I don’t like mornings. Not one bit. It takes me a long time to get around and feel awake after the sun comes up. I’m like that guy on the McDonald’s commercial who won’t talk to people until he’s had his coffee. For real. I don’t like it when my chipper coworkers want to have a 15-minute-long conversation about the swimming tournament their daughter participated in and OH, you should have seen her backstroke! The whole time I’m thinking . . . “Please, stop talking or my head might explode.”

My favorite time of the day has always been nighttime. I’m a night owl. I love staying up late. I get my best ideas and inspiration when the sun goes down. But mostly it’s just quiet and the hussle and bustle of the day is over. I’m more relaxed. I’m at home in my pajama pants and I can do what I please. Frosted mini wheats at midnight? Yes, please.

Of course, having babies put the kabosh on the night owl routine. I quickly realized that if I stay up late I lose the precious hours of sleep needed to be able to function the next day. Because kids? They tend to wake up early. So if I fiddle around playing snood until 1 a.m. and Landon decides that I want a 5:30 a.m. wake-up call? Let’s just say it’s not a pretty sight. So I try to get to bed by 11 p.m.

What do you do to wind down at the end of the day? Or do you even have some alone time?

Alone time? What’s that? All jokes aside, I don’t really get any alone time right now. But I have a 2-year-old, a 4-month-old and a full-time job. That’s to be expected, right? Being at work doesn’t count because I am constantly surrounded by people and I’m working so I don’t have that respite there either.

Being a parent to a newborn the second time around has been very different. Different in the sense that I have perspective that things will get better as Brigham gets older. I remember when we finally started putting Landon down for the night around 7:30 or 8:00 p.m. I honestly didn’t know what to do with myself! I had three or sometimes four hours to do what I wanted before my bedtime. It was strange but also a welcome break. Suddenly, I wasn’t just mom. I was Molly! Most of what I did was cuddle Roxie the pug who lost her place on my lap when Landon was born, read magazines {a guilty pleasure of mine}, catch up on television shows and write posts for my blog and/or read blogs I love {my faves to come later}.

Right now, I don’t get those extra hours anymore. Landon still goes to bed between 7:30 to 8:00 p.m. but Brigham doesn’t finish nursing until 9:00 to 9:30 p.m. and by the time I put him down I am exhausted. Both physically and mentally. On the rare occasion my eyelids aren’t involuntarily shutting . . . Naaman and I will pop popcorn and watch an episode of Dexter, our new favorite show on Netflix {a must watch if you ask me}.

And just so you know I am okay with our schedule right now. It’s my new reality and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. But I will be happy when Brigham goes to bed at the same time as Landon. I already have a growing list of books I would like to read {since we shut off cable}!

Are you a natural blonde?

Yep, I sure am. I began getting highlights and dyeing my hair during my first year of college because with each year my hair color seemed to grow in darker. Last year I decided to become a brunette. It’s something I always wanted to try. No offense to all you dark-haired ladies out there but it just didn’t work on my hair. That dark color lasted all of three days and then became a mousy light brown. I hated it. I have spent an entire year trying to get back to my original color. I have gone to three different salons, spent a total of 6 hours and more than $300 to find a color I like to no avail. Recently I decided to take a leap of faith and do an at-home hair color treatment. I figured if I screwed it up I was only out $8 and I could just go to a salon to try to get it fixed. But thanks to Sarah Jessica Parker and my new friend Garnier Nutrisse I am finally back to a color that I love. And I don’t have to spend an hour and over $100 bucks for it

More answers on the way! All good questions so keep ‘em comin!

Filed Under: Brigham, Double Trouble, Finances, Landon, Mommy Moments, Post-Partum, Questions for Molly Leave a Comment

Tug of War

June 18, 2010 By Molly

There’s a war going on. And no, I’m not talking about the middle east. I’m talking about the war inside me. The war between my head and my heart.

