Stuff I Don’t Love | A Day in Mollywood

A Broken Heart Fixed

May 20, 2013 By Molly

I’ve been trying to write this post for what feels like forever. It has been over a month now that we knew my mom needed open heart surgery but every time I came here to write about it I broke down at my computer. I think this surgery is the reason why I haven’t written here very much lately. I feel stuck.

Just typing it out – my mom needs heart surgery – is so scary to me.

When we first found out I was not okay. I could not stop crying when I thought about the day she would go into surgery. I cried myself to sleep the night we found out. I think it was more shock than anything. My mom is only 67-years-old. How can she need something like this already?

For the longest time I have been in denial that my parents are getting older. I think it’s because they are always busy and stay active and have never really had any big medical issues. My mom hasn’t really had any symptoms of aortic stenosis. But apparently, her artery has been closing in for some time. We just didn’t know it.

I believe that God gave my mom a warning sign. She was in the garden last summer and temporarily went blind in one eye. She went to the emergency room and tests were ordered. It is believed that she may have had a mini stroke caused by a blood clot. This is something that happens with aortic stenosis. But don’t you think it was a sign? I think everything happens for a reason. And although it’s scary I’m glad she found out and can actually do something about it!

If she doesn’t get it done her risk of sudden cardiac death is high. Well, we just can’t have that risk floating around! Nope, my mom is too precious to this family. My mom has A LOT to live for. She has five beautiful, young grandchildren, all of whom love her dearly. She also has four daughters, all of whom want her around for a long, long time.

She is the matriarch of our family. Her role is so important in bringing us all together for family reunions and gatherings. I will never forget the way she cooks a turkey or ham or her famous noodles for holidays.

family-2

Or the way we all sit around the kitchen table, talking and laughing and sharing memories.

family

I have to believe that more of these special times will happen. I have to believe it because my mom needs us all to believe it.

I can’t tell you how anxious I am. I know my mom and my whole family are waiting. Waiting for surgery day. I just want the surgery to be done so she can recover and we can all move on with our lives.

If you’re a praying person – please think of my mom tomorrow morning as she goes into surgery. Please pray for the doctor. We have the best heart surgeon in the city, but pray for his wisdom and for steady hands.

Pray that she makes it through the surgery with no issues or complications. Pray that her recovery would be smooth and that there would be very little pain.

I love my mom. I know that chances are very good that everything will be fine and the surgery will be successful but that doesn’t make this any less difficult.

She has always been a support to me through everything in my life. She has always lifted me up when I was feeling down. She’s the one who sat on the edge of my bed when I was in my early twenties. She sat there while I cried and told her that no one would ever love me. That I would never find my soulmate. She’s the one who told me that my prince charming was out there waiting for me. And she was right. Mine was a broken heart fixed. And hers will be too.

Thanks, mom, for always being a beacon of light in my darkest of days. I love you.

momandme

Filed Under: Family, Stuff I Don't Love 5 Comments

I’m not ready to be honest

April 18, 2013 By Molly

I found out about the Boston marathon bombing because I just happened to be on Facebook and saw someone post about it. As I’ve written before – I don’t watch the news. Due to my anxiety disorder it’s just not healthy for me. We certainly never watch the news in front of the kids. They are now old enough to notice when something bad is happening and ask questions about it.

But we were going out to dinner the night it happened. The restaurant had televisions everywhere so no matter where we sat – there it was. Played over and over and over again. I was smart enough to look away.

Then Landon asked, “Why does that guy have blood on his mouth?”

Oh.Shit.

While I was panicking my mom calmly told him that someone fell down and hurt themselves. But then another person with blood on them was being interviewed and he asked the same question.

I’m not ready for this.

I’m not ready to tell my sons that this world is sometimes a bad place. That innocent people die because hatred fills the hearts of many. That blood was running because a bomb went off on unsuspecting people who were there to celebrate their loved ones.

I’m not ready. You can’t make me tell my sons that this world is not always safe.

I don’t know when I’ll be ready to have that conversation. Brigham turns three in a couple weeks and Landon turns five in August. The day will come for honesty. But today is not that day.

Right now all I want them to think about is springtime and practicing soccer and snacks and reading their favorite books. I want them to sleep soundly knowing that they are protected.

I am heartbroken over this tragedy.

But I’m not ready to be honest and share the truth of this world. The only truth I want them to know is that they are loved. By us. And by a God that holds all of His children in His hands.

