I’m not ready to be honest

I found out about the Boston marathon bombing because I just happened to be on Facebook and saw someone post about it. As I’ve written before – I don’t watch the news. Due to my anxiety disorder it’s just not healthy for me. We certainly never watch the news in front of the kids. They are now old enough to notice when something bad is happening and ask questions about it.

But we were going out to dinner the night it happened. The restaurant had televisions everywhere so no matter where we sat – there it was. Played over and over and over again. I was smart enough to look away.

Then Landon asked, “Why does that guy have blood on his mouth?”

Oh.Shit.

While I was panicking my mom calmly told him that someone fell down and hurt themselves. But then another person with blood on them was being interviewed and he asked the same question.

I’m not ready for this.

I’m not ready to tell my sons that this world is sometimes a bad place. That innocent people die because hatred fills the hearts of many. That blood was running because a bomb went off on unsuspecting people who were there to celebrate their loved ones.

I’m not ready. You can’t make me tell my sons that this world is not always safe.

I don’t know when I’ll be ready to have that conversation. Brigham turns three in a couple weeks and Landon turns five in August. The day will come for honesty. But today is not that day.

Right now all I want them to think about is springtime and practicing soccer and snacks and reading their favorite books. I want them to sleep soundly knowing that they are protected.

I am heartbroken over this tragedy.

But I’m not ready to be honest and share the truth of this world. The only truth I want them to know is that they are loved. By us. And by a God that holds all of His children in His hands.

 

Linking up with Mandy’s blog

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Filed Under: Mommy Moments, Stuff I Don't Love9 Comments

NyQuil, take me away

You know how you go on vacation and everything is perfect and you’re basking in the glow of your new found freedom. Then you get back and reality quickly slaps you in the face?

Yeah, that.

I haven’t blogged since last week. I’m surprised we’re even unpacked and that the laundry is done considering how overwhelmed I feel. When you miss three days of work it just piles up on you and you have to play catch up.

To top it all off I am now sick with a bad head cold. Riding in airplanes always does that. There is no way to escape the germs so I always get sick after a trip.

I feel exhausted, run down, like I don’t know where to start.

I need to call the dentist and the eye doctor. I ran out of one of my meds but my psychiatrist won’t refill it because apparently you have to keep seeing him even when you feel fine. So I need to make an appointment for that too.

How am I supposed to make all these appointments when I work full-time? Ain’t nobody got time for all this shit.

You know those mornings when you first open your eyes and you’re just like nope, I can’t do it today. Sorry universe.

I’ve been having a few of those lately.

But the thing is – when you’re a mom and a wife and an employee and a friend and a freelance writer and a blogger – you can’t just take more NyQuil and go back to sleep.

That little bottle of heaven is calling my name right now.

Filed Under: Mommy Moments, Sickies, Stuff I Don't Love3 Comments

Heartsick

Brigham was up early yesterday morning. Like 5:30 a.m. early. So I brought him to bed with me and put on a show for him to watch while I slept some more tried to wake up. Next thing I know he was puking on the floor and crying out for me because little ones get confused when their tummy brings it all back up. I quickly took him into the bathroom as he continued to vomit. I knew then it would be a rough day. My mother-in-law was there to take care of them. But I’m his mama. It should be me holding him tight when he’s sick, shouldn’t it?

I text my boss and told her I would be late. When really I wished I could say – I won’t be in . . . ever.

It’s days like yesterday that make me resentful. It’s days like yesterday that make me want to throw in the towel and never leave my babies ever. I didn’t want to leave. But I eventually had to make myself.

On the ride to work I was mad. Mad that my mind had to be elsewhere when really it was nowhere else but with Brigham. I started thinking of all the reasons I can’t be a stay at home mom. It is our fault. It is because of some of our stupid decisions that I don’t have the freedom to hold him when he’s sick. I sit there and I wish, I wish, I wish for a different path because this one involves working hard every day of my life. Working away memories that will never be made.

I try not to think this way. I try to remain grateful for where I am in this life. There is a reason for it. But when I think that we are the reason, well, it cuts me open because we could have made different choices. Could’a, should’a, would’a. Those kind of thoughts suck.

Before I left yesterday Brigham held onto me and said, “Stay with me, mama.”

I choked down the lump in my throat and told him I couldn’t. I left him there on the sofa and walked away heartsick and wishing.

photo (12)

Filed Under: Brigham, Mommy Moments, Sickies, Stuff I Don't Love4 Comments