You see, my dear readers, after 10 months of unemployment I was finally offered a job. A job that I had prayed for and I job that I happily accepted. I’m happy the search is over and honestly, I couldn’t believe it was that easy. I was gearing up for the fight to find a job this summer!

When I quit my stressful job in August of 2009 . . . I never imagined that I would be staring at a positive pregnancy test just two days later. It was an utter shock as we were not trying to conceive and I was on birth control.

Even though I had been very unhappy with my job and dealing with a mysterious physical ailment since June, quitting my job was still unexpected. I had planned to stick it out all along. That is until my boss gave me a guilt trip when I told her I needed to pick up my sick son from daycare. That was the last straw. My son comes before ANY job. End of story.

Obviously, we were not prepared to go from two incomes to one. Needless to say, Naaman and I were quite worried and stressed. But since I was only 6 weeks pregnant I decided to start applying to jobs. I got interviews but no job offers. Not surprising in this terrible recession. In January, I accepted a temporary position at one of my previous employers. And since I was starting to show I stopped applying to jobs and told myself I would start sending resumes out again in May after the baby was born.

At the end of April, I decided to open up my trusty iphone job app {seriously, job hunting has never been so easy} and up popped a job that I thought sounded promising. I looked over the qualifications, the benefits, visited the company’s website to get a better grasp on what they did. It all looked good . . . except for one thing . . . I still hadn’t had the baby yet! What if they call me and I’m still pregnant? What if they offer me the job and want me to begin right away? I know, I know, I was thinking way too far ahead. I sent the job to my email so I could look at it again later.

That night I read the description again and went back and forth about applying before I gave birth but went ahead and sent my resume anyway. That was April 28th.

Fast forward to the day we came home from the hospital with our brand spankin’ new baby and I hear my phone ring. It’s the human resources director and they want to interview me. The kicker? I will be twelve days post-partum the day of the interview! I reluctantly agree and don’t think about it again until the day before the interview.

Then I realize, holy crap, I don’t even know if any of my suits will fit? And my hair! What do I do with my hair? And, oh shit, WAIT! Who will watch the boys while I am at the interview? And what if Brigham needs to nurse while I am gone? PANIC SET IN!

Obviously it all ended up working out fabulously with the exception of the button on my pants popping off and feeling like I couldn’t speak in coherent sentences at the interview. I guess two hours of sleep will do that to ya.

I was very honest and told them I had just had a baby twelve days ago and I couldn’t start right away. Both of their jaws hit the floor and they said there is NO way I could look as good as I do after just having a baby {wow, I like these ladies already!}. Then they said that they would work it out if I was the right candidate. I left feeling like they weren’t going to offer me the job because of the disclosure.

Three days later they offered me the job. They also told me that I could start my first full week at the end of June. I quickly calculated how old Brigham would be . . . 8-weeks-old. Not the perfect scenario. But much better than starting right away! I talked to the human resources director about how I am still nursing and will need to pump. She was so supportive because as it turns out SHE is also a nursing mother of a 10-month-old! YAY for coworkers who understand and can relate to motherhood {this was sorely lacking at my previous job}.

And this is where the previously mentioned war comes in. I am both excited and conflicted at beginning this new job. I feel so lucky that I have landed a job that met all my requirements . . . great salary and benefits, for-profit company {instead of non-profit}, absolutely no fund-raising as a job duty and no nights and/or weekends! My head is saying, this is the best thing that could have happened to you and your family, Molly! Celebrate your accomplishment!

Now if only someone could tell that to my heart. My heart hurts. It hurts with the thought of leaving both of my sons. For ten months I have been able to be a stay-at-home mama to my wonderful little man, Landon. I’ve relished every second of it. But I’ve only been able to spend eight short weeks with my gorgeous new baby boy, Brigham. I am thankful that the job provided me with an additional month of leave. But call me selfish. I want more. I want another month, another two months, another year, pretty please? And then again I don’t.