Linking up with Mandy’s blog

Filed Under: Mommy Moments, Stuff I Don't Love 9 Comments

NyQuil, take me away

March 28, 2013 By Molly

You know how you go on vacation and everything is perfect and you’re basking in the glow of your new found freedom. Then you get back and reality quickly slaps you in the face?

Yeah, that.

I haven’t blogged since last week. I’m surprised we’re even unpacked and that the laundry is done considering how overwhelmed I feel. When you miss three days of work it just piles up on you and you have to play catch up.

To top it all off I am now sick with a bad head cold. Riding in airplanes always does that. There is no way to escape the germs so I always get sick after a trip.

I feel exhausted, run down, like I don’t know where to start.

I need to call the dentist and the eye doctor. I ran out of one of my meds but my psychiatrist won’t refill it because apparently you have to keep seeing him even when you feel fine. So I need to make an appointment for that too.

How am I supposed to make all these appointments when I work full-time? Ain’t nobody got time for all this shit.

You know those mornings when you first open your eyes and you’re just like nope, I can’t do it today. Sorry universe.

I’ve been having a few of those lately.

But the thing is – when you’re a mom and a wife and an employee and a friend and a freelance writer and a blogger – you can’t just take more NyQuil and go back to sleep.

That little bottle of heaven is calling my name right now.

Filed Under: Mommy Moments, Sickies, Stuff I Don't Love 3 Comments

Heartsick

February 8, 2013 By Molly

Brigham was up early yesterday morning. Like 5:30 a.m. early. So I brought him to bed with me and put on a show for him to watch while I ~~slept some more~~ tried to wake up. Next thing I know he was puking on the floor and crying out for me because little ones get confused when their tummy brings it all back up. I quickly took him into the bathroom as he continued to vomit. I knew then it would be a rough day. My mother-in-law was there to take care of them. But I’m his mama. It should be me holding him tight when he’s sick, shouldn’t it?

I text my boss and told her I would be late. When really I wished I could say – I won’t be in . . . ever.

It’s days like yesterday that make me resentful. It’s days like yesterday that make me want to throw in the towel and never leave my babies ever. I didn’t want to leave. But I eventually had to make myself.

On the ride to work I was mad. Mad that my mind had to be elsewhere when really it was nowhere else but with Brigham. I started thinking of all the reasons I can’t be a stay at home mom. It is our fault. It is because of some of our stupid decisions that I don’t have the freedom to hold him when he’s sick. I sit there and I wish, I wish, I wish for a different path because this one involves working hard every day of my life. Working away memories that will never be made.

I try not to think this way. I try to remain grateful for where I am in this life. There is a reason for it. But when I think that we are the reason, well, it cuts me open because we could have made different choices. Could’a, should’a, would’a. Those kind of thoughts suck.

Before I left yesterday Brigham held onto me and said, “Stay with me, mama.”

I choked down the lump in my throat and told him I couldn’t. I left him there on the sofa and walked away heartsick and wishing.

photo (12)

Filed Under: Brigham, Mommy Moments, Sickies, Stuff I Don't Love 4 Comments

Silence

June 4, 2012 By Molly

It feels totally weird to have no posts on my blog for more than a week. But I have a good excuse!

On Memorial Day my throat started to hurt when I swallowed. I knew it was a bad sign. On Tuesday morning it was worse and I was feeling feverish so I headed to the minute clinic where they diagnosed me with strep throat AND a sinus infection AND an ear infection! Yikes.

So I got some antibiotics and headed home to rest for the day. I called my boss and told her I would probably be in the next day. I indulged in popsicles and the entire second season of Downton Abbey (pretty much obsessed with this show).

But unfortunately, by the next day I was much worse. Puking and fever and feeling like I was going to die. I fell asleep about every two hours. It’s like my body would do nothing but sleep, which I’m sure it needed. I quarantined myself to the bedroom and did not see the boys. I didn’t want them to catch it!

Long story short I was miserably sick from Tuesday to Friday. On Friday I had the worst migraine headache I’ve ever had. In fact, it lasted for over 24 hours. I was writhing in pain praying for God to let it ease up.

Finally on Saturday I was able to get out of bed. I finally saw my boys after four days! And although I had no appetite I was finally able to stomach some crackers after four days of no food.

Thank God for my husband who held it all together while I was bedridden.

So that explains my absence. Hopefully I won’t experience any setbacks and I’ll have a full recovery soon!

Thanks for hanging in there with me while I get back to the grind.

