In the Trenches of Sickness

I’m supposed to be posting every day for the 31 Days challenge. I’m supposed to post a letter that I have written to my future daughter every day this month. Well, looks like I failed. I’m actually really upset about not following through with this. But I have a good excuse, I promise. Both my little guys have been really sick.

First Landon was diagnosed with strep.

landon

And then Brigham was in the emergency room at 3 a.m. for croup (p.s. croup is seriously awful)

brigs

It has not been a very fun week. Not a whole lot of sleep for anyone. I had to miss work and I don’t even have any PTO left. Ahhh, the life of a working mom.

I’m happy to report that both boys are on the mend but my blog series suffered. I know I shouldn’t be worried about it because my kids come before this blog – always. But I was really excited to write a new letter each day. I wish I were really organized and had written them all in advance. I do have all the topics picked out. But now I’m so behind that I will be posting into November. I guess I’ll try to resume where I left off and keep trying. That’s all I can do, right.

Please send us all get well and stay well vibes. We certainly need them!

Filed Under: Double Trouble, Sickies3 Comments

NyQuil, take me away

You know how you go on vacation and everything is perfect and you’re basking in the glow of your new found freedom. Then you get back and reality quickly slaps you in the face?

Yeah, that.

I haven’t blogged since last week. I’m surprised we’re even unpacked and that the laundry is done considering how overwhelmed I feel. When you miss three days of work it just piles up on you and you have to play catch up.

To top it all off I am now sick with a bad head cold. Riding in airplanes always does that. There is no way to escape the germs so I always get sick after a trip.

I feel exhausted, run down, like I don’t know where to start.

I need to call the dentist and the eye doctor. I ran out of one of my meds but my psychiatrist won’t refill it because apparently you have to keep seeing him even when you feel fine. So I need to make an appointment for that too.

How am I supposed to make all these appointments when I work full-time? Ain’t nobody got time for all this shit.

You know those mornings when you first open your eyes and you’re just like nope, I can’t do it today. Sorry universe.

I’ve been having a few of those lately.

But the thing is – when you’re a mom and a wife and an employee and a friend and a freelance writer and a blogger – you can’t just take more NyQuil and go back to sleep.

That little bottle of heaven is calling my name right now.

Filed Under: Mommy Moments, Sickies, Stuff I Don't Love3 Comments

Heartsick

Brigham was up early yesterday morning. Like 5:30 a.m. early. So I brought him to bed with me and put on a show for him to watch while I slept some more tried to wake up. Next thing I know he was puking on the floor and crying out for me because little ones get confused when their tummy brings it all back up. I quickly took him into the bathroom as he continued to vomit. I knew then it would be a rough day. My mother-in-law was there to take care of them. But I’m his mama. It should be me holding him tight when he’s sick, shouldn’t it?

I text my boss and told her I would be late. When really I wished I could say – I won’t be in . . . ever.

It’s days like yesterday that make me resentful. It’s days like yesterday that make me want to throw in the towel and never leave my babies ever. I didn’t want to leave. But I eventually had to make myself.

On the ride to work I was mad. Mad that my mind had to be elsewhere when really it was nowhere else but with Brigham. I started thinking of all the reasons I can’t be a stay at home mom. It is our fault. It is because of some of our stupid decisions that I don’t have the freedom to hold him when he’s sick. I sit there and I wish, I wish, I wish for a different path because this one involves working hard every day of my life. Working away memories that will never be made.

I try not to think this way. I try to remain grateful for where I am in this life. There is a reason for it. But when I think that we are the reason, well, it cuts me open because we could have made different choices. Could’a, should’a, would’a. Those kind of thoughts suck.

Before I left yesterday Brigham held onto me and said, “Stay with me, mama.”

I choked down the lump in my throat and told him I couldn’t. I left him there on the sofa and walked away heartsick and wishing.

photo (12)

Filed Under: Brigham, Mommy Moments, Sickies, Stuff I Don't Love4 Comments