Hence the aptly named post title, Tug of War. That’s the best way to describe it. My head says this is the right thing. My heart says it isn’t. My head tells me that I want to work. My heart says I don’t want to do anything accept be with my boys. Have crazy talks with Landon in his special toddler language. Hear him say mama for the umpteenth time. Feel the back of his sweaty head after he wakes up from his morning nap. Nurse Brigham all day long and hear him belch as loud as an adult {it makes me laugh}. Change his diapers and sing to him. I want to be there . . . for all of it. The good and the bad. I don’t want to feel like I’m missing out.

I have been down this road before. I had to go back to work after 12 sweet weeks of maternity leave with Landon. Going back to work was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. But it did get better {before it got worse at my last new job}. I need to realize that this new job won’t be perfect either. Some days I will wake up and want to stay in my jammies and cuddle up with my boys. Some days I will be excited to get to work and chat with coworkers and finish new projects. Working keeps me productive. It keeps me accountable. It’s just something I feel I need right now. And oh yeah, the paycheck is not too bad either.

Naaman and I have goals we want to reach. We want to travel with our boys. Show them the world and how amazing it is. We want a more comfortable house for our family to grow. A house that actually fits the four of us and our stuff! We want to help our boys pay for college. We want to retire comfortably someday. These goals will only happen with two incomes.

And let me tell you after ten months of saying no to extras I am super excited to get our lives back on track! To pick up where we left off this time last year. Of course, it helps that we know how to live on one income now. We know how to save and we learned the difference between desire and necessity. A lesson that many people are learning in the current economy! I know we’re not alone!

So the tug of war between my head and my heart continues. And I’m sure, as long as I’m a working mom, it always will. I love my boys more than a blog post could ever describe. I love them . . . and I’ll always make sure they feel that love no matter where I am.

Filed Under: Brigham, Landon, Post-Partum, Pregnancy, Work 4 Comments

Apparently, the Breastfeeding Gods Hate Me

June 17, 2010 By Molly

After 4 weeks of taking antibiotics to get rid of the staph infection in my breast . . . I now have thrush! Lovely. Just lovely.

Because I was in so much pain from the incisions where they drained the abscesses I really wasn’t paying attention to any other pain. But after those pains subsided I noticed a burning, stinging sensation below both of my breasts after nursing. One night it was so bad that it brought tears to my eyes. I finally got on a breastfeeding support forum and did a search for the word “burning” and yep, up popped the symptoms of thrush. Yuck.

The antibiotics took away all the good bacteria as well as the bad causing a yeast infection in both of my breasts AND in Brigham’s mouth. Apparently we just pass it back and forth between one another.

After a visit to the pediatrician’s office they confirmed that Brigham does have thrush. I rushed over to my OB’s office where they confirmed that the yeast infection had already moved into my milk ducts where it’s more difficult to get rid of.

So here I go with another round of antibiotics for two weeks and I also have to give Brigham liquid in his mouth four times a day. Can I just tell you how much he loves that? Yeah, um, not so much!

The only good thing that came out of this is that we got to weigh Brigham at his appointment. I was prepared to hear that he hadn’t gained much weight due to all of our complications. I almost fell on the floor when they told me he is 9 lbs, 5 oz!!! He was 6 lbs 14 oz when we were discharged from the hospital six weeks ago. That is over a TWO POUND GAIN already!!! After everything I’ve been through I was so happy I almost cried.

I’m glad that I got that good news because at least I know that no matter how many problems we’re having, Brigham is getting plenty of mama’s milk! And no, I’m still not going to quit! I have to believe that breastfeeding will again be enjoyable soon!

Filed Under: Breastfeeding, Brigham, Post-Partum 8 Comments

And to you, Mr. Staph Infection, I said good day!

June 11, 2010 By Molly

Sorry to leave you guys hangin’. It sure has been a crazy week! First, I would like to thank you for all the supportive comments. If there is one thing that is a necessity for new breastfeeding mothers it would have to be SUPPORT from those around her. I don’t think it will work without it!