Filed Under: Sickies, Stuff I Don't Love 8 Comments

Open Wide

May 18, 2012 By Molly

this is my "if you touch my mouth again I'll kill you" face

I have been to the dentist five times since late March. Stupidly, I hadn’t been for two years even though I had been having pain in one of my molars. By the time I finally went it was discovered that my tooth was cracked and I needed a crown. So I went back time and again and got stuck by needles multiple times on multiple days to fix other cavities and do the crown procedure. Once I had the crown put in (which didn’t fit the first damn time, lucky me) I was told there was a slight chance I might still need a root canal.

I prayed I wouldn’t have to but . . . sure enough the pain over the next two weeks was excruciating. The left side of my mouth was radiating waves of pain and I had to take aleve every six hours or I seriously regretted it. I couldn’t sleep and if I did I would wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat feeling like my mouth was falling off my head.

So I went on Tuesday for my root canal. Big surprise? They could not get me numb. So instead of being calm, cool and collected I started to panic about the pain that would be involved in order to get to the root. She said once she got to the root she could finally get me numb because she would be right at the source. But you guys? Getting there was f#@*ing awful. The only saving grace was giving me nitrous oxide so I felt drunk. But that wasn’t until after they got to the root. Talk about pain. I might have cursed in the dentist’s face.

Even with all that trouble, I am SO GLAD I had this done. I feel 1000x better now. The tooth was terribly infected and I guess had been for awhile. I can’t believe how much better I feel. I didn’t realize how much pain I was in until the pain wasn’t there anymore!

I have to go back one.more.time to complete the filling on the crown. Appointment #6, people. All because I waited too long.

So this is a warning to you all. You are supposed to go to the dentist every six months for a check-up and cleaning. My recommendation to you is to get your ass in that chair STAT if you haven’t been. No really. Call right now. I’ll wait.

I made so many excuses. I can’t get a babysitter. I work full-time. The pain is not *that* bad.

I totally regret not going.

If you listen carefully you can hear my mom saying, “I told you so.” It was so much easier when she used to schedule my dental appointments for me.

I hope you learn your lesson from my mistake.

Okay, why are you still here? Go call your dentist.

Filed Under: Silly Me, Stuff I Don't Love 7 Comments

Sometimes the internet can be ugly

February 6, 2012 By Molly

Last week, when I posted my first vlog, I received this anonymous comment:

When I first saw it, I was shocked. I quickly logged into my account and sent it to the trash. I’d like to say that I brushed it off and it didn’t affect me. But I promptly left work, drove to chick-fil-a and inhaled their waffle fries to make me feel better. So I *may* have been a little upset even though I didn’t know who this person was. That’s the world wide web for you. Sometimes the internet itself can be ugly.

I’ve had some time to think about the word ugly. It prompted me to search my blog for photos of me. To find out what exactly it was about me that might be ugly. What did they see that I don’t. But I noticed, there are very few photos of me. I constantly read other blogs with women proudly showing off their beautiful faces.

Some are wearing glasses. Some are sporting a messy bun. Some are tall and some are short. Some are smiling and some are staring off into space. Some are a reflection in the mirror. Some are round with a growing life inside of them. And some are round because that’s who they are and they aren’t ashamed of showing it off. I love these women. The ones dripping in bravery. The ones embracing their differences and loving themselves.

It took the word ugly being thrown my way for me to realize that I’m not exactly owning what I look like or who I am.

Well, this is who I am.

I’m Molly
I’m 5′ 4″
I wear glasses most the time
I have light blonde, naturally wavy hair that is often frizzy
I have a mushy tummy because I ate too many donuts while housing two beautiful miracles in my womb
My nose has a bump on it, a trademark of my German heritage
My eyebrows are often overgrown
My fingernails are jagged from my bad nail-biting habit
I have moles on my skin because the sun is not my friend
I like fast food a little too much
My eyes are small and blue like the Greek sea and I am proud to share this exact color with my son Landon
I have wrinkles on my forehead from thinking too much
I am emotional and reactionary and I over-analyze everything.

I don’t think of the word ugly as an adjective anymore. I think ugly is a verb. Something people do. Being mean to someone is an ugly thing to do. Calling people names is being ugly. And doing it on the internet, never owning up to who you are? Well, that’s uglier than all the rest.

I’m Molly. I am not a ten.

But I know I’m not a zero either.

I am somebody. Somebody who is beautiful, inside and out. It’s time I start believing it again and showing off the beauty for everyone to see.

Filed Under: Blogging, Silly Me, Stuff I Don't Love 52 Comments

it’s okay

January 10, 2012 By Molly

My purse is hung over my shoulder. The sound of pills click clack, click clack as I walk to wherever I’m going. It’s a common sound. I carry certain pills with me always.

pass the tylenol

Excedrin Migraine for the awful migraines I get as a side-effect of my anti-whatevers. Tylenol for the usual aches and pains I feel deep down in my bones every day.

Then there’s the xanax. The xanax I was prescribed by my doctor two years ago. The xanax I carry with me always. The xanax I choose not to take.

I don’t know why I do this. On top of everything else I was diagnosed with a panic disorder long ago. In certain situations I panic and have the fight or flight response. It doesn’t happen as often as it used to but when it does it takes it all out of me. After the panic attack is over I have nothing left.

My psychiatrist looked me in the eyes and told me, “It’s okay to take these, Molly. It’s okay to use them to keep yourself calm when you know you are in danger of having a panic attack.”

He also told me to use them for anticipatory anxiety. Meaning, if I know I will be in a situation that in the past has caused anxiety, it’s okay to take it a few hours before that event will take place.

A good example is when I fly. I hate flying. I know I hate flying. It makes all the difference when I take it two hours before a flight.

It makes so much sense. But still I hesitate.

I don’t know why I listen to it rattle, rattle, rattle in my purse, knowing that it’s there at the ready. It’s there when I need it most.

Somehow it feels like a crutch. I’m 33-years-old. Shouldn’t I be able to handle these things by now? Shouldn’t the medications that I already take make this go away?

But I ignore it. I ignore it until it’s too late.

All that stops. Here and now. Today.

If I’m feeling anxious or know that I have an anxiety-provoking event coming up, I am going to dig around in the bottomless pit of my purse, retrieve that bottle, pop it open and swallow that pill.

I will do so without worry. I will do so without shame.

It’s okay not to be okay.

.
.
.
.
.

linking up with just write.

Filed Under: Damaged Goods, Depression, just write, Stuff I Don't Love 18 Comments

teeth & intuition

October 27, 2011 By Molly

Last week I had a nagging feeling that wouldn’t go away. It had been a year since Landon’s last dentist appointment. I had been putting it off because his first visit to the dentist was, let’s just say, unsuccessful.

We didn’t go back and I waited too long to find a new dentist for him. Until finally, last Friday, I reluctantly looked up our dental insurance and started searching for a reputable pediatric dentist. One with a fun atmosphere filled with toys and pops of color. And a staff that knew how to work with kids’ teeth.

I clicked on a random link and noticed they had an after-hours emergency line. I’ll probably never need that, I thought, but you never know. And I put it out of my mind. Since it was Friday afternoon I made a note to call the next week.

Fast forward to Monday afternoon when I received a call from Naaman. When I saw his name come across my phone I knew something had happened. It was mommy intuition.

Naaman told me that Landon lost his grip and tumbled off the jungle gym at the park. He fell smack on his face and lost a bottom tooth. I was shocked. But of course I was asking if the rest of him was okay before caring about the tooth. He assured me Landon was fine and was begging to stay at the park to play even after the accident! So I kept my Girl’s Night Out plans with friends because I guess it just didn’t register to me that it was that bad.

When I got home he was already asleep. Of course I went in to see what he looked like with one less tooth. But when I pulled his lower lip down I noticed the two teeth to the side of the missing one had a huge gap between it. My heart sunk. I touched the teeth and they wiggled back and forth. He grimaced in pain when they moved. Naaman was right next to me and was very upset. I asked him if Landon had eaten anything and he said not much. I knew that the other teeth would probably have to come out.

I surprised myself when I did not freak out. Ordinarily this type of situation would have sent me into a ball of tears with expletives flying out of my mouth left and right. But this time? This time I knew what to do. I went downstairs and looked up the same pediatric dentist that I had found just three days earlier. And there it was. The after-hours emergency phone number. You just never know.

Or do you?

I called and the dentist actually answered at 11:00 p.m.! I was already impressed. She was so kind and told us to come to the office first thing in the morning. We were there by 8:30 and they squeezed us in. Landon was terrified even though the entire office was decorated in dinosaurs. He screamed, cried, flailed about and refused to open his mouth for the x-rays, which meant his mouth had to be pried open with tools. Sure enough, one of the loose teeth would have to come out.