I’m happy to report that I survived the staph infection in my breast. And contrary to my belief that my right boob was indeed going to turn black and fall off . . . it remains intact. Kinda gross looking, but still there nonetheless.

You see, it’s inevitable that Brigham would decide to go through a growth spurt during this terrible fiasco and want to cluster-feed all the live long day while mama put on her big girl panties and grimaced through each nursing. There was some serious teeth clenching going on this past week. I’m sure my dentist will notice that my molars are missing their enamel at my appointment on Wednesday.

But I got through what I hope was the worst of it and am still a breastfeeding mama! Unfortunately, “Bessie” as I like to call her has suffered a bit in the milk department. I assume that my supply dropped on that side due to the trauma of two abscesses. Before I was cut open I would massage the entire breast while nursing and I’ll be honest there wasn’t a whole lot of extra touching going on during this. I might have even skipped over Bessie just because I couldn’t stand the thought of latching Brigham on that side. I was in some serious pain and just did what I could to get him fed so I could breathe again.

Yesterday was the first day I didn’t have to take any pain meds to function. I feel a lot better. Not 100% but better. The surgeon said the holes are healing well and as long as I keep taking my antibiotics I should be okay. Believe me, at the first sign of ANY size lump I will be calling him {note to self: put surgeon on speed-dial}.

On another note, I feel like our house needs to be torched. It was a difficult blow when Naaman contracted MRSA nearly two years ago when Landon was 6-weeks-old. He spent a week in the hospital and had emergency surgery to drain a huge abscess that had formed. It was heartbreaking to see him in such a state. Now it seems that I am also a carrier of MRSA and frankly, it scares the bejeezus out of me!

Since Naaman worked in a level 1 trauma unit I assume that what he had and what I now have is the hospital strain of MRSA. It can be super dangerous and I feel like our house is just one big scary infection waiting to happen . . . to any of us including my precious boys!

I truly wish that we could afford to have a cleaning service come in and disinfect this place from top to bottom. We take extra measures when Naaman comes home from the hospital. He immediately takes off his scrubs and throws them down the stairs. They are washed on the sanitary setting of our washer. His work shoes don’t even enter this house. He is constantly washing his hands with Hibiclens. He has done this since September of 2008. But even after he came home from the hospital he still had three secondary infections of MRSA, one of which created another abscess that had to be drained. His last infection was in May 2009. At that point he saw the infectious disease specialist who basically didn’t promise us that this would ever really go away. I guess, once a carrier, always a carrier. Stupid super bugs. And p.s. this is why Naaman did not freak out over the H1N1 craze. Sure, we were both vaccinated. But the infectious disease doctor told us that MRSA is 10x more dangerous than H1N1.

Another culprit for my MRSA infection could be from when I gave birth to Brigham. The abscesses formed pretty quickly after I left the hospital. Of course, I could speculate all day regarding where my infection was contracted. But the truth is I will never know. All I know is this house needs to be put on lock-down as far as germs go.

So my new assignment is keeping our house clean and disinfected at all times. With a newborn and a messy, destructive almost two-year-old. Are you laughing yet?

Filed Under: Adventures in Parenting, Breastfeeding, Brigham, Post-Partum 5 Comments

My Friday Night in the Emergency Room

June 6, 2010 By Molly

I spent Friday night in the ER getting my right breast cut into. But let me go back a bit to fill you in. I developed a small lump at the top of my right breast over two weeks ago. I assumed it was a clogged duct and massaged it and applied heat/ice packs to try to help it go away. It did not go away. It just kept getting bigger. It was also red on the outside and very painful. A few days after that lump formed another smaller lump formed near my armpit. This one wasn’t as large but it was just as painful. So much so that it hurt to move my right arm.

So a week ago I called the OB and told her my symptoms. She said it sounded like mastitis and prescribed antibiotics. She told me to massage the lumps and apply heat while nursing. I did everything I was supposed to do and assumed the antibiotics would soon kick in. But on Friday morning both of the lumps were larger and more painful.