We toyed with the option of an oral surgeon and general anesthesia. Only because he was so upset that we didn’t think they could get through the procedure if he was trying to escape the whole time. But we decided against that approach. Naaman held our sweet boy as they gave him the shot and that part was the worst of it. I’ve never heard him cry like that in his three little years. It was heartbreaking.

Before we knew it, it was over and he was missing two teeth. We decided to keep the third loose tooth in to try to save it. But if it hurts him too much or turns a different color it will have to come out too.

Two missing teeth. Possibly three. And his permenant teeth won’t come in for years. I didn’t cry until he was in bed for the night. Then the tears came.

But Naaman has cried more about this than I have. He feels like it’s his fault. The guilt is really hurting him. And I just want to say (because I know he reads my blog) that you are the best daddy our boys could ever have, honey. It was not your fault. Our child is a daredevil and thinks he is invincible. But you’re a daddy that will always try to catch your sons’ falls. That is ALL that matters.

I am trying to keep perspective. I’m sure there are a lot of people out there who are like, it’s just teeth. What’s the big deal? Well, I was kind of used to that perfect white smile. He would flash that grin at me and I would just melt into a big love puddle. I am so worried that kids will make fun of him as he starts kindergarten or first grade with missing teeth. I am worried that his language might be disrupted. But I understand that it could have been much worse. Broken jaw or cheek, concussion, eye wound. Ugh, I don’t even want to think about it.

Landon is doing great. He has been so brave and was telling everyone about his “big accident” at school. All the girls were concerned for him.

So the dental drama is over (hopefully). But I keep going back to one thing. That nagging feeling I had three days before the accident. I know not everyone believes that everything happens for a reason. But I do. I always have. It’s like I knew before it even happened that I would need that dentist. That I would choose to click on that link that led me to a website where they just happened to have an emergency dental line.

Three days before. It was more than a coincidence. Landon was supposed to lose those teeth. I don’t necessarily understand why.

But I know his smile is uniquely his. And I still melt into a big love puddle when he flashes it at me.

Filed Under: Adventures in Parenting, Landon, Naaman, Stuff I Don't Love 16 Comments

it was only a moment

July 7, 2011 By Molly

It was only a moment. One tiny moment where I lost the ability to control my temper. But in that one moment I did something that I feel is unforgivable as a parent . . .

I scared my son.

I have been a mother for nearly three years. It has had its ups and downs and we have definitely had our challenges. But I’ve always managed to squash my frustrations and approach tough toddler situations with a level-headed and caring approach.

Believe me, I surprised even myself with how good I have handled some situations. I have prided myself on just how good I had become at this mom thing. I could count on one hand the number of times I have screamed at my children. I know all the tricks.

Get down on his level. Look him in the eyes. Use words he can understand. Be stern but never scream.

I was a good mom.

. . . was . . .

It was only a moment but it’s a moment I can’t ever take back. I don’t know how it got out of control so quickly. And I realize I am probably dramatizing it in my head a bit. But to me, it was the most awful moment I’ve had as a mom yet.

It had been a rough day for all of us. The boys were exhausted from the festivities of a long holiday weekend. Landon wouldn’t walk to the car and we were already running late. So I picked him up to carry him but I tripped over something and fell forward on the concrete. I landed on him. He started crying immediately and I quickly tried to figure out what was hurt. He calmed down quickly so off we went to daycare drop-off.

That night I stopped to get the boys happy meals to make up for such a rushed morning. They love the apple dippers, I thought. Landon will love the batman toy that came with it.

My boys and I sat around the table eating apple slices and chicken nuggets. I laughed that one of the meals came with a girl toy. A barbie head with hair you could style. I walked around the table and pretended to have the barbie kiss the boys. They both erupted in wild fits of laughter as I got closer and closer and closer with the doll, teasing them with kisses. Things were looking up.

I took both boys upstairs for their bath. The boys always bathe together. It is usually fun. I ran the bathwater and placed Brigham in right away. I called for Landon in the playroom. He came to the bathroom door and screamed, “I’m not taking a bath!” His face red with anger. My usual problem-solver is to use reverse psychology.

“That’s fine, Landon. You can be stinky if you want.”

Ordinarily he would come running back and do what I asked of him. But tonight it didn’t work. Instead he swiftly threw a toy at me while I bathed Brigham.

Now I was mad. Hadn’t I done a good job tonight? Hadn’t I made him smile and laugh? And this is the thanks I get?

I quickly pulled him into the bathroom, shut the door and locked it. I told him that he didn’t have to take a bath but he could not play in the playroom. He started freaking out. FUH-REAKING. And suddenly he got all smart and learned how to unlock the door. Usually I would have followed him but Brigham was in the bathtub so I couldn’t leave him unattended.

I told Landon he needed to come back into the bathroom with me. But he didn’t listen. Instead he started kicking the door to the playroom with both feet. You guys know we just moved to a new house, right? Scuff marks on my pretty new doors? I don’t think so. You know, because doors are more important than a happy child.

I briefly pulled Brigham out of the tub and left him standing there while I ran to get Landon. I brought Landon back into the bathroom and shoved the step stool up against the door so he couldn’t get out.

And this is where I should have stopped. This is where the logical part of my brain should have admitted defeat, stopped bath time altogether and walked away until Landon calmed down and Brigham stopped crying.

But that’s not what happened.

Instead I pulled Landon’s clothes off and put him into the tub as he kicked me repeatedly in the stomach. He stood there screaming at the top of his lungs. His face became bright red as he held his breath in between screams. He slid in the tub as I tried to soap him up. Brigham just stood there crying for me to take him out. He had no idea what was going on. After all, he just wanted to play in the water with his boats.

I turned around to gain composure while Landon continued his fit of rage. That composure I was looking for? It didn’t come.

I turned back around and began screaming at Landon at the top of my lungs. I told him to please just shut up. I begged him. When I screamed Brigham started screaming even louder and harder even though I wasn’t addressing him. I’m pretty sure he was scared shitless.

I swiftly took Landon and Brigham out of the bathtub. I put Landon in his bedroom with a towel and slammed the door. I had to be in a different room for a minute. And I needed to tend to Brigham who was still crying.

I grabbed Brigham and wrapped him in a towel. And then I sank onto the floor of his nursery and began to sob uncontrollably. What had I done? What had I done?

A moment. One moment. That’s all it took for me to possibly screw up my sons’ lives forever.

Within seconds I realized what I had done. I got up onto my feet and frantically ran into Landon’s room. He was sitting naked on the floor with soap still in his hair. I grabbed the towel I had given him off the floor, wrapped it around him and held him until he stopped crying.

Within five minutes things had calmed down and Landon was acting like himself again.

But then there was me. I felt like running. Running far far away so that my sons never have to be subjected to a mom who cannot control herself.

I gave myself a zero tolerance policy long ago when it comes to abuse. It will not happen in our household. I don’t hit. I don’t spank. I don’t slap. I have never touched my children with anything but loving hands. I should have known that I would screw things up with my damned mouth instead.

When it was bedtime I crawled into bed with him so that I could explain what happened and apologize. After all, if I make him apologize when he does something wrong then why shouldn’t I be held to the same standards?

“Landon, mommy is so so sorry for what happened tonight.”

He sat silent as I explained that I lost my temper and was sorry for yelling so loud. I told him that sometimes adults have tantrums too but I hoped he could forgive me for my mistakes. He stared straight into my eyes but this time they weren’t scared eyes. They were worried eyes. My child. The one I disrespected so terribly just an hour before . . . was worried about me. The tears started to flow from my eyes.

And then he did something I will never forget. He reached up and kissed my cheek where the tear fell.

“It’s okay, mommy.” he said. “I forgive you.”

He told me he loved me, put his arms around me and patted my back until I stopped crying. And then I did the same for him as he drifted off to sleep.

I always rock Brigham to sleep and sing to him. But as I rocked him on this night he was restless. He jerked back and forth in an effort to be released and put in his crib. I can only guess that he no longer found refuge in his mother’s arms.

It was only a moment. But I started punishing myself for it as soon as it happened.

I stayed awake for way too long that night. I couldn’t eat. I was too upset. I cried and sobbed after my husband went to bed. All I could picture was him sitting in his room. Afraid and confused. Because of me. Because I lost my temper.

An hour after Landon went to bed the cramping started and then I began to bleed heavily. I already had my period a couple weeks ago. I assume that the mental stress led to physical stress as well. I am so deeply disappointed in my behavior and the utterly despicable example I just set for my sons. I don’t know if I can recover from this mistake. I don’t even think God will forgive me for this.

I climbed back into bed with Landon and watched him sleep for a long time. It was the only thing that made me feel better. I watched his eyes move back and forth from behind his eyelids. I wondered what he was dreaming about.

I hoped it wasn’t about me.

He deserves better dreams than that.