I called the OB on Friday morning and they told me to come in because it sounded like the lump was an abscess. It looked like a tumor protruding from my breast.

I went to the OB on Friday afternoon. She took one look at the lumps and said that I needed to have them drained immediately. She tried to get me in with a breast surgeon but no one could do it on a Friday afternoon. So she told me I had to go to the ER. I begged her to just make me an appointment for Monday. You know, since I have a one-month-old to nurse at home! She said NO WAY, I had to go now. If I waited any longer I could get really sick.

So off Naaman and I went to the ER. We got there around 5:30 p.m. I was assessed by like ten different people. The ER doc told me I would most likely be admitted and given IV antibiotics. I was freaking out. I only had like 5 ounces of pumped milk at home. But when it became apparent this was serious and that I would be there for awhile my mom went and bought formula. This makes me so sad because nursing was going so well for us. But we really had no choice. The kid’s gotta eat, ya know?

Around midnight they finally started draining the abscesses. HOLY SHIZNIT! I think I would rather go through labor & delivery again than have someone cut two gaping holes in my breast. It was awful. I wanted to throw up from the pain.

They are going to culture the puss that came out of both abscesses and if it is MRSA I might have to be readmitted and given very strong antibiotics through IV. Breastfeeding will have to stop. I’ll have to pump and dump until I’m better. So I’m hoping it’s not MRSA. But given that Naaman was hospitalized with MRSA six weeks after Landon was born it would not surprise me.

I was very surprised to learn that these abscesses were not caused by clogged ducts. In fact, they said I never even had mastitis. They said that I have very cystic breast tissue and I probably had two little cysts that never bothered me before but bacteria got in through my cracked nipple and infected them.

I am in a hell of a lot of pain. The wounds are open. They have to heal from the inside so I have two huge gaping holes in my breast. Thank GOD Naaman is a nurse. He has been packing the wounds and cleaning them. Every time he does I almost faint from the pain. I’ve completely lost my appetite and the pain meds put me to sleep. I’ve got a newborn and a toddler and I can’t really take care of either of them at this point.

I’m still nursing but it’s painful. If you could please please pray that the infection is not MRSA I would greatly appreciate it. I’m not ready to call it quits with breastfeeding. It’s just so unfair. I was finally getting a second chance with it and now it may not work out after all

Filed Under: Breastfeeding, Post-Partum 18 Comments

The Recovery Process- 3 Weeks Post Partum

May 22, 2010 By Molly

I did a post partum blog post after Landon was born so I figured I’d go ahead and do one this time too. I guess the general question is how am I doing?

Let’s start with the physical side of things. Luckily my body seems to have rebounded very quickly after birth. The hospital stay was when I felt the most pain. The day after birth my muscles started to hurt and by day two I could barely move without some kind of pain somewhere. It was as if I had run a marathon! And it’s no wonder my muscles hurt. Now that I think back to when I was pushing I remember the doctor calling me “gumby.” She told me that I was one of the most limber patients she had ever had! Let’s just say that the 15 years of dance lessons paid off in an unexpected way. So thanks Mom and Dad!

On day two I started to develop a terrible migraine headache above my left eye. Even though I was taking motrin and an occasional vicodin it didn’t go away. I hoped it wasn’t an epidural headache. But Naaman informed me that I would not be able to move let alone talk if that were the case. I just had to grin and bear it.

Night number two in the hospital was the worst of it. Brigham was hungry but he refused to latch. I tried both breasts and after just a few minutes I broke down in tears. I led myself to believe that breastfeeding was not going to work out for a second time. I told Naaman he might as well take Brigham to the nursery and tell them to feed him formula. I just knew in my heart that I would fail yet again. I bawled for a good 20 minutes and then fell asleep. Naaman took care of Brigham throughout the night. I think my emotional break down was due to a combination of three things:

#1. I didn’t eat enough that day and I was starving at midnight with no options for food.
#2. I waited too long to take my medicine. After Landon was born I felt too drugged up and so I tried to be strong this time and not take anything. Yeah, big mistake!
#3. I was exhausted because having Brigham at 2:22 a.m. meant that we lost an entire night of sleep.

The next morning the sun shone into the room and I felt much better. I ate a huge breakfast and took my pain medicine, vowing to take it on schedule from that time on. I was ready to try feeding Brigham again even though I was feeling very negative about it. Just about that time the door opened and a new lactation consultant walked into the room. But I’m convinced that she was some sort of angel. I told her my sob story of how things didn’t work out with Landon and I was just desperate to breastfeed Brigham. She listened intently to every word I said. Nodding her head while acknowledging those painful memories. I told her that the lactation consultant that had come in the day before told me the same thing I had heard with Landon. I had inverted nipples and would need to use breast shields. I told her that I hated breast shields. It was very painful to use them with Landon and it was the same with Brigham. I didn’t want to use them. She looked at my breasts and told me that my nipples were fine and to throw those nipple shields in the trash!

She picked Brigham up and placed him in a very comfortable cross-cradle position. She took my hand and placed it perfectly on my breast and the next thing I knew Brigham had latched on. It was a feeling I had never felt before. I just looked down at him and I knew he was getting my milk. I could see his jaw moving and I could hear him swallowing. Even though I tried like hell with Landon I never felt that feeling. The certainty that my son was actually breastfeeding correctly. In all those weeks of trying with Landon I suddenly realized that whatever we were doing was never right. It just didn’t work. It wasn’t Landon’s fault. It wasn’t my fault. I instantly realized that it just wasn’t meant to be. And I am okay with that. I’ve been on both sides of the fence now. I formula fed my first son and that first year was amazing. Now I am breastfeeding my second son and it’s not better it’s just different. At least, that’s how I feel. I think everything happens for a reason and it’s just meant to be this time. Although I am forever grateful to that lactation consultant who helped me realize that just because something doesn’t work the first time doesn’t mean that you won’t get a second chance.

Brigham will be three weeks old tomorrow and he is still latching on correctly every time. He nurses just about every three hours. Sometimes more, sometimes less. I am taking his cues and feeding him on demand. I feel more comfortable letting him set his own schedule. He had surpassed his birth weight before he was two weeks old.

I am still kind of freaked out when I walk in the kitchen and there are no bottles to wash and no Similac containers on the counter. It’s just so simple to pick him up out of his bassinet at night and put him to my breast. There’s no extra work involved. I don’t even have to get out of bed, which is wonderful!

As for my lady parts, things are okay in that department as well. As I said in my birth story, I pushed for 45 minutes and tore naturally in the same place as before. It was a second-degree tear just like the first time and it’s healing well. I was only sore in the hospital and was fine by the time we came home. Bleeding has almost completely stopped.

The most painful thing about giving birth the second time around has been the cramping. Everyone warned me about this before I had Brigham. They said that the cramping gets worse with each child you have. And let me tell you . . . they were right! The cramps were HORRID the first week. Holy LORD, they were bad. All I had to do was think about breastfeeding and the cramps started up again. It was almost like I was having contractions again! Sometimes they made me feel ill. It was like the worst period-cramps ever. So if you’re a second-time mama-to-be, get ready I’m just sayin’.

I gained a total of 35 lbs with Brigham. By one-week post partum I was already 10 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight, which was very surprising to me. Maybe breastfeeding really does speed that weight-loss along. I’m just glad to have my body back and be able to hold Landon close again. I loved my pregnant belly but I missed having Landon sit on my lap!

Emotionally things are going very well. Even with the lack of sleep I have not had any major emotional break downs. Hooray! I’ve been very stable and haven’t seen the effect of post partum hormones with the exception of happy tears. This is exactly what I prayed for and I feel blessed to be feeling so positive. It makes me so happy that I was proactive about my bout with depression. I nipped it in the bud before Brigham arrived and now I know without a doubt that medication during pregnancy was the right choice for me!

So that’s about it. Recovery is moving right along and I’m feeling great!